I’ve previously written about how I used to drink alcohol to switch my senses off and gift myself the illusion that I wasn’t massively depressed. It didn’t work too well.

The Liquid Scaffolding - by Ren Riley - Wavy Thoughts

Alcohol and I don’t mix

Of course, I knew I was majorly in the shit, metal health-wise, and alcohol was not helping. As I explained in the post linked above, I wasn’t someone who needed a drink in a morning or needed a drink to function, but the frequency of my drinking made me worried. Nine months ago, I woke up after a night where I had promised myself that I wouldn’t drink, yet I’d ended up doing so. Enough was enough, and now every day presents a choice to remain sober.

Some days pass by with ease, where I am a successful sober babe who would never dream of touching alcohol again, gross.

Some days I walk past the corner shop and think ‘Go on, one wouldn’t hurt.’

Those days I am usually experiencing an extreme mood: either I have had an absolutely amazing day and feel like celebrating, or it has been a dreadful day and I want to obliterate my mind. The latter days are few and far between, but I’m trying with all my strength to not let my guard down.

After all, my ADHD brain just wants the novelty of being drunk, and the autism wants the world to just shut the hell up for a bit. It would be very easy to just say yes to alcohol again, so every day is still a challenge.

These past nine months of sobriety have been so interesting for me. I’ve previously done two years sober, so the benefits listed below aren’t that much of a surprise, but I had forgotten them and it was nice to rediscover these experiences. Here’s some of what I have learned while making the right choice for me every day for nine months.

Not drinking means I am less likely to ruin my entire life

No shit. I am a stubborn person with a deep tendency to think in a black and white way (lol, obvs). Drinking makes me verbal. Too verbal. When I drink, I tend to get hooked on a topic. I believe I am totally correct about the opinion I hold on a topic (historically, this topic has been anything from UK Labour Party politics, to the song ‘Superbass’ by Nicki Minaj). I will then refuse to let the subject change and either bore everyone shitless all night with my opinion or cause a massive row.

Alcohol turns my info dumping tendencies up to eleven. Not drinking means I am far more likely to just do an Elsa and let it go (but secretly still believe I am right).

The other way alcohol loves to wreak havoc on my life is by stealing away my attention. Alcohol really brings out the inattentiveness in me, and I will openly zone out of conversations with people after having even one drink. Very embarrassing. Now the zoning out happens far later into the conversation…

Sleep is now restful and no longer feels like someone pressing ‘fast forward’ in the Sims

I am naturally quite a deep sleeper anyway, but whenever I drank and my head would hit the pillow/floor/bath, my sleep would feel the same as a character in a MMORPG: fade to black and two seconds later we’re back in the game. No rest at all.

These days, not only does the fade to black last for hours, but I actually dream, which is weird, and I wake up in the morning feeling at least slightly rested, which is an improvement.

Mornings no longer feel like they contravene my human rights

You can actually wake up hydrated? You can experience the morning without a head that feels like a teenage rock band is using it for rehearsal space? Your mouth can actually taste normal and not like a heap of rotten rubbish? Are you having a laugh?

When I first got sober and experienced a hangover-free morning, it was a revelation that I could have a gentle morning, with soft music, reading a book and eating food that wasn’t deep friend and cold. It felt like something out of a Guardian lifestyle article.

I have all the time in the world

How embarrassing to realise when you give up drinking that you now have so much free time! Did this mean I had no other hobbies other than drinking? You would be sort of right, unless watching endless amounts of shit TV counts as a hobby.

Naturally, being who I am, hobbies never truly stick. I am an ADHD stereotype - I acquire all the gear, then burn out after a couple of goes of knitting/baking/extreme frisbee.

Sobriety led me to rediscover how much I love writing. I’ve been on Substack for four months now and, fingers crossed, the hobby seems to be sticking.

My mental health has one less threat

No matter what lies I told myself about how much alcohol eased my anxiety and depression, the reality was that it created anxiety and depression It is a depressant after all!

No more beer fear in the morning. No more alcohol-induced ruminating, misunderstandings and crying. Removing alcohol has been one of the best self-care actions I could have taken for my mental health.

Experiencing all of life

As I mentioned earlier, part of the reason why I drank was to switch the world off, or at least turn down all of the sharp sounds and flickers of light that set my senses ablaze.

It slowed people’s speech down so I could process it. It stopped the ‘head of bees’ sensation I’ve described previously. I could even maintain consistent eye contact with someone whilst speaking to them (the problem was, what I was saying probably made little to no sense!).

The biggest learning curve since giving up alcohol has been learning to live without the option to turn the world down a bit at the end of the day. It has been difficult, but not as difficult as I thought it would be. Writing, reading and being alone frequently in a quiet space, without any demands on me, have helped greatly to enable me to process my thoughts at the end of the day and calm down. Obviously, this is a massive privilege and I’m really grateful that I have circumstances that make it possible.

I hope some of these insights are useful for you. I would love to write more about my sobriety journey as a neurodivergent person. I may write a future article on what I have found difficult, or what advice I would give to someone who is curious about going sober. Let me know in the comments if that would be something you are interested in.

Until next time,

Ren

P.S. the Substack image photo is of my cat and a bunch of no and low alcohol beers from a few years ago. He is a sweetheart.