Welcome to ‘Wavy Thoughts’, my weekly-ish newsletter about how I’m reframing my entire life following my discovering that I am AuDHD (autistic and ADHD). If you enjoy my writing, please consider subscribing. If you already subscribe, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. I’ll be writing extra newsletters for paid subscribers in the near future.

Subscribe now

“Congratulations, you’re autistic,” said the clinician.

I sat there and giggled. Of course I’m autistic. It all makes sense now. I laughed and laughed, and then, all at once, I cried.

This was the answer I had wanted for six months, since my therapist had first suggested that maybe there was more going on than just the very obvious ADHD I experienced. I’d told her I tend to get into semantic arguments. I’d told her that lockdown had both distressed me and provided me with solace. I’d told her that I’d felt like an alien who had crash landed to Earth as a kid.

Finally, I had answers.

Then a funny thing happened. Almost immediately I felt compelled, no, I felt obligated to share my news publicly.

This was back when I was a chronic people-pleaser. I felt I owed everyone an explanation as to why I am the way I am. I wanted to write and publish something on my socials that basically said:

“Hey everyone, I want you all to like me and I basically know I’m a massive weirdo and that’s why most of you regard me as a bit of a Marmite person. Well, this feeling that I’m a bit strange has tormented me my entire life but guess what! Not to worry at all, there’s actually a medical reason as to why I am like this and it actually says you can’t discriminate against people like me because it says so in the Equality Act. Therefore, legally you now have to be friends with me.”

Of course, that’s not what I wrote. But I still wrote an announcement post on social media, letting everyone know that I had been diagnosed autistic. I look back and cringe.

The comments the post got were WILD. People commenting about how I was “so brave to share” (brave, like I am battling a terminal illness.)

At the time I thought I had done a good thing. Wasn't I raising awareness about autism? Wasn’t I showing that autistic people are here amongst us all - we’re here, we’re neuroqueer, get over it, so to speak? Perhaps in a very ableist way I wanted to let people know that even people like me, i.e middle class managers, can be autistic (how grim is that).

It took me literally three years to realise that I did not, and I do not, owe anyone an explanation as to why I am the way I am.

The same applies to any autistic person. Hell, anyone at all on this planet.

Why did I feel the need? It was nobody’s business but my own. It’s almost like I wanted to apologise. I wanted to use autism as a way of deflecting - it’s not me, it’s the autism. Weirdly, maybe I thought people would give me grace if they knew I was autistic (as we know, usually the opposite is true).

What I am getting at here is, do it for you. Discover who you are, for you. Don’t do it for any other person, you don’t owe anyone a thing.

If you enjoy my work, please consider buying me a coffee. I’m so grateful for the support.

Ren's Tip Jar

Until next time,

Ren