Hi friends,

I won’t lie, I’ve been feeling quite ill this week. Fairly heavy fatigue caused by a combo of the Covid I caught recently plus other Medical Rubbishness (a very technical term).

Being ill is the worst for so many reasons, never mind the sheer boredom of it all. What do you mean I can’t think clearly enough to do anything meaningful with my time? Do you see my knee jittering up and down? Do you not see these bitten nails? That’s nervous energy! Where is it meant to go?!

Being the genius that I am, I thought that I could handle doing a rather big change to my newsletter whilst being sick. I’m such a wazzock. Of course, the most optimal way to recover from fatigue is to ply yourself with unnecessary stress. Yikes. In retrospect, I can clearly see I have done my classic ‘pushing through despite it all’ act, also known as Burnout Behaviour™. I am so tired I could sleep for a year.

Change is difficult at the best of times. I remember being about 11, and receiving a glossy prospectus for the secondary school I was about to join that September. The prospectus became so dog-eared from the long time I spent poring over it, studying the photos of smiling kids waving test tubes over bunsen burners, wearing goggles that were comically too large for their faces. The prospectus really sold the school to me - there was a drama club, a creative writing club and everyone seemed to be very happy there. I couldn’t wait for Big School. Little AuDHD me clung to that prospectus as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Surprise, it wasn’t the truth.

I found the change from primary school to Big School so dispiriting, uncomfortable, discombobulating, and distressing. Too many new people, too many differing environments, too much noise. I went inwards, becoming even quieter, more detached, insular. You wouldn’t know to look at me that anything was wrong though. I was just the shy, quiet, well-behaved girl… until I’d erupt into a mega meltdown about an inconsequential worry whilst watching TV at home.

Any big change could prove irksome for me back then. Whether it was school, a house move, or even a change of ‘what we do on a Saturday’ (I made such a song and dance when it was decided our weekly visit to my Nan would be on a Sunday rather than a Saturday. Sorry Mum.)

It’s the same even now. I have been worrying about this new change to my paid membership for a while. Maybe worrying is too light a word. I have been ruminating incessantly about this decision. I wouldn’t even mind, but in the grand scheme of world history, this decision is completely insignificant.

Change is unpredictable by nature. We AuDHDers don’t tend to vibe with change for this very reason. Yet of course, we crave novelty.

“I want new things AND for things to stay exactly as they are. Is that too much to ask?!”

I also don’t vibe with being the one who instigates change when it means that people could potentially disagree with the decision I have made. The last thing I ever want to do in life is upset anyone. My Rejection Sensitivity has been off the charts recently. For all my evangelising about how you should live your authentic life, I sure have skin like wafer thin ham (same colour too).

Anyway, as the saying goes, this too shall pass. If I didn’t experience these sorts of downs, I wouldn’t recognise or value the sublime ups that grace my life as often as they do. (Also, I’m giving myself points for experiencing alexithymia and being able to recognise the emotions I have been going through!)

This was more of a life update rather than a ‘Big Essay with a Thesis’. Hope you enjoyed it nevertheless, and I’ll be back next week with hopefully more energy and bigger Wavy Thoughts. This was more of a ripple of a thought.

Oh and thank you for your reaction to last week’s essay. It was completely unexpected and truly heartening.

Take it easy,

Ren

PS. If you’re curious about the change to my paid membership - the big news is my paid membership is now being delivered through Patreon, rather than Substack (I’m sticking with sending my free newsletters on Substack). You can check out my Patreon here.

Patreon is the new home of the Book Diaries, it has a tip jar and a shop for my zines (sneak peek below) and other bits I would like to offer soon. I can now offer each newsletter post as an individual purchase rather than a subscription, and I can set lower priced membership tier options in future.

I’m not going to make a big promotional fuss about it yet, mainly because I am still not feeling very well, but I am grateful to the paid subscribers who have stuck with me this past week to sign up there. I appreciate you and your support a great deal. If you’re a paid subscriber, please check your emails, I’ve sent you instructions on how to claim your membership!

Shiny New Patreon