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Sorry for the radio silence, I kind of lost the plot for a little bit.

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I forgot all the strategies I’d put in place to prevent future bouts of autistic burnout. Instead I ploughed ahead with new projects in my professional and personal life. All while dealing with the ups and downs that life likes to throw at us. I did this even though I was writing at the time about how I was on the cliff edge of burnout! I won’t be told, I always think I know best. Embarrassing.

Autistic burnout strikes again - by Ren Riley

When will I ever learn?

Earlier this week I found myself melted in a puddle, needing to be scraped off the floor. It was done, my brain was mashed potatoes. Coincidentally I’m now off work on leave for ten days (what a well timed annual leave this is!).

So what was I ignoring? How did I let it get to this point? I’m going to share my mistakes with you. Let’s break it down.

Energy

I stopped assessing what my energy was like every morning, and reverted back to ‘I can be a perfect robot human who completes every task at optimal quality every time’ mode. My little do-gooder swot of an inner child sits on my shoulder and whispers ‘You have to be perfect or why bother at all?’ Super toxic. This attitude means I go out to work, not giving a second thought for how I am really feeling that day, and push myself to the brink for no reason. I come home every day having given literally 110% at work, to find that I can’t get my words out too well, so I have to sit in silence for hours in the evening, not doing much at all. Not the best way to exist really.

Masking

I let the mask creep back in, in the name of professionalism. Ew. I think subconsciously I mask because I am afraid of people’s reactions to ‘the real me’ (obviously) and also because masking is a form of protection. It’s a form of having your guard up at all times. But it’s also incredibly exhausting. Over the past few weeks when I realised that burnout could potentially be paying me a visit, I noticed how much I was putting on a different way of speaking, how I was being too mindful of eye contact and suppressing other little, completely normal, autistic behaviours I do. It’s not healthy.

Being Truthful

This is an interesting one because I experience alexithymia, which means I struggle to identify my own emotions, particular in the moment when something happens. I wasn’t checking in with myself enough - no journalling and not even really a moment’s peace to just have a think. I was going about my day at 100 miles an hour, paying no attention to how I was really feeling. Instead, I went from feeling super numb, to crying in the middle of the day without understanding why I was crying. My own tears told me it was time to slow down again.

A Complete Aversion to Slowing Down

I’ve already written about this here, but let me reiterate, I hate slowing down.

'Slow Down' - a phrase I'm trying to understand

It is one the essentials to ensure recovery from autistic burnout, but how do I actually do that?

My thoughts stop for no one. I will have numerous ideas, often admittedly batshit, throughout the day. The endorphins I get from a crossed off to-do list are frankly unmatched. I am an insufferable chronic overachiever who is going to drive themselves into an early grave if they don’t slow down.

There it is, the stark reality. How do you get a whizzy brain to chill out? Answers on a postcard please (and don’t be a smart arse and say meds. I love meds for the people who can take them. Sadly I can’t take ADHD meds, which saddens me, but there must be other things I can do.)

Resting

I’m going to try this new thing called ‘resting’. Heard it’s meant to be good for you.

Thank you so much to everyone who has subscribed since I have been away. One time I promised to write more researched pieces, wrote one, got bored and now I’m back to my ‘teenager who keeps a Live Journal’ style of writing. I write what I know, and there ain’t no shame in that. If you have any suggestions of topics for future articles, let me know in the comments.

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Until next time,

Ren