Practising ambivalence
Ambivalence as a superpower
My approach to selling was turned on its head by my coach. He coaches ethical selling, which has little in common with selling in the conventional sense. It’s all about stewardship. And that was my epiphany.
If an ethical sale happens, it happens in the context of a conversation, which happens in the context of a developing relationship.
And your role as a steward is to manage that conversation to deliver a useful outcome for your prospect.
A useful outcome might be a better understanding of their problem.
A (mutually) useful outcome might be their decision to hire you.
But a useful outcome might also be a positive, well-informed decision NOT to work with you.
That’s right. A useful outcome for your prospect might mean no sale for you.
And a genuine steward has to be comfortable, if not happy, about that. If it wasn’t right for them, it wasn’t right for you.
This requires a service mentality rather than a conventional sales mentality. And that’s why it suits me so well. I’m good at service, to the extent that I’d consider it part of my identity. And I’ve always considered myself bad at sales in a similarly fundamental way. Selling is way out of my comfort zone, but there’s no sweat, no stress, in a service conversation.
Stewardship runs on ambivalence.
The essence of ambivalence, its etymological derivation, is the idea that there’s strength on both sides - from the Latin, ambi (both, on both sides) and valentia (strength).
So the steward of an ethical sales conversation is able to draw strength from a sale or from a non-sale. There’s the short-term financial gain of a sale. Or there’s the long-term reputational gain (and possible future sales or referrals) that accrue from a process of integrity that ends in no sale. Strength of one kind or the other comes from a diligent desire to deliver a positive outcome for the prospect.
When your prospect picks up on your genuine desire to get them and help them rather than sell to them, that obviously builds trust. And this, ironically, will make a sale more likely rather than less. That’s how ambivalence becomes a superpower.
Ambivalence is a superpower if you prefer servicing to selling.
Ambivalence as a practice
Dictionary definitions of ambivalence describe it as being torn between conflicting thoughts or contradictory feelings. Ambivalence is presented as a deeply unsettled state of mind.
Far from being a superpower, dictionaries make ambivalence sound like an instrument of torture. The ‘strength on both sides’ etymology conjures up images of the winches at each end of a medieval rack, agonisingly pulling you in different directions.
The underlying premise is that there’s a positive/negative polarity to any feeling of ambivalence. Ambivalence is an inherently love/hate emotional response. Ambivalence is a dilemma.
To practise ambivalence as a steward requires a change to this polarity. There can be no negative. Both poles are positive. At the outset of a conversation you must believe that either outcome - sale or no sale - could be the best option for your prospect. And any feelings of conflict or confusion should dissipate as a well-facilitated conversation allows both parties to reach the most appropriate conclusion.
This is counter-intuitive in a sales situation. A non-sale might be the best outcome for the prospect, but how can it be a positive outcome for you? The language and aesthetics of selling don’t help: conversion, closing, objection handling. They all position a non-sale as a failure.
Embracing ambivalence as a superpower requires a positive reframing, which requires practice. A non-sale is not a failure. It’s the successful avoidance of buyer’s and seller’s remorse. The occasional non-sale is a natural and desirable outcome of a long-term, trust-building, reputation-enhancing approach to sales.
Ambivalence as a privilege
It’s obviously easier to be ambivalent about landing new work if you don’t need it to pay the bills. It’s easier to be ambivalent about a deal if you’re staring down a long runway of cash in the bank. In this respect it’s understandable to view ambivalence as a privilege. It’s a nice attitude if you can afford it.
Nonetheless, this service-driven, prospect-centric kind of ambivalence is a prerequisite for ethical selling.
What’s more, as mentioned above, an ambivalence-based sales conversation that engenders trust in your prospect is more likely to land you a deal than lose it. It’s a sound strategy even if you’re on your uppers.
Ambivalence as a principle
Thanks to my coach, I’ve adopted ambivalence as a matter of principle for sales conversations.
It’s a principle that will cost me money on those occasions when it makes most sense for a prospect not to hire me.
But, more importantly, it’s a principle that allows me to conduct sales conversations in a way that aligns with my values and my identity. It’s a principle that turns my attitude to selling on its head: from a necessary evil to a valuable service.