We're Off to the Hot Dog Races
There is so much incidental baseball history in this one! 4,000+ words of it.
Hi Bestie!!
I don't want to see a real hot dog ever again — do not send me videos of the hot dog bar — I need to make that clear in the lede because this email is very 'furter-forward.
(I have started to plan my Mermaid Parade costume for next year and it's hot dog-themed, so please, please, understand me.)
I do not want to pull a slimy wiener out of a Ziploc bag, I do not want to inhale the smell of a frank raw or cooked, I do not want to delicately slip the moist sausage into the folds of a bun, etc. I hate hot dogs and I have served enough behind the bar for all of our lifetimes — there are quite a few of us now. (There are eleven of us!) I have also eaten so many in my youth, as my peers have long loved the link. Yet, here we are, diving head first into the world of racing tube steaks. (Please send the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council my respects.)
Katherine I am, I not want to eat the stuffed ham.
The thing about me is that I love a novelty. A human in a hot dog costume is up my alley (down my baseline?) After long seasons of digitally animated condiments Major and Minor League Baseball are back to putting underpaid employees into colored foam and making them run! This summer I cheered so fervently for relish (a condiment I do not like) at a Cyclones game that I lost my voice. It was worth it. Relish won. Relish never wins. She's often the Teddy Roosevelt of condiments. (That's a call forward, you're welcome.) Shout out to the Brooklyn Cyclones Surf Squad members who continuously ran for relish — and whoever ran in Camden Yards, too. (For one game in June, co-owner Mike Arougheti raced with his sons.)
The mascot race started in the early 1990s with The Sausage Race at Milwaukee County Stadium at the bottom of the sixth inning for the Milwaukee Brewers. An animation that took to the field in 1992, the race was a promotion for Klement's Sausage Company. Today the Famous Racing Sausages run at the renamed American Family Field and are sponsored by Johnsonville. Tragically the jersey sponsor patch is not Johnsonville but Northwestern Mutual. (I've looked up each patch and the best one is Pittsburgh, as it is Sheetz.)
Are you sitting somewhere? This graf will bring you to your knees. The race was founded with three sausages: Polish, Italian, and Bratwurst. The hot dog was introduced in the mid-1990s. Details about this auspicious addition were not available. Chorizo was added in the mid-2000s. Unfortunately, the sausages are not hot dogs with eyelashes, but people with cultural characteristics. Are you picking up what I'’m throwing on the grill? It's not great, as I've taken to saying diplomatically, that Chorizo wears a sombrero.
Per Wikipedia, and not cited, the Famous Racing Sausages race their Pittsburgh counterparts twice a year and have twice appeared on ESPN, once to run the sports channel's staffers. In 2003 a Pittsburgh Pirates player hit one of the sausages with a bat. She laughed it off but he was arrested, fined, suspended, and later traded to the Cubs for "unrelated" reasons that season. (Unrelated, sure.) He hit mock sausages three years later when the Brewers visited the Phillies for the post-season. Philadelphia delights in finding ways to turn me off when we are meant to unite in Friendship. I would not recommend this now, as the Brewers had a proclivity toward violence this season.
Unrelated to the Sausages, but deeply important to me, is that the stadium has a slide. Bernie Brewer, the team's official mascot, takes a ride from his treehouse overlooking the outfield to the level below. (He used to ride a short slide into a mug of beer.) For $175 I can go down that slide, too. Does anyone want to go to Milwaukee next summer? I think we're gonna love it there! Bernie is the team's primary mascot. He had a companion named Bonnie, who has retired. He is occasionally joined by Barrelman, which is a barrel with arms, legs, and soulless pupils. To my vast knowledge, Barrelman does not run the bases but did in the 1940s and 1950s.
For yet another aside, I had been talking about Laverne & Shirley during trivia recently. I thought, shouldn't they have run the bases? OF ALL PEOPLE? (Penny Marshall directed A League of Their Own.) I found a video from 2018 when the cast of Laverne & Shirley and Happy Days appeared in jerseys at what was then Miller Field. (Of course, Marshall was honored in Rockford, Illinois in 2019.)
Hot dogs are overwhelmingly the chosen symbol for the mascot race, usually distinguised by condiments. The Cleveland Guardians have ketchup, mustard, and onion dogs. The onion dog was, at some point in recent history (post-meltdown), dressed to emulate Charlie Sheen's character in Major League. Today is seems to be coded as feminine. They are very popular with fans. (Given the fanbase's proclivity to clinging to racist mascots, I don't know if I trust their taste!)
The Kansas City Royals, who call their race a "hot dog derby" feature the holy trinity: ketchup, mustard, and relish. The Derby condiments are Heinz-branded. Their mascots are much like those of the Orioles, who brought their hot dogs back this year with a series of delightful puns:
The Hot Dogs returned to Camden Yards this year. The three hot dogs race down the warning track midway through the game. Relish won 28 games this season to Ketchup's 27 and Mustard's 26. I love hot dog racing, but if other cities are going to pick a theme, Baltimore could race its heroes (by which I mean Mr. Boh, Ms. Utz, a pink flamingo, and a yellow salt box) or blue crabs. I'm grateful for Berks' sponsorship, but the hot dog is not local to the city! If we're going to open things up to hometown heroes and local symbols, Baltimore has a lot to choose from.
The Mariners don't have this problem. Seattle's team debuted the Salmon Run this year, racing costumed fish during the middle of the fifth inning. This is the first mascot race for the Mariners. Each racer pays tribute to different species of salmon local to the area. I'm going to drop quote because this whole affair is so good:
- King — named after the Chinook or King salmon. King is the fastest, strongest salmon swimming in the streams. King dons a red robe, gold crown and "K" necklace. When King wins a race, it will replicate King Félix's iconic perfect game pose.
- Sockeye — named after the Sockeye salmon. Sockeye is reminiscent of the 1990s grunge scene in Seattle. Complete with a flannel and septum piercing, this fish will perform an air guitar dance to the tune of Alice in Chains during victories.
- Silver — named after the Coho or Silver salmon species. Silver is the smartest fish in the water. Always with a device in hand, it will use its brilliance to compete on a nightly basis, but look out... you never know what stunt Silver has up its sleeve...or fin?
- Humpy — named after the Humpback or Pink salmon, which local fishermen call "humpies." While lovable, this humpbacked fish has a hard time finding its direction, and even swimming! Even with the help of a life vest, floaties, and floatation device, Humpy has an uphill battle to win the race each game.
They even have a fake scandal, which is surely meant to parody other fixed races, but it not unheard of in the world of mascot races.
In Miami, the Marlins used to race sea creatures! The team ran a Marlin (Billy), a shark (Julio), an octopus (Bob), and a stone crab (Angel) for five years, ending in 2017. When Bob accidentally won in 2015, executive David Samson threatened to fire the costumed racers. The team revived the race in 2023 with three roosters. The inspiration is likely from the painted roosters in Little Havana.
In a similar theme, but not wet or feathered, the St. Louis Cardinals race a "farm team" through a partnership with Missouri Farmers Care. (This is funny because it's agriculturally and because of the MLB farm system.) The "Race to the Place" features Captain Cornelius (an ear of corn wearing a cape), Simon the Soybean (a ball with legs), and Sweet Bessie (a cow in a pink jumpsuit). The program is meant to promote and educate audiences on Missouri's ag-life.
In Minnesota, the Twins race Bullseye The Dog, Wanda The Walleye, Skeeta The Mosquito, Louie The Loon, and Babe The Blue Ox. Wanda wears a purple dress and pearls, while Babe wears a neckerchief and Buffalo plaid. Bullseye looks like Target's mascot. A writer for Slate raced as Wanda in 2016. It's all about who you know! (And I don't know anyone at Camden Yards.) In 2018 someone at MPR also detailed his experience. Unlike the Marlins race, Minnesota's sprint is not fixed.
At Nationals Park, the four Presidents on Mount Rushmore — George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt — race during the fourth inning. The racing Presidents debuted in July 2006. Three other Presidents have raced: Taft (2013–2016), Coolidge (2015), and Hoover (2016). The Presidents are often dressed in Nationals jerseys bearing a number for the term they served (one for Washington, 16 for Lincoln, 26 for Roosevelt, and three for Jefferson). The retired Presidents now race in Florida, at The Fitteam Ballpark of the Palm Beaches, where the team trains in the spring.
Speaking of big-headed heroes, the UK raced Winston Churchill ("cigar and all"), the Loch Ness monster, King Henry XVIII, and Freddie Mercury, who won, at the London exposition this year.
Roosevelt ("Teddy") did not win a single race in seven years, even when given a head start. He finally won in 2012, the first year the team made it to the postseason. By 2017 he was back to being a giant loser again. (Much like the real man's legacy, my feelings on this are mixed.)
I saw a game in May where he wore a turtle shell and practiced a slow and steady wins-the-race strategy. He lost. I was a little disappointed. (Maybe the person likes losing in creative ways. I wonder if I can get in touch with the racer.)
The Presidents have run in other stadiums, including PNC Park, which hosts its race of five pierogis, the Great Pierogy Race, currently sponsored by Mrs. T's. The pierogies have appeared in Washington, DC during the 2008 and 2009 seasons. For their first appearance, four were chased by Teddy, who ran with an oversized fork and knife. (Love that for him.) For their second night they "faced off with the presidents in a relay race." In 2009 Potato Pete took out Teddy with a flying tackle. (At some point, Teddy had his revenge.) In August the Presidents (and Screech the Eagle) visited Camden Yards and Teddy almost won, losing to Relish.
The pierogies run between the fifth and sixth innings to the seminal "Sabotage." (Which has no connection to DC. Could we not get the rights to "Bustin' Loose" or "Out Of Step" ?) When they were introduced at Three Rivers Stadium, Potato Pete, Sauerkraut Saul, and Cheese Chester raced to "Run Like Hell" by Pink Floyd. (Oh, you couldn't get a Rusted Root song? The theme to The Wild Bunch? I fear I have started a bit.) The pierogies were a hit with fans and Jalapeño Hannah was soon added to the group.
Oh, but mix-ups followed. When the team moved to PNC Park, Oliver Onion was added and Potato Pete was dropped (he made occasional appearances) and didn't return until 2014!
During the games, the race was also animated and narrated by an announcer speaking Pittsburgh English. The animation would feature the pierogies running through the city. (I love that this video starts on the highway, ignominiously vexing to most tourists, myself included.) PNC Park abandoned its animation — and Yinzer announcer — in 2009. (Presumably unrelated to Potato Pete's flying tackle.)
Despite their frequent descent into violence, a sixth runner was added in 2015, Bacon Burt. The mustachioed dumpling won his debut race in April of that year. Pizza Penny joined two years later, in 2017. Pizza Penny and Potato Pete eloped in 2021, but Potato Pete has returned as of the 2023 season. Pizza Penny has not.
The lore and drama around these mascots are astounding (the Racing Sausages have high drama, too) but I find Pizza Penny's absence the greatest mystery of all. WHERE IS YOUR WIFE PETE.
Still in Pennsylvania: Altoona Curve, the Pirates' double-A affiliate, has a bagel race (“the Panera Bread Great American Bagel Race”) featuring Blueberry Bob, Asiago Allie, and Cinnamon Crunch Cindy at Peoples Natural Gas Field. (The team is named after Horseshoe Curve, a three-track railroad curve in Blair County.) I will spare you the Reels, but know that I sent them to my sister (who does not care) in light of Altonna's brief moment in the sun this year. (Everyone hates Altoona, huh.)
Also of note in the Minor Leagues: a team in Providence races soy sauce, wasabi, and sushi. Inland Empire's 66ers host "The Pineapple Express" with three pineapples named Petey, Patty, and James Franco.
The Buffalo Bisons hold the WCC Race, forcing a wing, cheese, and celery in a challenge (and occasionally, and Atomic Wing). Celery retired in 2017 after six years with a record of 1-449. In 2018 the race added beef on a weck and a carrot, and occasionally they all take to the ice for Sabres games. In 2019 they added "fish fry," which does not match the spirit of the game, but I've never been to Buffalo.
In 2018 the Tampa Bay Rays, who raced Pepsi sports drinks, announced a partnership with Coca-Cola. The Rays play at Tropicana Field, a Pepsico brand. They raced Pepsi, Aquafina, and a third soda around the bases. The stadium has kept its name but it is not clear what the team races now, if anything. I reached out to the team-slash-stadium for comment but haven't heard from them.
I was going to squeeze the Texas Dots Race here because I thought the dots were bottle caps. But they're gambling chips? I hate the Rangers, I hate their (new) stadium, and I hope everything the Bush family touches turns to ash. (Sophia is exempt.)
Others prefer the big-headedness of the game. The San Diego Padres (who have the best City Connect jersey, despite their wrongheaded mascot) raced Anchorman characters at least once. The Legends Race is a common alternative to hot dogs.
The Chicago White Sox indulge in this tradition, racing three oversized costumes of broadcasters and player from the '70s, '80s, '90s, and 2000s on the warning track. (They switch around legends for every game.) In Arizona, the Diamondbacks Legend Race stars oversized versions of Mark Grace, Matt Williams, Randy Johnson, and Luis Gonzalez during the seventh-inning stretch.
The Athletics, who left Oakland this year for temporary digs in West Sacramento, have only indulged in the Hall of Famer Big Head Race. They will move to Las Vegas in 2028 and I hope they take the Big Heads with them. The races began in 2013 at the now-closed Oakland Coliseum.
The Cincinnati Reds call their racers Big Heads, but they are not legends. The team races its mascots — I know some of you have been waiting for this — Gapper, the team's answer to the hilly Phanatic, Mr. Red, Mr. Red Legs, and Rosie Red. The cartoonish mascots wear the team's jersey. In 2015 a player from the Cubs was almost run over at the finish line. (This year a Twins player was almost trampled by the Sausages.)
Meanwhile, many teams need more fanfare. Wrigley Field, home of the Chicago Cubs, fervently denies its fans the pleasure of racing hot dogs.
Wrigley Field, by the way, was called Weeghman Park for one year, opening in 1914. It was home to the Racing Whales and named after the team's owner, Charles Weeghman, a German restauranteur who made his fortune in the lunch counter business. Weeghman built the stadium and started the Federal League after he failed to buy the St. Louis Cardinals. The league folded and Weeghman acquired a majority stake in the Cubs, who he moved to the stadium for their 1916–1917 season. "Chewing gum magnate" William Wrigley Jr. acquired the team in 1921 and renamed the stadium in 1927. Weeghman's nickname was Lucky Charlie and in a fictional Chicago universe, I am opening a dive bar named Lucky Charlies, festooned with banners rooting for the Racing Whales.
Fenway Park in Boston, where the Red Sox play, doesn't race any mascots, either. The Giants, the Angels, the Yankees, and the Mets also deny their fanbase this pleasure. Per a very polite email, the Blue Jays never have and never will engage in such a spectacle.
This is a missed opportunity in New York City. (Who cares about Canada's only MLB team.) I am not surprised the rude ass Yankees don't have a mascot race. They have no fun in their soulless stadium. The franchise is dedicated to an air of class, given its storied history; the team doesn't have a City Connect jersey or names on the back of their uniforms. But the Mets could race mascots. The Mets could race apples as an homage to the Home Run Apple on the field and in front of Citifield. Steve Cohen, my fee for this idea is $25 million dollars.
The Phillies more or less don't race mascots either, except for when they do, per a cagey and coy email: "A couple of times of year we will have a race of sorts, depending on the opponent we're playing." Does this mean they do something when the Nats are in town? Do they bring out a group of magenta monsters modeled after the Phanatic to tackle Teddy?
The World Series-winning Los Angeles Dodgers, who lack a mascot, don't race legends or hot dogs during the game. They do show a "digital food truck race on the DodgerVision screens." (Per, an email, natch. They sent me that video. Imagine the screams if they aced a Dodger Dog, a dog, and the Doyer Dog.) But the team has Bobbleheads, "costumed characters that provide entertainment before and during the game in the stadium concourses" they should race. (The Dodgers are "extremely reluctant" to call these characters mascots.)
They could have a dog as their mascot and race hot dogs — because Dodger Stadium sells more hot dogs than any other stadium, and the stadium is known for its Dodger Dog! The Dodger Dog is a 10-inch pork wiener in a steamed bun. Fans can get their wieners steamed or grilled (the latter is classic). Until 2021, the Dodger Dog was the Farmer John Dodger Dog. The wiener is now supplied by Papa Cantella's. (Who should have the sponsor patch, not a building company.) Standard hot dogs come with ketchup and mustard, but fans can enjoy a Doyer Dog which is made with chili, salsa, and jalapeños and invented in 1962. (When I see the Dodgers, and I will, this is what I'll have.) The Dodger Dog is universally beloved and appears in a book written by Vincent Price!
If you want to come with me to the Dodgers game, I'm also getting a cold one nearby at Highland Park Brewing, Homage Brewing, and a local bar known for its sake.
Shohei Otani's dog, Decoy, threw out the first pitch at a game against the Orioles last summer.
I know I established don't name names, but:
- Shout out to Price for listening to me scream about relish and telling me about the Famous Racing Sausages®.
- An enormous thank you to NICOLE who held on to the stuff of three people so we could run the bases after the Cyclones game on Pride Night in June. (I have been working on this issue for so long.) It's safe to say three of us usually have More Stuff (backpacks, other large containers, water bottles) and some of my gratitude lies there. It's always nice to have a friend who says, "Oh, I'll take that," so casually you don't have to reckon with your own mortality, which is what I do most of the time a person wants to lend aid!
If this made you hungry, Kalamazoo (home of the Growlers!) has an annual Hot Dog Walk every May. The event supports local businesses and Kalamazoo Loaves and Fishes ("promoting a hunger free community since 1982"). At 1 p.m. participants board a bus and stop at seven hot dog restaurants. (Alternatively, you can get a booklet with vouchers, which are good for a year.)
Also relevant: I wrote a long, rambling email to my bestie about MLB and MiLB teams, and ended up in a Six Flags-Cal Ripken, Jr. rabbit hole. Like Teddy Roosevelt, my feelings about Iron Man are mixed. Here is a compilation of vintage (1998–2004) commercials he did.
I almost wrote that I hadn't seen a big slide I didn't like, but that's not true! My dearest Matt took me to a state park in Michigan last summer before we went to the airport and we had a beautiful picnic at a playground with his son. I offered to try out the slides for him since that was once my job in Maryland, and Matt said, "I've never heard someone dislike a slide," or something to that effect. I disliked that slide very much and assume it is waiting for me at the gates of hell.
It was akin to the ride at the state fair I hated and one of you infamously said, "I could tell when that stopped being fun for you." (About halfway through I was sure I would die in an evening news tragedy.) I think I got over the first hump and cried, "Oh noooooooo," to the end. The other slides were fine. Occasionally I've been asked to test a short slide and I delight at stretching my legs to the end to show that the slide is less than six feet long. That said, inflatable water slides, slides that go through museums, and slides in breweries that are off-limits (looking at you, Angel City) are all very appealing to me!
Every few weeks there is something I can't find at the store. The news doesn't report shortages like it used to (onion rings, chicken tenders, cream cheese) — and I don't know if it's a shortage or a manufacturer's decision to cut back. Last week it was Kool-Aid. Now I lay in bed and wonder if this is the end of blue raspberry lemonade. Does anyone else remember Sharkleberry Fin and Purplesaurus Rex? This Substack does. Heinz, if you're out there, bring back Sharkleberry Fin and Purplesaurus Rex Kool-Aid!
My mother is the biggest victim of "if I have to know this, you do too," and unfortunately she cannot be spared because she is a subscriber. But after a year of wondering aloud, I can confirm to the fellow curious that Jon Hamm's weird nipples in Fargo were prosthetic.
NYC libraries got their budget back. (I told you this was old!) Someone online said it's always a good idea to bully your mayor. They're right. So let's bully the mayor and governor about masks. Let's get more trash cans shaped for pizza boxes and more lifeguards at the parks and pools. Bully the mayor into restoring the parks budget! Let's throw all the robot dogs into the river! (Also, of course, the mayor patted himself on the back for this, like he wasn't the one who gutted it! I'm not surprised but I'm still mad!)
I've walked more than 1,600 miles in my year-long race on the Oregon Trail. On the map, it looks like I can make it. I won't: I have to walk 2,024 miles before 11:59 p.m. on New Year's Eve. Pour one out for me.
Am I the only one who saw Past Lives? There’s a scene in the beginning where the main character tells the boy her family is moving to Canada because Koreans don't win the Nobel Prize in Literature. A Korean woman, Han Kang, won the Nobel Prize in literature!! She was eating dinner with her son when she found out. Where do you think you would be?
My mom sent this article about the Barcelona opera and plants on my birthday last month. (A bold move, to be sure. She wrote, "I chose this tune for Katherine and her extensive collection of plants which undoubtedly respond to a wide variety of music in her home!")
In pajama set news: CHEESE, in sizes up to 5X.
Jolie Kerr Corner: "The answer is that men and women are equally revolting and we should get rid of all of them." HEAR, HEAR. (77 percent of my subscriber base is female! I am not worried about this.)
Always your friend,
Katherine
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