16/02/26

I understood all the things I could have done to create an irresistibility, so why didn’t I do them? Well, the daylight was hurting my eyes and to be honest I was nervous. I prefer night for important moments, it’s smudgier and quieter and I can feel a little grounded.

Delusion followed me home on the overground. I was cold and I was wearing a black cardigan and I wasn’t hungry. What I love is to feel swallowed up by a city but on this day my actions had lead to my experiencing the opposite sensation. It was a level of gloomy self-consciousness that made me feel embarrassed to be alive.

No one is ever going to understand. My purpose while being alive in my body for this lifetime is to accept this and maybe even derive meaning from it, to abandon expectations.