Why All My Exes Were Actually Tests From God
For most of my adult life, I thought I was just “unlucky in love.”
But after my fifth breakup, I started to realize something deeper was at work. It wasn’t just bad timing or emotionally unavailable bartenders named Kyle — it was divine intervention.
Looking back, the signs were obvious.
Darren insisted we share skin care routines and used the phrase “emotional labor” unironically.
Tyler cried during RuPaul’s Drag Race: All Stars 3… but not during The Passion of the Christ.
Elliot had a pet snake, a nose ring, and used “slay” as a form of punctuation.
I used to think these were red flags. Now I know: they were spiritual pop quizzes.
According to the From Flamboyant to Faithful Dating Discernment Framework™ (patent pending), every ex is either:
A lesson from God
A temptation from the Devil
A barista you should’ve never DM’d in the first place
After months of reflection, repentance, and deleting the Grindr app seven times, I had a breakthrough:
God wasn’t punishing me — He was training me. He placed these emotionally unstable yet fashion-forward men in my path to test my resilience, my faith, and my ability to recognize a toxic Gemini when I see one.
Today, I’m proud to say I’ve been single for 14 months, and it’s the holiest dry spell of my life. I’ve stopped seeking validation from men and started seeking validation from obscure Old Testament scriptures and my CrossFit coach, Dale.
Remember: If he was hot but didn’t believe in tithing…
He wasn’t “the one.”
He was “the warning.”
Stay faithful. Stay flammable. And most of all… stay out of West Hollywood.