When Your Gay Thoughts are Just Demons with Jazz Hands
For years, I thought I was struggling with my identity. Turns out, I was just hosting a one-man Broadway show… in my soul.
It started subtly — humming Wicked in the shower, instinctively doing the hand choreo from Single Ladies, crying at Moulin Rouge for “the cinematography.” But after I found myself swaying to Ariana Grande in the produce section, I realized:
These weren’t just preferences. They were possessions.
I consulted my pastor. He nodded solemnly and handed me a pamphlet titled:
“Not Every Spirit Is Holy: Identifying Theatrics in the Flesh.”
According to Scripture (and page 3 of the pamphlet), symptoms of internal jazz-hand demons include:
Involuntary hip sways during minor chord progressions
Excessive finger snaps when disagreeing
A deep, unnatural knowledge of RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant eliminations by season
By the time I attempted to twerk during a youth group lock-in, it was clear:
I didn’t need a therapist.
I needed an exorcist with rhythm.
The deliverance was intense. There was oil. There was shouting. At one point, I shouted “YAS LORD!” and had to be restrained.
But when the glitter settled and the heels were metaphorically burned, I emerged changed.
Not straight. Not broken. Just vaguely uncomfortable in a Hollister hoodie.
Warning Signs You May Be Possessed:
You start saying “period” when there’s no punctuation involved
You refer to Adele as “mother” unironically
You get angry when someone calls Lady Gaga’s ARTPOP album “overrated”
Your spiritual gifts include “reading people” and “clapbacks”
In Conclusion:
If you or someone you love is experiencing fabulousness beyond their control, seek help.
It may not be hormones.
It may be Haunting by Homo-Spiritual Entities (HHSE) — a condition we’re only beginning to understand, but definitely already judging.