Welcome to issue #7 of Love Is a Rhythmical Art! (Issues #1-6 are waiting for you in the archive.) Ovid is focused today on one of the central characters in a Roman woman’s life: the ancilla, or maidservant. Slavery was a standard element of Roman culture, and any woman of at least moderate status was likely to have an ancilla among her slaves to serve as hairdresser, confidante, and ... rival?

As you’ll see below, Ovid encourages his (male) audience to make use of the ancilla as way to gain the attention of her mistress — but he also deliberates whether it’s a good idea to have sex with the ancilla as well. (Spoiler alert: it depends.) Back at the start of the book, Ovid emphasized the goal of finding a single woman to whom his student can say, “You’re the one that I love.” It now turns out that the student, if he plays his cards right, might end up saying, “You’re the two that I love.” And there’s more: the mistress herself seems to have another man in her life, and he seems to be cheating on her! In such a complicated world, it sure is a relief to be getting advice from someone as knowledgeable and experienced as Ovid....

It may help to know that these are themes that Ovid has touched on before.  His earlier collection of Amores (“Love Songs”) includes a pair of poems that focuses on the ancilla as a go-between, bringing Ovid’s love letter to her mistress and returning to him with her answer. Elsewhere he defends himself from his mistress’s charges that he has had an affair with her ancilla — and in the very next poem he asks the ancilla how his mistress could possibly have found out about their affair! In other poems Ovid encourages his mistress’s “man” (is he a husband? lover? it’s unclear, perhaps intentionally) to be either more or less strict in his control of her. All of which is to say that love is a game, the rules are complicated, and according to Ovid, if not Hoyle, the point of the game is to keep playing the game.

(For those of you following along in the original Latin, here are lines 351-398 of Book 1.)

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But before your new gal can be gained, 
On her maid let your eye become trained. 
   When the staff’s on your side, 
   The doors will swing wide 
And you’ll find yourself quite entertained. 
 
Make sure that the maid has divined 
Every thought in her mistress’s mind. 
   Be persistent until 
   You have gained her goodwill; 
With her help, what you seek you will find. 
 
As good doctors, so maids choose the hour 
For putting her mind in your power— 
   And the hour will be right 
   When she’s filled with delight, 
Like rich cropland that bursts into flower. 
 
Fair Venus’s arts will endorse 
A glad heart that’s devoid of remorse. 
   What kept Trojans inviolate? 
   Their lack of a smile—it 
Was joy that let in the great horse. 
 
Or arrange for a nonchalant meeting 
When she’s mad that her man has been cheating. 
   Her revenge will be sweet 
   If you match his deceit 
With a tryst neither fickle nor fleeting. 
 
Let a maid lead her mistress astray 
As she fixes her hair for the day. 
   Let her murmur and sigh, 
   “Would an eye for an eye...? 
Oh, but where there’s no will, there’s no way.” 
 
By insisting that Love’s made you sick 
Let the maid make her fall for some trick. 
   But the wrath that she’s felt, 
   If you’re sluggish, will melt 
Like frost in the sun—so be quick. 
 
Should you knock up your mistress’s maid? 
It’s a dangerous game to be played. 
   If you’ve shown you’re a man 
   She may foster your plan— 
Or profit herself from the trade. 
 
There’s no guarantee but a guess 
That you’ll meet in the end with success. 
   She may grant your request; 
   Even so, I suggest, 
Stay away from that dangerous mess. 
 
I won’t walk by the edges of canyons 
Or do dangerous deeds like Milanion’s; 
   On this comfortable cruise 
   I’m not eager to lose 
Even one of my student companions. 
 
If her skills, though, in love are overt 
And she’s luscious as well as alert, 
   Then go right ahead: 
   Get the mistress in bed, 
But save sex with the maid for dessert. 
 
Just one thing (if I help you progress 
And these words aren’t a load of B.S.): 
   Leave the task unbegun 
   Or get the job done— 
Then your partner in crime won’t confess. 
 
When you’ve netted a boar, it’s not right 
If he slips out in four-footed flight, 
   And you must understand 
   That a bird in the hand 
Is worth two in the bush, so hold tight. 
 
Any fish that have hooks in their throats 
Must be brought to the bottoms of boats; 
   So let nothing dissuade you 
   From taking the maid you 
Have readied and sowing your oats. 
 
But the thing must be very hush-hush. 
If you hide what might cause you to blush, 
   Not only will you 
   Keep your lover in view; 
With disaster you won’t have a brush. 

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In the next issue: meticulous timing and nickel-and-diming. Stay tuned.