And now for something completely different
The following might be very obvious to a lot of people. But because I don’t think we talk about it as much as I think we should, I also think that of those people very few are willing (or mostly able) to express what they feel.
I actually don’t know what I am trying to achieve by writing the following. My hope is, though, that everyone who feels that they’re in the same — or a very similar — boat will know that they’re not alone in this.
Temperamentally, I am unsuited for a lot of the things that are now required of anyone who is active as a creative person. Mind you, I’m not talking about the creative part. I’m talking about everything else that is connected to it, the sharing, the advertizing, the selling, the socializing.
I’ve always told people that I’m very comfortable to speak with people in a one-to-one setting. It doesn’t matter so much whether that person is a stranger or someone I know well. Even as I’m probably not the most interesting person to talk to, I enjoy engaging with a single person over a beer, a coffee, some food…
So when I write these emails, I do not think about the number of subscribers (the number doesn’t mean anything to me anyway). Instead, I write every email as if I were writing a letter to someone I know.
Things get very difficult the moment I find myself in a group setting. My instinct is to shut down and remain quiet because group settings are very stressful for me. Over the years, I have acquired strategies to deal with this problem. Now, I can deal with such situations. I can function perfectly well in a classroom, say. But there is a considerable mental toll. Group settings are very, very draining for me.
Every November, for some reason photoland gathers in Paris for Paris Photo. People always ask whether I go, and I always tell them I don’t. There’s the money aspect, of course. And usually, my job won’t let me.
Beyond that, though, the idea of going to Paris to have any number of group meetings and dinners is a complete nightmare for me. I would literally throw myself into a situation that would have a steep, steep price for my mental health.
I envy those photographers who enjoy meeting all their friends and have dinner with them. I don’t think they understand how lucky they are.
Every year, there has been the same mix of emotions around Paris Photo: being bummed out that I couldn’t go because it might actually be interesting, being frustrated about not being able to tell people how difficult going would be, feeling stressed over missing out on meeting all those people…
Up until now, I felt that for some reason, it’s not acceptable in photoland to talk about how difficult it is for people like me to go to those kinds of events. Whether that reason is real or imagined I can’t tell. It’s probably a mix of both.
If discussions around what I am talking about here happen, they typically focus on introverts versus extroverts. While reducing all people to members of only two groups is not necessarily super helpful, these two words neatly describe that some people thrive when dealing with other people (the extroverts) and some people don’t (the introverts).
The problem here is that unfortunately, photoland is largely organized around extroverts’ needs and abilities. If you’re an introvert, you have to force yourself to adopt extrovert behaviour if you want to be a part of photoland. That’s the reality of it.
The problem gets acerbated by social media, a tool custom made for extroverts. Ignoring the actual utility of that tool, I don’t think many people realize how taxing it is for introverts to use it. If, like me, you are generally disinclined to advertize something you’re offering, having to do so in a steady fashion is really difficult.
It’s doable — but it comes at a price (the price being a drop in your mental well-being). The other day, I noticed how that price was getting a bit too steep on Instagram for me, so I gave myself a break from it. Now, I’m worried about not using a tool that (supposedly) can help me “spread the word”. But I also feel a lot better not forcing myself to engage with that site.
I suspect this all will change again very soon. I have a workshop that I really need to advertize. I will have a new photobook out, meaning there will be 300 copies to sell. Around 1 November, I really need to get back on Instagram. Honestly, I’m not looking forward to it.
All of this boils down to the following: for introverts, there always is a price to pay as far as social media are concerned. You engage with it: you create stress for yourself because you’re literally forcing yourself to do something you can’t do well. You don’t engage with it: you create a different stress through the realization that now, it will be so much harder to sell those books or whatever it is that you’d need to tell the world.
As I said, I mostly wrote the above for all those people who find themselves in the same situation I am in. You are not alone. And it’s OK to feel the way you do. You can always step back to take care of your own mental needs. I don’t know who you are, but I see you.
And there probably are more of us than we are able to imagine sitting alone in the comfort of our homes.
I honestly don’t expect photoland to be changing to accommodate all of its introverts better. In general, photoland is very conservative and mostly won’t change. Beyond that basic fact, it’s not even clear how it could change, especially given the brutal neoliberal world we are living in.
But it would be nice if there were a larger awareness in photoland that for many of its members, things don’t come as easy as for the rest. Not everything should always be arranged around and for extroverts.
As a photoland introvert, it would feel awfully nice to be seen, at least some of the time.
With that I will end. Thank you for reading!
— Jörg