Your doctor knows what your blood pressure and heart rate should be. They know what your glucose should be. They know how many hours you should sleep at night. But they have no idea how often you should fart. This doesn’t seem to me like a major failing of medical science, but a group of researchers at the University of Maryland, College Park told Science News they were “shocked” by the lack of a baseline measurement of farts.

To get to the bottom of this, they developed a sensor that attaches to your undies. It measures farts continuously. Then when you take it off to recharge the batteries, it transmits the data to the lab where the researchers, who study the gut microbiome, can combine it with everyone else’s data, and, I don’t know, maybe add another vital sign to those that doctors already measure? (“So how’s your blood pressure been, Mr. Wilson? Good, good. And is your flatulence up to snuff, been tooting on the regular, have you?”)

I also don’t know how granular this data is. Does the device distinguish between different types of farts? Silent but deadly, eye-burners, puffy poots, skirt lifters, trouser coughs, etc. And if it did, would it matter? Do stinky farts signal better gut bacteria? Do loud ones mean your internal fauna are having a brawl? I can see where this research could get very complex.

If you think this is a niche interest, think again. It turns out that folks are just dying to measure their farts. Because so many people volunteered, researchers had to pause enrollment in the study. (I’m guessing they ran out of booty sensors.) This surprises me because I recently wrote an article about how difficult it is to get heart patients to use a similar device that checks blood pressure and transmits the readings to your doctor (and you don’t have to put it in your underpants). Even though your life may depend on it, you aren’t willing to take your blood pressure a couple of times a day, but you will wear a gadget in your bloomers that measures your farts? Go figure.

I promise to let you know if I get wind of any new developments. Meanwhile, take a recommendation from Ben Franklin and “fart proudly.”

’til next time

Avery