growth
Every third person I've hung out with recently has observed that my hair is getting long. They are correct about this. I've been growing it out for... I think a year now? I don't remember, in part because that's the deal of just letting it grow: it looks like a style choice, but really it's the product of continued indecision and laziness. On the other hand, I've been thinking a lot about how of course long hair is considered feminine. Like everything girls do, it doesn't seem like it would be, but it's kind of a lot of work.
Anyway, it's the time of year when you're supposed to be thinking about goals, so, dutifully, I've been thinking about them. What do I want to write next year? Where do I want to place it? Should I set myself some kind of number to hit, like, monetarily? Probably, right? I mean over and above paying like, my rent and for groceries and everything. "Deciding what you're worth" seems like a thing adults can and should do, in their careers and in their lives.
But I have a complicated relationship to this kind of thinking. ("Zan, is there anything you don't have a complicated relationship to?" "You know it's interesting that you ask that question, because I've been thinking a lot--" "Nevermind!!!!") I tend strongly to be rule-bound and goal-oriented, the kind of person who will give herself an essentially arbitrary salary to strive for in a calendar year and then spend every day of it torturing herself about whether she's meeting it, whether she's set it too low, if she can meet and then succeed it, and if so how rapidly, and if not, why the fuck not? I tend not to give myself goals because then I get obsessed with the goals, and not the process of meeting them. SEE, guys, the thing about my hair was totally me setting up a metaphor: I'll cut it when I feel like I need to cut it. For me, trusting that I can take care of my self on a day-to-day basis is maybe more important, right now, anyway, than trying to create some kind of frame structure and then spending all my time trying to cram my life to fit inside of it.
That said, in 2017 I want to interview Hanson and Harry Styles; I want to have another piece come out in print. And at some point, probably soon, I'm gonna set a floor on my freelance rates.
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In the mean time, as promised, I wrote about fantasy, power, access and Kylie Jenner, and about being a petty bitch.
Anyway, it's the time of year when you're supposed to be thinking about goals, so, dutifully, I've been thinking about them. What do I want to write next year? Where do I want to place it? Should I set myself some kind of number to hit, like, monetarily? Probably, right? I mean over and above paying like, my rent and for groceries and everything. "Deciding what you're worth" seems like a thing adults can and should do, in their careers and in their lives.
But I have a complicated relationship to this kind of thinking. ("Zan, is there anything you don't have a complicated relationship to?" "You know it's interesting that you ask that question, because I've been thinking a lot--" "Nevermind!!!!") I tend strongly to be rule-bound and goal-oriented, the kind of person who will give herself an essentially arbitrary salary to strive for in a calendar year and then spend every day of it torturing herself about whether she's meeting it, whether she's set it too low, if she can meet and then succeed it, and if so how rapidly, and if not, why the fuck not? I tend not to give myself goals because then I get obsessed with the goals, and not the process of meeting them. SEE, guys, the thing about my hair was totally me setting up a metaphor: I'll cut it when I feel like I need to cut it. For me, trusting that I can take care of my self on a day-to-day basis is maybe more important, right now, anyway, than trying to create some kind of frame structure and then spending all my time trying to cram my life to fit inside of it.
That said, in 2017 I want to interview Hanson and Harry Styles; I want to have another piece come out in print. And at some point, probably soon, I'm gonna set a floor on my freelance rates.
-
In the mean time, as promised, I wrote about fantasy, power, access and Kylie Jenner, and about being a petty bitch.
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