good company
Recently I was talking to a friend about silent meditation retreats, which I'm morbidly obsessed with, because I really feel that I should try to do one, and also feel quite confident that I simply, physically cannot.
Which is ironic, because one of my favorite pieces of writing advice, the rare nugget I dole out regularly and confidently (because most writing advice is a crock; mostly it's figuring out what works for you and then doing that) is that if you want to write, you have to get comfortable spending time alone. A blank page is bad, but seeing your words on it can almost be worse-- it's like hearing a recording of your own voice, I always say. You need to get over the part where you're like, why do I sound like that. Get past self-consciousness as best you can, and just learn how to sit around with yourself, listening and then hearing without judgement.
But like... I'm okay spending time with myself when I'm working. Every other minute of the day I'm probably doing something and also listening to a something at the same time: podcasts while I cook and do dishes and brush my teeth, music if I'm taking a walk or driving. I talk a big old game about seeking quiet and avoiding distraction, but I'm, like, only sort of okay at it at best.
My friend said, about this silent meditation retreat, something along the lines of: "It taught me that my own company was enough to go on. That it was enough."
As it happens, I am about to head out on a retreat, though not a silent one: I'm driving up to Northern California to hike and sleep and write, to try to settle into my body and bones before Look comes out and I start flinging myself all over the country on tour. (Global pandemics permitting, of course.)
I'm very anxious about it. I'm going to be on a farm with two other people, neither of whom I know, for ten days. Ten days! Do you know how many hours that is for me to fill?? Ten days???? I really don't want to spend any part of them scrolling Twitter or watching TV; that seems like a waste of a long drive and a not-insignificant amount of money. But: ten days!
So I'm trying to think of it as a nervous beginner's introduction to silent meditation: a little less human noise, and hopefully much less of the digital kind, too. Longer hours in real quiet, both working and not working. Trying to encourage my mind to be a little less frantic. Teaching myself that my own companionship is enough to go on. That it and I are enough.
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If you, however, are looking for something to read, I wrote about visiting electronic music pioneer Suzanne Cianni at home in Bolinas for the most recent issue of The Gentlewoman. (Print only!)
You can also read an excerpt from Look on Penguin's website! BuzzFeed says it's one of 17 GBTQ Books You'll Absolutely Want to Pick Up This Winter, and BookRiot has it on its March TBR shortlist as well.
And I'd love to see you IRL if you're in LA. Tomorrow at 7pm I'm talking to Rachel Vorona Cote about her book Too Much: How Victorian Constraints Still Bind Women Today at The Ripped Bodice.
Then it's all book tour dates, on both the east and west coasts:
LA Launch Party
Tuesday, March 31, 7:30 pm
Skylight Books, Los Angeles, CA
Join me as I read from Look, answer questions about it (and everything else), and celebrate its launch into the world! Pre-order your copy from Skylight here.
New York Launch Party
Friday, April 3, 6:30 pm
Private home; RSVP to zanopticon@gmail.com for address
Books will be for sale, and snacks and drinks will be served!
Boston Reading and Book Signing
Tuesday, April 7, 7:00 pm
Porter Square Books, Cambridge, MA
Pre-order your copy from Porter Square here.
Arlington Reading and Book Signing
Wednesday, April 8, 7:00 pm
One More Page, Arlington, VA
Pre-order your copy from One More Page here.
Alexandria Reading and Book Signing
Thursday, April 9, 7:00 pm
Hooray for Books, Alexandria, VA
Yallwest
Saturday, April 25
Santa Monica High School
More info coming soon!
plus a few more I can't announce quite yet. It's going to be busy. I'm excited, y'all.
And if you made it this far: someone I love very much is having surgery today. Spare a thought or a blessing or a vibe for her, would you please?
Thanks. Love,
Zan