Glittery - Kacey Musgraves (feat. Troye Sivan)
I like how this song describes positive but somewhat confusing romantic feelings. Every single kiss is like a gift to me but also you shake me up and turn me upside down just like a snow globe.
I’ve never felt that skilled at expressing my romantic feelings. I’m often caught tangle-tongued when partners sincerely say sweet things to me. “Thanks, yes, I… also think you are great” feels pretty weak.
I’ve been working on getting more sincere about romance. I feel like I’m more openly in love with Zach since they died, and my goodness that’s regrettable. After the funeral, one of their friends told me something like “Zach loved you so much it was scary” and it continues to bother me that I’m not sure anyone would have said something similar to Zach if I’d died. Well, somewhat similar things, sure, everyone knew Zach was important to me, but there’s so much conviction behind that statement. So much it was scary. I’m not proud of being more private with my scarier feelings.
I used to be even worse at this. As a teenager, I was weirdly furtive about my first relationship, even though there was nothing secret about it. I liked dating my girlfriend. I wasn’t closeted. Our friends were in favour. I remember warning my math teacher that I’d be missing class and making it sound like I was going to Halifax to tour a university, rather than to visit her. The relationship wasn’t a secret, so why was I keeping it to myself?
There seems to be a part of me that doesn't want people to think I care about romance. Being sincerely and intensely in love with someone is kind of cringe, y’know? I’m trying to get over that. I’d rather adopt the attitude in this A Softer World comic: I laugh along, but inside I know that it’s true: being in love is totally punk rock.
Towards well-decorated hearts,
- Tessa