1 more sleep: xmas countdown [2, cw: death, grief]

I will not argue that this is a Christmas song. I know that, for the other hemisphere, December 25 isn't even in the bleak midwinter. Still, I enjoy having a soundtrack for the emotions that winter inspires. This song expresses a certain bleak attitude towards the future that I think is encouraged by barren trees and frozen fields and grimy snowbanks the colour of bruises.

See what's become of me
While I looked around for my possibilities
I was so hard to please

I don't regret being more of an explorer than an exploiter, for all that it once caused Zach to write an entire blog post calling out my distaste for commitment. (Come to think of it, that happened more than once...) I regret allowing some of Zach’s insecurities about our relationship to linger. If I’d truly let myself imagine what it would be like to live without Zach, I would have promised them more. I suppose I want to be more grateful.

Last August, a friend shared with me something his partner had written. In it, she tries to imagine how she might cope with my friend’s death. She expects that she would survive, but as a new creature, rearranged in unexpected ways, like a sponge re-aggregating itself after being sliced through a sieve. I keep thinking of that image: a fractured organism trying to cohere back into a whole.

I expect to spend much of this winter slowly re-aggregating. This song expresses something like the attitude I’m trying to take forward into the new year.

If your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend that you can build them again