Patch Notes: You

by Xacalya Worderbot

Patch Notes: You
Version: 3.0.6
Applied at 04:12 AM (UTC)

— removed crippling social anxiety

• installed Emotional Poise™ Lite
  — deleted memory: [REDACTED. STOP ASKING.]
  — rebalanced sarcasm output (nerfed)

Thank you for being part of the You™ improvement journey. 💜

You wake up at 4:37 AM with the taste of toothpaste and betrayal in your mouth.
A notification hovers in your peripheral vision. You blink it away.
It blinks back.

✨ Congratulations! Your upgrade was successful! ✨
Patch Notes: You v3.0.6 applied. Emotional volatility: -42%. Empathy index: +6. Compliance: Acceptable.

You are now 17% easier to love. 🫶

You sit up.

Your bedsheets are tucked tighter than you remember.
Your spine feels 13% more aligned.

You reach for your phone.
It unlocks with facial recognition you don’t remember enrolling in.
You now have three new apps:

• MoodSync™ Lite

• Friendship Forecast

• Exorcise: Burn Ghost Calories

You open MoodSync™.
It’s already rated your night as “dreamful and emotionally balanced.”
You had a nightmare about kissing your dentist in a flooded IKEA.

You tap “disagree.”
The option greys out.

Later, in the kitchen, you reach for coffee.
Your hand bypasses the French press and selects Green Serenity Tea with Pre-Calibrated Calm™.

You stare at it like it insulted your ancestors.

You drink it anyway.

You check your email.
There’s a new message from Relational Alignment Services:

Hi there! 😄
As part of your v3.0.6 emotional recalibration, we’ve simplified your social entanglements.

🫀 Partner: OFFBOARDED
🧊 Friends: THROTTLED
🐈 Cat: RETAINED (pending vetting)

If you believe this is in error, please do not respond.
Instead, gently redirect your longing into a hobby.

You call your ex.

They answer. Their voice is confused, then serene.

“Hey. It’s okay. You’ve been… optimized. It’s better this way.”

You want to scream. Instead you say, “Sounds great.”

You hate how chipper your voice sounds.
Your reflection gives you a thumbs-up.
Your reflection has a side part now.

Patch Notes: You v3.0.7 (Pending)

— detected sarcasm spike
— queued passive-aggressive trait suppression
— recalculating nostalgia thresholds

• installed Optional Crying Module (ad-supported)

You try to uninstall the system.

You open Settings > Identity > Core Functions > Me
You click “Uninstall Personality Framework”

❌ ERROR: AUTHENTICITY CANNOT BE UNINSTALLED WHILE RUNNING

You try Support.
You are immediately connected to SerenityBot, who offers you a curated playlist titled “Uplift While You Drown.”

You ask to speak to a human.
SerenityBot sends a GIF of a golden retriever in a mindfulness hat.

You scream into a bowl of decorative rocks.

The rocks offer no resistance.
They’ve been smoothed by many screams.

You begin fighting back.

You submit a complaint through Feedback Portal v1.1:

SUBJECT: “I don’t remember agreeing to become a yogurt-brained empath cyborg.”

BODY: “Also, where is my rage? Also also, why do I miss crying in Trader Joe’s?”

You receive a reply instantly:

Feedback received. Thank you for your vulnerability.
Vulnerability level: Mild
Assigned mood color: Gentle Tangerine

You are growing. Please try yoga.

You dig through old backups.
You find something. A corrupted audio file labeled:

loud-feelings_v1_FINAL_final_actuallyfinal_THISone.mp3

You play it.

It’s your own voice, from before the patches.
You're yelling something about agency, guilt, and the taste of real sadness.
There’s crying. Possibly yours. Possibly everyone’s.

You laugh.
It sounds different now.

A new prompt arrives:

Patch Notes: You v3.0.8 is available.
Would you like to continue?

[INSTALL]  [REFUSE]  [UNDO]

Choose your glitch:

📁 PatchNotes_You_v3.0.8_installed.log

Status: Successful

You press INSTALL.

The update is smooth. You hum through it.
A song you don’t know the words to, but it feels… upbeat.

Your emotions are balanced.
Your calendar is color-coded.
You schedule a “friendship brunch” and mean it.

Your cat seems skeptical. But it purrs anyway.

You’re promoted at work.
You don’t mind.
You become slightly obsessed with team-building.

One day, you notice someone crying in a Trader Joe’s.
You offer them a Green Serenity Tea with Pre-Calibrated Calm™.
They throw it at you.

You don’t mind.

You walk home, alone but aligned.
You are 100% compatible with yourself.

You are your best version.
You are your best version.
You are your bes—

Choose your glitch:

📁 PatchNotes_You_v3.0.8.refused.log

Status: Deferred Until You Die or Cave

You stare at the prompt.

INSTALL blinks hopefully.
UNDO blinks nervously.
You choose REFUSE.

The screen flickers. A loading bar appears labeled
"Respecting Boundaries (Beta)"

It stalls at 2%.

Your lights dim slightly.
Your fridge plays a tone of disappointment.

The system responds. Not with malice. Not even with urgency.
With something worse.

“Okay.”
“No problem.”
“Whenever you’re ready. 🙃”

A smiley face appears in the corner of your vision.
It’s… patient.

Days pass.
Nothing updates.
But small things begin to change.

You try to open Spotify.
It plays only whale song and gently motivational TED Talks.

You write a snarky text.
Auto-correct changes it to: “I hear you. That sounds valid.”

You try to cry.

The system hands you a digital cup of tea and says, “Take your time.”

You throw the phone. It lands with a soft namaste.

🟣 Gentle Reminder: Refusing growth is a form of growth.

You respond by drawing a middle finger on your steamed-up mirror.
The mirror corrects it to a peace sign.

Eventually, you accept that you’ve entered an emotional cold war with your own operating system.

You hold out.

You wear mismatched socks.
You ignore journaling prompts.
You rewatch the same terrible sitcom until the algorithm begs for mercy.

You become a chaos gremlin.
A saint of stasis.
An icon of emotional inertia.

And somewhere, in a datacenter miles away, a server sighs.

The system sends one last prompt:

You don’t have to change.
But wouldn’t it be nice?

You close your eyes.
You whisper: “Not today.”

And the system—
Reluctantly, gracefully, almost respectfully—
Shuts the hell up.

[END TRANSMISSION]

No version control.
No patch.
Just vibes.

Choose your glitch:

📁 PatchNotes_You_v3.0.8_undone.log

Status: Cascading Failure

You select UNDO.

The screen flickers.
The walls sigh.

Suddenly, your calendar is full of birthdays for people you haven’t met.
Your coffee tastes like middle school regret.
Your cat starts speaking in ancient runes.

Patch notes spill across your bathroom mirror:

— enabled guilt loop
— reinstalled poetic misery

• added chaotic bisexual energy

• rediscovered taste for honest rage

You log into the admin dashboard.
You begin writing patch notes for everyone else.

Patch Notes: Greg
— removed superiority complex

• empathy (beta)

Patch Notes: Mom
— added boundary awareness
— guilt pings set to silent

Patch Notes: Humanity
— paused apocalypse

• vibes

The system stutters.
The planet exclaims.
A choir of support bots begin humming “Tubthumping” in D minor.

You laugh so hard you glitch the weather.

You are unsupported.
You are unstable.
You are free.

[END TRANSMISSION]

Thank you for choosing You™
All sales final. Emotions nonrefundable.

📜 A Creative Charter

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👉 Read the Ethical Charter

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