[difficult people] - 7. Shedding Light on Gaslighting: Recognition and Response
Dealing with Difficult People
##Conflict: Recognizing Gaslighting
I still haven't made the time to watch the 1944 movie Gaslight - where a lady's husband keeps changing the environment around her, but telling her that she is losing her mind. It's this story that where the term "gaslighting" originates.
One of the problems with gaslighting is detecting that it's happening. When someone is gaslighting you, you start to question your reality.
If you're going to recognise gaslighting in the workplace, you need to be able to identify the behaviours and tactics used to manipulate people. They are going to end up doubting their reality, their memory, or their perceptions.
Here are the clues (please don't use them to gaslight someone):
Denying your experience: someone who keeps denying events or conversations you know happened, this can make you question either your memory or your sanity.
Twisting information: the person may twist or reinterpret information, so you begin to doubt your understanding of events. They may even accuse you of misinterpreting a situation, undermining your confidence.
Shifting blame: when they have an opportunity to take responsibility for their actions, they may instead shift the blame to you, pinning it on your incompetence or misunderstanding.
Trivialising your feelings: a person may minimise your concerns or feelings, or even dismiss them. They could then compound this by accusing you of being overly sensitive or overly emotional, making you question your emotional response to a situation.
Using confusion as a tool: the person may provide you with contradictory information at different times, or just create situations that leave you confused or disoriented, reducing your trust in your own judgement.
Questioning your confidence: by regularly questioning your competence and your abilities, the suggestion arises that you're not good enough for your job, or you keep making mistakes.
Isolating you from colleagues: using lies, manipulation, making you feel unwelcome in group settings so that you're more easily manipulated.
Projection: the gaslighter may project their own faults onto you; for example, dishonesty.
Incremental changes: gaslighting may start subtly and then intensify over time. This gradual shift can make if difficult to recognise until you're deeply affected.
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If you think this is happening to you, you’ll need to trust your instincts and seek support. Keep notes on interactions, ask trusted colleagues for feedback, and think about consulting with a supervisor or with HR to help validate your experiences and decide how to address the situation.
Make sure you protect your mental health on the way through this.
Here are some indicators that can help you work out if you’re experiencing gaslighting:
Altering Your Perception of Events
Increased Self-doubt
Feeling Paranoid or Hypersensitive
Feeling Like You Can't Do Anything Right
Your Feelings Are Dismissed
Your Reality is Constantly Questioned
Confusion About Your Performance
Isolation from Colleagues
You're Always the One Apologizing
Reluctance to Share Your Perspective
If some of these sound familiar, it’s time to start taking notes on what’s happening, and sharing them with someone you trust.