The Five Best One-Scene Characters in The Princess Bride
They're as real as the feelings you feel...
I had the great pleasure this weekend to see The Princess Bride in theaters. (Thanks to The Movie Gang for making that happen!) This wasn’t the first time or even the first handful of times I’ve seen this movie on screen; I was lucky enough to have seen it in its first run at The Gramercy Theater before the Gramercy became a perplexing live venue. The Princess Bride has been part of my life for nearly literally as long as I can remember, and it has spawned a cult that has thrived on the internet and in certain nerd circles for as long as there has been an internet. It was a film did fine in theaters—terribly marketed, horrifically distributed, but incredible legs—but exploded on video, becoming the sort of multi-generational hit that every artist begs muses for.
With good cause, honestly. The Princess Bride is an impeccable film, a story that gains much both in translation from its source and in multiple viewings. (William Goldman knew what the heart of his story was, and also that books and movies are different things, something maybe James Ellroy could find out about.) What struck me this time, at least the two hundredth time I’ve seen this movie, is the incredible economy of the film. Rob Reiner was in the midst of the best run of any American director in the 80s, having just knocked out The Sure Thing and This is Spinal Tap and getting ready to make Misery and When Harry Met Sally…. Every piece works, even the fortuitous mistakes and intentional oddities. It’s what made the movie feel like a giant world to get lost in as a kid, and what makes it feel like a rocket-powered piece of entertainment as an adult. So many beautiful places, so many incredible sights, and within these so many incredible characters to meet.
And that’s what’s so stunning about this! Vizzini, the cause of so many people you know yelling “inconceivable!” for a cheap laugh, is dead by minute thirty-three. We barely ever return to the framing device of the grandfather. Many of the characters have one scene and disappear from the film, another pitstop on the adventures of Inigo, Fezzik, and The Dread Pirate Roberts. I’d like to highlight a few of these one-scene wonders and thank them for being so memorable in a film that ranks among a collective societal favorite. Starting with…
THIS GUY
“Ho there!” This character isn’t listed among the ending crawl, his actor uncredited. This is the unfortunate schmo who Yellin sends into the Thieves’ Forest to get rid of Inigo. “There’s a Spaniard giving us some trouble.” It takes him ninety seconds to get into a drunken sword fight with Inigo and then get absolutely bodied by Fezzik. He’s punched so hard that he disappears from the movie. Godspeed, This Guy of the King’s Guard.
The Mother
Credited simply as “The Mother”, I’d like to think of her as Mrs. Goldman as per the original novel. She was everyone’s mom in the Eighties, or at least all of our moms seemed to have that sweater. (Betsey Brantley would go on to be everyone’s mom in the Nineties, because Second Noah got at least that down.) She’s gone after the first ninety seconds, telling Fred Savage to turn off his Commodore64 and stop being such a pissant about his granddad being Peter Falk. But doesn’t it feel like there’s more of her? Perhaps it’s the way I watched the movie as a kid, but it’s always felt like the mother was meant to show up again. (Did you know that this same actress was Jessica’s model for Who Framed Roger Rabbit? The world of 80s movies is a strange one.)
The Impressive Clergyman
All right, let’s all say it together: “MAWWAIGE.” You have been to a wedding where this was part of the ceremony or the reception. If you are between the ages of, say, 45 and 25, you have been to multiple weddings where they included almost all of this scene. I once saw the groom deadpan the entire thing as a toast before the cake cutting and the OAPs in the room just thought it was sweet. No matter how you slice it, this is probably the most remembered part of the movie aside from Inigo’s introduction. Peter Cook could read the phone book and make it funny, which is why he’s the best part of some of the most dire movies of the 70s and 80s. Cook’s appearance here is the hilarious celebrity cameo that time has turned into the only thing anyone remembers him for, but if you have to have one thing… (For my money, his pronunciation of “Pwinchess Buttercwyupp” kills me every time.)
The Ancient Booer
I mean technically this character doesn’t even exist. The movie’s sneaky dream sequence brings us the most committed performance in a movie where everyone is trying their hardest. You won’t notice her prosthetic eyebrows the first time, you won’t look at the mole until you’re three years deep into memorizing every part of the film. But you’ll have her “BEWWWWWWWWWW!!!” in your head from jump street. As a voice of self-loathing she’s tops, as the perfect representation of the classic medieval witch you can’t ask for more.
Miracle Max
Only Billy Crystal could have played this part. His particular kind of ham needs to be constrained and given form so that it can be at its most amusing, and the Max makeup does exactly that. He also knows when it’s time to shut up and step back or when to toss the ball to his scene partner. In conversations about this movie I have often heard fans wonder what Robin Williams would have been like in this role. I just can’t see it. There’s a generousness in this performance that comes from stopping in his tracks. The digression about a Mutton, Lettuce, and Tomato sandwich could have gone on forever—it make have before a judicious edit—but in its final form it is used to enhance the emotional stakes of an impatient and terrified Inigo Montoya. This is incredible comedy that both serves the story and becomes a piece unto itself. But you can’t do that without backup…
Valerie
Well yeah. Carol Kane is the best thing about anything she’s in. You thought I was gonna say “Humperdink”? Let absolutely loose in a fantasy setting, you can see her pulling everything out of a comedy toolkit and going “how about this one? This work? We can trot out this old favorite!” She is delightfully unhinged in a more pointed way than the next year’s appearance in Scrooged, but just as iconic. Here’s hoping we get some of this energy when she joins Star Trek this year.
Given my relationship with this film, I’ll probably end up watching it another dozen times over the next few weeks. I hope this look back at the minor players in this major story has inspired something similar in you. Have fun storming the castle!