Five MST3K Episodes for Turkey Day
These movies are as elusive as Robert Denby!
It’s Thanksgiving in America, and along with the parade and the catatonia that comes with dinner, my favorite tradition is the Mystery Science Theater 3000 marathon. It’s the vanguard in modern movie mockery, with every YouTube Neil Breen Authority or Wanna-Svengoolie owing a little bit to Joel and the Bots. The Gizmoplex seasons featuring Emily and Jonah as the new hosts are brilliant in their own ways, but Turkey Day is never the same without the classics. In honor of the holiday, here are five of my favorite Joel and/or Mike episodes to watch once dessert is over.
The Unearthly
Sure, we all know that Manos: The Hands of Fate is one of the most incompetent and somehow compelling pieces of film ever screened on the Satellite of Love. But imagine if the shorts in front of the movie were even worse and the film had 200% more Tor Johnson? If you need spooky vibes, incomprehensible narratives, and two different 50s propaganda shorts about fitting in and shutting up, then this is your episode. Watch this one when it’s TIME FOR GO TO BED
Outlaw of Gor
For anyone who has found this article by searching for Gorean ideals: hi! Welcome! You will find no useful information here! But can we all agree that no matter your opinions on John Norman’s books that the movies stink on ice? A product of Harry Alan Towers, who made movies as crap as The Million Eyes of Sumuru and wonderful as Cry, The Beloved Country, Outlaw is the second Gor movie and slightly not as bad as the first one. Here you’ll have fantasy shot in inexpensive outdoor settings, poorly-dubbed European extras, and Jack Palance. Enjoy hearing the hero’s name yelled once every fourteen seconds. (“Cabot!” I got you that one for free!)
Time of the Apes
What if Planet of the Apes was made for Japanese television and an audience of ten-year-olds? If you said “idon’tcare” then hey you’ve already seen this movie! There’s no way to prepare you for Time of the Apes, but “this was shot for maybe 100 Yen and the ape makeup reflects that” is a good start.
Mitchell!
By any metric Mitchell is the best-ever episode of MST3K. It has everything: musical numbers, lore, downshifting in an automatic, John Saxon, drunk cops, funky bass lines, and a star that threatened physical violence against Joel and the Bots! It’s probably backwards logic that I use Joel’s final episode to introduce people to the show, but if you’re not on board the second Tom and Crow start clowning on a frozen Joe Don Baker (“he looks like the moon in A Trip to the Moon!”) then this might not be the show for you.
Riding with Death
I can’t lie; this one is my actual favorite. There is no greater hero dolt than Federal Agent Sam Casey, no worse sidekick than Buffalo Bob, no villain more elusive than Robert Denby. This movie was carved from—or maybe congealed from—two episodes of TV abomination Gemini Man, and oh boy does it feel like it. 1976’s deep hurting is our gain, because this near-future tale of an invisible man with a digital watch that makes him turn visible sometimes (or maybe it’s the other way around?) is the dream that the best MST3Ks are made on.