Dear Friend,

Hey there, how’s it going?

Back when I was a kid, still in Hong Kong and before emigrating to the US, my parents had this strict rule where my brother and I were not allowed to watch TV until homework was done. And as you may remember, there was such a small sliver of time when cartoons would actually air on TV, you know, the only thing kids wanted to watch. So everyday I’d try to beat the clock to complete the day’s homework. I never made it on most days — the amount of homework in Hong Kong was brutal, just one after another after another. Then one day I actually finished all my homework so I ran to my dad in the kitchen, excited to tell him that “Yes! I did it! I’ve finished all my homework — so I get to watch TV now!”

Without even looking at me he said, “Oh yeah? Then you can watch TV after you study today’s material.” I was baffled, the goal post was moved, but I was like, “Ok fine I’ll just re-read a chapter of [whichever book or subject] and then I’m going to watch TV for sure!” I rushed back to my desk to skim through the pages. The millisecond I finished the chapter (never mind how much I actually retained), I flew to the TV — the Smurfs was still on, just barely. My dad came out of the kitchen, snatched the remote from my hand, and began yelling at me. “But I did it!” I retorted wimpily, “I read through today’s chapter AND I finished all my homework!”

My dad then said this to me — new core memory created — “Then you should get ahead for tomorrow’s lesson by reading the next chapter” and promptly turned off the TV, this time taking the remote with him and went back to the kitchen. I was devastated, not only did the goal post move again but honestly, then what is the fucking point?

Act I. Burnout

Burnout is best understood as having the component of a lack of meaning — that you’re not only working incredibly hard, but it doesn’t seem to get you any closer to the imagined moment when you’re actually going to feel on top of everything and in control — like you can relax at last… The vibrancy that makes life worth living, I think that’s what is gone in burnout.” - Oliver Burkeman, Meditation for Mortals

It’s not hard to see from my past emails that like so many of us today, I am burned out and completely exhausted. In fact, the term “Burnout” has become so common and commoditized these days, merely something we say it so casually, so free of gravitas, and its rotor stripped from the siren, as if burnout is as casual as rain in Seattle with a whiff of “so what?”

I recently came across this interview between NYT’s Ezra Klein (swoon) and Olivia Burkeman (author of Four Thousand Weeks) and without exaggeration listening to it was like holding up a mirror — I was hearing my own thoughts as they said back to me… crystalized concepts in ways I’ve struggled to make sense for so long.

What I appreciated most in this interview was not only did they lay out what burnout is and why we may feel this way, but also that we’ve all been set up to fail since the first day of school because we’re taught to tie our self-worth to what we can produce (homework, presentations, obedience, etc). So when our finite time on earth is outmatched by this infinite, ever expanding to-do list — we can’t help but to feel bad about ourselves. Burnout isn’t just expected but down right inevitable.

What’s worse is not only that we cannot get everything done in the limited time that we have, but also that we’ve all been convinced (convinced!) of this big lie — that it is possible to optimize our every day life if only we just work hard enough, if only we use this magical productivity app, if only we learn to outsource labor or to overall manage our time better.

I think the main takeaway for me from this interview, besides feeling seen and confirming that I’m not nuts (at least not on this), is that as good as I may feel from completing a task, I should at least not feel so damn bad for the things I didn’t have time or energy to do — because there will always be one more tasks. If you’ve been feeling anxious with not getting enough stuff done, give this interview a listen. It is a gem and I’ve only scratched the surface here.

• Burned Out? Start Here. (Podcast, NYT Article)
• Meditation for Mortals (Bookshop.org)

Act II. Cope

“To live a fulfilled life, we need to keep creating the "what is next", of our lives. Without dreams and goals there is no living, only merely existing, and that is not why we are here.” - Mark Twain

As I mentioned last month, a big strategy for me this year to care for my mental health is just to disassociate and to stay away from the news. I was telling my counselor how 100% of my energy these days goes not toward striving of any kind, but to simply cope and exist. So whenever my manager gives me any more concrete advice (helpful, solicited, or otherwise), or whenever my parents have any sort of ridiculous IT issue, my reflex is to immediately crumble back into bed because I simply have no more energy or desires to do anything else.

She nodded and agreed that sometimes it’s fine to not do anything extra, and instead asked how my “disassociation” was going. I told her about my new daily habit of doing Sudoku (yet another old man trait, I’m fully aware). Instead of worrying about something completely out of my scope, I’d just focus on the nine digits… one square or line at a time. I like how despite its challenge, I know the puzzle is ultimately solvable (the 6 has to go somewhere). The puzzle can stay blank for the longest time, but there’s always this one point after I sorted out the maybes, a path would clear and I’d just be in a flow state for the rest of the puzzle. She said that’s actually very healthy, and that the world works much in the same way. “Just you see.”

* * *

I was in ESL class for the first two years in middle school. When I finally got out of ESL and placed in a “regular” liberal arts class in eight grade (a big accomplishment at the time), our class was reading The Witch of Blackbird Pond — a book I remembered reading and really liking. I didn’t really understand the story at the time, in part because I’d skim through the chapters on my way to school just to complete the daily reading assignment. I remembered liking more for fact that I finished a novel in English, in this “regular” class that I yearned to be in for so long.

Anyways, I recently re-read this book and could see why the thirteen year old me liked it so, even if I didn’t understand everything back then. The main character moved to America was trying to find her place there when everything was so foreign. Most things paled in comparison from back home in her eyes, but she was able to find goodness over time — something I could relate to as I was on my way toward English fluency and was starting to assimilate to life in the Bay Area. Also, at one point in the book there were like three cute boys trying to court her, so I’m sure there were some sort of pre-teen gay awakening subconsciously happening to me back then as well.

Come disassociate with me! I’ve been really enjoying the following content:

• Book: Witch of Blackbird Pond
• Podcast: Normal Gossip
• TV: Hot Spot (It’s like Seinfeld… with a twist)

Act III. Hope

Dreams of reality's peace
>
Blow steam in the face of the beast
>
Sky can fall down, the wind can cry now

> Strong in me, I still smile

I already knew Kendrick was going to be great heading into the Super Bowl Halftime show, but his performance did something unexpected — it gave me a sense of hope… a first in a very long time. There he was, running through various stages, (flawlessly) rapping through his vast catalogs, and I had to repeatedly remind myself to pick my jaw back up. The red, white, and blue dancers were symbolic, representing the unity of the American flag while simultaneously the reality of gang violence.

Consider where Kendrick came from, the tragedies he endured, the awards he won and all the records he’s broken, they all lead up to this historic moment as the first solo rap performer at the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Even in the darkest timeline things can still happen — It was a good reminder that we gotta have hope amidst the chaos because you just never know.

• Kendrick Lamar Sent A Coded Message To Black America During Super Bowl. And We Got It (The Root)
• Kendrick Lamar's Apple Music Super Bowl Halftime Show (YouTube)
• Kendrick Lamar’s Super Bowl LIX Halftime Show Set List (Apple Music)

With this context in mind, I shall leave you with this great line from AOC in a conversation with Jon Stewart in a recent episode of The Weekly Show. I don’t think she thought too much about what she was saying in the moment, but this line has stayed with me when I feel things are all but impossible:

“I will always, always, always believe that it was always worth trying. In fact, it's so important that we don't give up because people do not understand. Even if you don't see a way, because ways emerge, moments emerge. I was not supposed to get elected to Congress by any stretch of the imagination. I was insane. I was a waitress.” - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

And here's the rest of it…

Thanks for reading this and being with me on this journey. Let me know what’s going on in your world and be sure to **share something with me that’s been giving you life **(just hit reply or on Bluesky)! You can also check out past issues of Dear Friend, on my website. Here’s the rest of it:

• The photos I took this month
• What’s worth remembering in February 2025

• Interesting enough to share but not enough to write about:

  • How to Change Your Meta Settings | Make yourself less valuable to Meta
  • Why you feel stuck and how to get motivated - Shannon Odell
  • How work took over our lives (I really like this channel overall)
  • My nail-biting quest for confidence (“But do you really want to be that person?”)
  • I’m on Bluesky, follow me there!