Dear Reader,

Each week when I think about what I’d like to write, I ponder many different things. Perhaps something exciting happened that I might want to talk about. Or, maybe new things are on the horizon that I’d like to share. At times, it might be sad or difficult things that came up throughout the week. Maybe a topic flies into my head right away, or perhaps I have to think really hard and I might even change my mind several times about what I deem to be relevant enough to put on the page. However I get there each week, unless I’m physically unable to write for some reason, you will find my newsletter in your inbox each Monday without fail. And, this newsletter will always be free for subscribers. Even though I don’t get a lot of comments here and we don’t interact much, I’ve found this space to be infinitely comforting and supportive. So, thanks to those of you who are here, because I know that subscribing to a newsletter is a much bigger commitment than scrolling through instagram and following someone. You’ve all made the choice to be here, so I will do my best to make it worth your time.

As I was reading this week, I came across a quote from the Buddhist teacher Ajahn Chah who once said of a lovely cup.

To me this cup is already broken. Because I know its fate, I can enjoy it fully here and now. And when it’s gone, it’s gone.

This quote refers to being aware of the impermanence of things. Everything in life we will one day do for the last time. And, everyone we know in life, we will also see for the last time. I was reminded of Do You Realize by The Flaming Lips. Such a hauntingly beautiful song with lyrics that just stop you in your tracks because of how true they are.

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last. . .

While this is a sad thought, it also teaches us to remember and truly savor each of these joys, no matter how simple, since we'll never know when it is the last. It may sound harsh, but by remembering that what we love is, like all else, temporary we both strengthen our bonds of appreciation and brace ourselves for inevitable separation. In doing so, we remind ourselves that we cannot control the loss of things or the people we hold dear, only ourselves. With that in mind we can love with full sincerity and with the correct expectations. There is no such thing as perfection or eternity. To fully embrace this would be so freeing, but oh how difficult it is to find a way to come to this realization. And, while it’s sad, it’s also beautiful. Everything in life is precious.

I grew up watching my parents be stuck in the past. Due to a situation beyond their control in their present, they were forever trapped, remembering the way their life used to be. So, they spent their days mindlessly living, not creating a life for themselves in their present, and forever lamenting the past that never would be again. Watching this as a kid, I knew, even when I was very young, that they were both unhappy and that I would never allow myself to get stuck in the past. I made a promise to myself that I would always move forward. I was never one to think about what could have or should have been or what once was. But, I often found myself so focused on the future, that I forgot how to live in the present. I worked too much, I studied too much, and I was so driven that I never really even allowed myself to be a kid. As I got older, I added moving around a lot to the mix. I always felt like I wanted to be somewhere else, and I would get bored so easily. I was never able to fully appreciate where I was, because I always felt that I wanted to be somewhere else. This behavior went on in one way or another throughout my twenties and most of my thirties.

We all get stuck in our routines in life. Whether it’s a rigid schedule that we can’t break free of, bad habits, or unhealthy behaviors. It’s hard to release these impediments in our lives that don’t allow us to get out of our own way. In trying so hard to be free of the past, I had found a new way to not fully live my life the present. I was just a different version of my parents. It took a major life-changing event to help me break free of this cycle. After never thinking that I wanted to have any children, I found out that I was pregnant. As soon as I became a mother, without even realizing what was happening, I was forced to live in the present moment. Everything was just day by day, and I immersed myself in this new role. For the first time in my life, even though I was sleep deprived and a nervous wreck about sustaining the life of a little baby on a daily basis, I finally allowed myself to just be. Nursing a baby to sleep and relaxing with them as you look down at their beautiful, face is better than any form of meditation I’ve ever done. I’m not saying that my mind wasn’t racing with the million things I should have been doing. But I would just sit there for hours and do nothing but relax. My books and yarn were often by my side just in case. But more often than not, I wouldn’t need them. Something about that feeling that there’s nowhere else you’d rather be, and you literally couldn’t be anywhere else even if you wanted to was magical.

This feeling stayed with me throughout my kids’ lives. They both taught me how to be fully present not just in their lives, but in my own. I’m not saying that my anxiety doesn’t still get the better of me when I have thoughts of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Combine an anxious brain with a a writer’s knack for storytelling, and you have yourself a deadly duo. Even though time does move very quickly, or so it seems, I really don’t long for the past. I savor the moments of each day, even the rough ones. Hopefully, I learn lessons from the choices I’ve made that didn’t work out so well, since mistakes are our greatest teachers. But overall, I don’t long for the past. I was talking with a friend a couple of weeks ago, and she told me how upset she was about her kids getting older. She’s convinced herself that when her kids move away from home they’ll never visit her. This woman is a wonderful mom with amazing kids who just so happen to be bffs with my kids. I assured her that she has a good relationship with her kids and that they will most definitely always be in her life. While I am a very sentimental person, I have to say that I’ve never really felt that way. If I spent my time being sad about the fact that my kids aren't little anymore, I’d be missing what’s happening right now. I don’t want to be chasing toddlers all over creation with my ninja-like skills that helped prevent them from falling or putting god knows what into their mouths. I want to have meaningful conversations with my teenagers (yes, I know one of you is an adult) who have so many good things to say. I know that these teenagers will go on to do great things in life. And, they will always visit.

While I’m doing a lot better about living in the present. Letting go is still a struggle for me. I definitely carry the weight of those I’ve lost who were dear to me. But, I have noticed that the older that I get, the more I appreciate the fact that I was lucky enough to have such amazing people in my life who made me the person I am today.

May you find your own way to live in the present with gratitude for all that this beautiful life has to offer.

I truly appreciate all of you who choose to be here and read my newsletter.

xo,

Christa

Last week at a glance

• I made twenty one pairs of hand painted fabric earrings. Some of them will be going to River Pearl Studio in the next couple of weeks and the rest of them will be heading to the studio. I’ll be sharing pictures on instagram this week.

• I decided to paint black flowers on some white fabric. Then, I made a dress.

• I broke a needle on my sewing machine. Not exactly a big deal, but I’m all out of needles.

• I finished watching How to get to Heaven from Belfast. It ended in such a way that would lend itself to a second season. I hope that’s going to happen.

• I finished Bread of Angels.

• My hoopla album for this week was The Queen is Dead. I don’t like Morissey, but I do love the Smiths.

• I went to First Friday at Urban Arts House. I met some lovely people and had great conversations.

• I painted some of my paper clay pieces.

• I walked downtown to a new coffee shop with my kids. Well, new to us.

• I renewed our community garden plot. It’s time to start planning.

• We watched It for our family movie this week. I remember watching the original with my college roommate and bff and it scared the crap out of us. We’re both very scared of clowns.

• I started adding light weights to my daily yoga practice a couple of days a week. I really don’t like to just lift weights, so this has been great.

  Links

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  Website: https://www.wildchildfibers.com

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