whygodwhy #14: what's good & what isn't good
Friends, hello.
I set such a low bar for myself: one email newsletter per year! Enough! And this email was still so difficult to write. But what else is there to talk about.
It's been a difficult week, inside a very difficult year, but one of the weirdest things I've seen in the past few days is social media posts by women thanking the good men in their life. This week! Even after everything! Men still appreciated. For what? For being good men.
Listen: there's no good men. There's no good men. There's no good men.
But I'm good, right? No. Listen: there's no good men. I get a lot of credit for being good because I'm not as visibly terrible as other men, but I promise you there are women in my life who have had less-than-good experiences with me. I remember three specific times, once in high school and twice in college, touching women I had no business touching. I've stood by while friends commented on the bodies of nearby women, sometimes to their faces, and I said nothing, or laughed. I remember an experience with one of my first girlfriends, a few months into our relationship, realizing after we had sex that although she hadn't said no, her body language had very much been: this isn't what I want. And that's just the stuff I remember. I'm terrified of what I've forgotten, or even worse what I've never even realized.
A lot of this was 20, 30 years ago, but so what? It was still me. If men can learn something, anything from this week, the very least we can do is say: Yes, that happened. Even if it was a long time ago. Believe women, we say. But that's not enough. Men need to own their part in the reasons why we need to believe women, in order for there to be space for that belief to come forward into.
OK. That's all I wanted to say. And thank you to Rosalie for helping me realize I need to say it. The rest of this email was written weeks ago, it's about writing and other stuff in my life. It's not important.
--
It's been a difficult week, inside a very difficult year, but one of the weirdest things I've seen in the past few days is social media posts by women thanking the good men in their life. This week! Even after everything! Men still appreciated. For what? For being good men.
Listen: there's no good men. There's no good men. There's no good men.
But I'm good, right? No. Listen: there's no good men. I get a lot of credit for being good because I'm not as visibly terrible as other men, but I promise you there are women in my life who have had less-than-good experiences with me. I remember three specific times, once in high school and twice in college, touching women I had no business touching. I've stood by while friends commented on the bodies of nearby women, sometimes to their faces, and I said nothing, or laughed. I remember an experience with one of my first girlfriends, a few months into our relationship, realizing after we had sex that although she hadn't said no, her body language had very much been: this isn't what I want. And that's just the stuff I remember. I'm terrified of what I've forgotten, or even worse what I've never even realized.
A lot of this was 20, 30 years ago, but so what? It was still me. If men can learn something, anything from this week, the very least we can do is say: Yes, that happened. Even if it was a long time ago. Believe women, we say. But that's not enough. Men need to own their part in the reasons why we need to believe women, in order for there to be space for that belief to come forward into.
OK. That's all I wanted to say. And thank you to Rosalie for helping me realize I need to say it. The rest of this email was written weeks ago, it's about writing and other stuff in my life. It's not important.
--
Here's some things:
1) I finished a book.
A year ago I wrote you saying I'm writing a new book, and it's called No More Selfies. This year I'm saying: it's done.
What's it's about? A terrible man becomes president and things get really bad. (Right?) He starts locking up the celebrities who speak out against him. Kim Kardashian and her friends need to organize and come up with a plan before the President succeeds in silencing not just her, but all women. It's sort of The Simple Life meets The Blacklist.
Is it good? Parts of it are amazing. There's a writing adage that you have to write the book you want to read, the book that you most want to see in the world. That if the idea of the book doesn't consume you, it's not worth your time. I love that notion, but it's a recipe for never finishing anything. Personally, sometimes I just need to show up every day and push myself, and this book was a lot of pushing myself. It's more political than a lot of stuff I've written, and written during the most politically dark time in a couple generations, so. That's like that. I'm glad I wrote it and I'm glad it's done.
What's it's about? A terrible man becomes president and things get really bad. (Right?) He starts locking up the celebrities who speak out against him. Kim Kardashian and her friends need to organize and come up with a plan before the President succeeds in silencing not just her, but all women. It's sort of The Simple Life meets The Blacklist.
Is it good? Parts of it are amazing. There's a writing adage that you have to write the book you want to read, the book that you most want to see in the world. That if the idea of the book doesn't consume you, it's not worth your time. I love that notion, but it's a recipe for never finishing anything. Personally, sometimes I just need to show up every day and push myself, and this book was a lot of pushing myself. It's more political than a lot of stuff I've written, and written during the most politically dark time in a couple generations, so. That's like that. I'm glad I wrote it and I'm glad it's done.
2) I started a new book.
It's really fun, it consumes me, it's the book I want to read, the book I most want to see in the world, so there. It's called Cutie Cutie Ghost Show. It's about teen super-celebrities, the brinksmanship of social media fame, corporate data harvesting, and a reality show set in the afterlife.
How is it? A few months ago I told some publishing industry friends my ideas for this book and they said: Do not write this. This is unsaleable. Which was the most perfect thing they could have said because if there’s one thing I love to do it’s sabotage myself.
So here I am, writing this thing that I love knowing it has a very unlikely future. The thing about me is I never have any idea what I’m doing, but I’m always sure that that’s exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.
How is it? A few months ago I told some publishing industry friends my ideas for this book and they said: Do not write this. This is unsaleable. Which was the most perfect thing they could have said because if there’s one thing I love to do it’s sabotage myself.
So here I am, writing this thing that I love knowing it has a very unlikely future. The thing about me is I never have any idea what I’m doing, but I’m always sure that that’s exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.
3) I'm going to be in NYC
the weekend of October 27-28. I'll be speaking at Wattcon2018, on a panel about fanfiction, with literal scholars in the field (Flourish Klink, Heidi Tandy, Erin Gross). I'm essentially bringing the napkins to this party. Also that weekend there will be something called kfancon, which is a popup convention run by me. Is it happening? Yes. Do I have more details? No. But it's definitely happening!
4) Here's some places
we regularly donate to in my house, which I mention just to put it out into the universe: wherever Votes for Women tells us to, anywhere SwingLeft says a few dollars might help turn a seat, Margaret Fuller House, and Planned Parenthood, every month.
OK. Thank you for reading.
xokf
twitter | Instagram | wattpad | www
OK. Thank you for reading.
xokf
twitter | Instagram | wattpad | www
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