Cycles of Burnout and Puttering - Why Am I Making This? Issue #21
Hey everybody! It’s Julien! Your Artist Friend. In case you don’t remember, my last newsletter had a little bit of a cliffhanger in it. I was about to embark on a project to make and finish (!) a tiny game for a game jam, and I said that I’d let you know how it went in this month’s newsletter. I will reveal to you that - I did it! I made a 5-ish minute, rough-but-complete game in two weeks. Not a bad accomplishment, on the face of things. But as you have probably figured out from the subject line of this email, I kind of burned myself out finishing it.
Here’s a few screenshots of the game (I think it came out fairly pretty):
It was a good experience, finishing a tiny project like this. But it was unexpectedly emotionally strenuous. Not exactly sure how to feel about that - I’m sure I’ll work through it as I get back into my other game projects, in time. But for now, I’ve been adrift, puttering, the surprising fallout of finishing something and not being sure how to feel about the fact that I did it. I actually haven’t posted about finishing the game anywhere publicly, except now, I guess, here. I just felt too overwhelmed and confused.
But my malaise and confusion has had some surprising positive effects. I started painting again (for the first time in a year!) - Some gifts just for fun, a self portrait, some miscellaneous illustrations:
I’ve kept doing pottery, learning more every time I get back new pieces about clay, glazes, what I like and what I don't.
I'm excited to be branching out into new clays - the first bunch of photos here use the black clay I've been experimenting with, and the plates at the end - some of my favorite things I've made - use a new-to-me red clay, which might be my new favorite.
And I’ve finally picked up a camera for something other than pottery documentation for the first time since December. I have some film at the lab as I write this, and I scanned some Polaroids that have been waiting patiently for months.
This all makes me sound terribly productive. It doesn’t feel that way - and I don’t say that to drag myself - it’s just that I’m not doing any these things with the aim of... achieving anything. It all just feels like me trying to expel excess emotion from my body. (Not just about the game, but about a lot of life. Work, world events, the evolving role of the pandemic in my life, nostalgia and the weight of memories...) This is fine, of course. But I don’t really feel inspired, just like I need to clear some kind of blockage.
I posted about these general lackluster feelings on Instagram a few weeks ago, and a local painter I admire commented: “when the wind doesn’t blow, row row row”. I’ve been carrying that with me.
Until next month,
Julien