We Don’t Know Ball’s Actually Unhinged 2025-26 NBA Season Predictions (Part 1)
Every year, people try to guess what will happen in the NBA. Every year, people are wrong. We are those people.
We believe that most articles of “bold” NBA season predictions are not bold enough. Every season, a few things happen that transcend belief, and we want to try to get in early on forecasting those things. (The Charlotte Hornets taking a PlayStation 5 away from a child, for example.) Our goal is to predict things that grow from only a tiny seed of plausibility, but are not mean-spirited or harmful. We aim for whimsy and weirdness. Also, not all these predictions need to be logically consistent with each other.
We’ll start by examining our league-wide predictions and our eastern conference predictions.
General
The NBA adds two expansion teams in the East and moves the Bucks to the West.
Joe Lacob fires Steve Kerr to make Natalie Nakase the head coach of the Warriors and Erik Spoelstra resigns from the Heat instead of re-signing, leaving Billy Donovan the most tenured head coach in the NBA.
A team mascot is suspended for suspicious behavior related to halftime show prop bets.
At least four playoff teams fire their coach in the two weeks before the playoffs, including the Magic, the Mavericks, and the Grizzlies (again).
Eastern Conference
Teams are ordered from worst 2024-25 regular season record to best regular season record.
Washington Wizards
The Wizards hire John Wall as a “Basketball Consultant” and his savvy advice at the deadline propels them to a playoff spot.
The Wizards are forced to release a public apology after their French Heritage Night celebration goes off the rails.
Charlotte Hornets
LaMelo Ball starts watching hype reels of himself on TikTok on the sideline during games and the confidence boost powers him and the Hornets to a top-4 seed in the east.
The NBA doesn’t televise any Hornets games this year and nobody notices.
Philadelphia 76ers
Freed from the distraction of his podcast, Paul George wins MVP.
The Sixers players have exceptional health all year, with no player missing more than 10 games. Coach Nick Nurse, however, absorbs all the injury un-luck and breaks his wrist, tears his ACL, and has a foot injury over the course of the season.
Brooklyn Nets
The tariffs imposed by the Trump administration cause Joe and Clara Tsai’s net worth to free-fall. As a result, Brooklyn lays off 25% of all basketball personnel, including some of their half-dozen 2025 draft selections.
The Nets trade for D’Angelo Russell for a third time at the trade deadline.
Michael Porter Jr. releases his own brand of homemade testosterone pills.
Toronto Raptors
Inspired by the Maple Leafs’ slogan (“No Grit. No Grind. No Greatness.”), the Raptors adopt a new, even worse slogan: Be EnRAPTORed.
Throughout the season, an anonymous Reddit account called maple_leaf_7 leaks explosive and otherwise uncorroborated revelations about the Raptors front office. During the All-Star break, the source is revealed to be former Raptors top executive Masai Ujiri.
Miami Heat
Bam Adebayo misses most of the regular season with injuries but the Heat go on a miracle run to get the #1 seed in the east, netting Spo his first coach of the year award. The Heat lose to the #9 regular season team in the first round.
Tom finally remembers who Pelle Larson is.
Pat Riley leads a league-wide push to get coaches to return to wearing tailored Italian suits while coaching.
Chicago Bulls
Chicago has a surprisingly good first half of the season, leading them to mortgage their future at the trade deadline and trade 4 first round picks and 3 pick swaps for Jaren Jackson Jr. They lose in the first round of the playoffs.
Atlanta Hawks
The dynamic duo of Dyson Daniels and Kristaps Porzingis leads the Hawks to the East's best record; Trae is so mad about being considered the third wheel that he demands a trade.
Carmelo Anthony signs a 1-day contract to retire as a Hawk, invalidating his induction into the Basketball Hall of Fame.
Beset by anemic play at midseason, the Hawks execute a coaching trade of Quin Snyder for Ime Udoka, who is available after losing a power struggle with Kevin Durant.
Orlando Magic
Desmond Bane is the answer. The Magic have the best regular season record and win the NBA championship over the Thunder in 5 games.
Due to a marketing deal with Disney, the Magic’s championship rings include a Mickey Mouse motif and they are thus literally Mickey Mouse rings.
Detroit Pistons
The Pistons regress and go exactly 14–68 again.
Tobias Harris leaves Nike and gets a signature shoe with Rigorer called the “Toby Eights”
Ausar Thompson and Amen Thompson win co-DPOY.
Milwaukee Bucks
The Bucks fire Doc Rivers early in the season and then fire Darvin Ham, his replacement, before the end of the season.
Giannis never requests a trade but is surprise traded to the Clippers for Kawhi Leonard and picks.
Mr. Beast wears a Kyle Kuzma jersey in a video and causes Kyle Kuzma’s jersey to become the best-selling jersey of the 2026 season.
Indiana Pacers
The Pacers never win a game by more than 5 points all season, but still reach the Eastern Conference Finals.
Myles Turner is unable to move his Lego collection from Indiana to Milwaukee and is forced to slowly auction off his Lego builds over the course of the season. This inspires the plot of The Lego Movie 3.
Tyrese Haliburton takes to wearing increasingly outlandish outfits while sitting on the Pacers bench all season, going so far as to get a referral to Cam Newton’s milliner.
New York Knicks
KAT starts wearing Eagles gear to every game just to prove he didn’t change at halftime last year because fans were booing.
Due to a plumbing issue at Madison Square Garden, the Knicks are forced to play in Staten Island for the remainder of the year.
James Dolan’s band performs at a Knicks halftime show. During the playoffs.
Boston Celtics
The new owner renames the team to the “Boston C’s” to save on merchandise production costs.
Jayson Tatum claims he was visited by Kobe’s ghost and demands a trade to the Lakers.
Cleveland Cavaliers
Kenny Atkinson is fired midseason after a lopsided loss to the Charlotte Hornets. Not being allowed on the team plane back to Cleveland, Atkinson stays in Charlotte and fulfills his destiny of becoming the head coach of the Hornets. (Apologies to Charles Lee.)
The Cavs, motivated by their early playoff exit last season, post a 70-12 regular season record but still don’t make the eastern conference finals.
That’s it for our eastern conference predictions! Western conference predictions coming tomorrow.