Hitting The Links: 10/20/24
This one’s got book-culling anxiety, workout validation at my oncology check-in, Al Roker’s cookbook, a ton of great links, hot yoga, what lies beneath (my beard), & more
The Virtual Memories Show News
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What Lies Beneath
I didn’t have the easiest of weeks. I’m trying to downshift from the past 8 weeks of work, work-travel, and other stresses, but between catching up on work that I missed, an ongoing cold/sinus infection, jet lag, and last Thursday’s check-in with the oncology clinic, it’s been rough.
Plus side: the oncology visit went well! My white blood cell count is actually down, after trending up the previous 4 check-ins, so no need to consider treatment options yet, come back in 4 months. (The trigger is if my WBC count doubles in the span of 6 months, at which point the CLL is out of control and I would need to start treatment.)
Down side: the anxiety in the lead-up to that check-in, in combination with how fried I am otherwise, was . . . considerable. A few times these past 3 years, I’ve been in a decent frame of mind leading up to the check-in, but sometimes I revert to a sorta state of quantum uncertainty; I both have and don’t have advanced CLL, and until we run the blood test, my condition is not determined. It’s not a luck or “don’t jinx it” thing, but more of a preparing myself for either possibility by fully accepting that both of them are true.
I know my state is already fixed — the WBC count is just an indicator what’s been going on in my bone marrow and lymphocytes — but sometimes I get into this fragged-out state where I’m preparing for both states, and unable to really plan or prepare for other routine stuff that would come after.
In my head, I know it will likely take many years until I need treatment, but a piece of me prepares to be the outlier, and I get trapped in this phase. And, like I said, combined with travel, work-stress, lack of sleep, etc., it all became a mess. I was a mess. (The night before, I posted a thread about it on Bluesky.)
I mean, so bad that I started cleaning my office & library at 6:30 on Monday morning. Sure, it was way overdue, but I got to sweeping, moving furniture so I could get at those areas, and then — hey! — why not look at reconfiguring the space, moving the art table over here, or shifting that book-stand over there. (Everything wound up just where it started out.)
This was compounded by the news that our local library was taking in books for the annual book sale. I spent hours over the next 3 days ruthlessly culling hundreds of books from my library (not any of yours!), being honest with present-Gil about what I’ll never read or reread, or could get by with buying a new copy of if necessary. (Pace Benjamin Dreyer, I couldn’t possibly donate any books that guests had signed/inscribed to me.)
I cleared out a lot (not that you’d notice at first glance, but trust me), bringing the last car-load down Wednesday before lunch. I told the library staff, “I don’t know how graphic novel-literate you guys are, so please keep in mind that a lot of those are going to be for adult readers, not kids.” They nodded appreciatively. Then I rearranged my shelves at home a little, filling in all the missing teeth.
And then Thursday rolled around, the day of my check-in. Benny woke us a few times in the night trying to cough something up, which left me so tired I bordered on nausea. I drove to my 9am appt., recorded a little cliffhanger video in the parking lot for my Instagram Stories, had a little blood drawn from my fingertip in the lab for a CBC test, waited in the exam room for a nurse practitioner and her shadow, tied up my hair, and listened to the couple in the next room talk about a trip to Italy and thought that maybe whatever they were here for wasn’t that serious, just like my condition. I worry about everyone else I see in the clinic, and assume they have worse situations than I do.
Then I learned that my WBC had dropped from 38,000 to 33,200 and thought, “okay.” I was too tired to feel relief or anything else (except for a funny moment that I relate at the end of this newsletter). I asked if we were sticking with a 4-month interval or if they wanted to move back to 6. They said 4, so next February it is.
They sent me back over to the lab to get more blood drawn for other tests. The overworked lab tech tied me off & got a needle in me in a second or two, hands moving without hesitation. I’d never had such a workmanlike draw, and was fascinated by her technique.
I texted a few family members to let them know the results. (No, I hadn’t told any of them in advance of the check-in, except Amy; no point in worrying them.) (Yes, I told several members of my board of trustees in advance, but there’s a fiduciary duty involved.)
I left the clinic, recorded a followup video for IG to let my adoring public know I’m fine, headed out to a coffeeshop, a supermarket, home, back to the work day.
And Friday I shaved off my beard.
I started growing it in December 2019, and I wanted to see what my face looks like now, what lies beneath. Those ~5 years have seen a lot, including All This Hair. I’ll keep it like this for a bit, maybe grow it back for winter. I had been wondering if the long hair sans beard would make me look femme, but Amy assures me I just look like a middle-aged man failing to look younger than he is.
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And now, let’s hit the links!
Links & Such
Recent Virtual Memories Show podcasts: Sven Birkerts • Christopher Brown • Dmitry Samarov • Stephen B. Shepard • Benjamin Dreyer • Nicholas Delbanco • Dash Shaw
RIP Mitzi Gaynor . . . RIP Liam Payne . . . RIP Megan Marshack . . . RIP Chip Mellor . . . RIP Lillian Schwartz . . . RIP Philip Zimbardo . . .
Speaking of great obits.
Official Virtual Memories photographer & loving wife Amy Roth put up a fantastic page about shooting the pictures for Al Roker’s Recipes To Live By, which is out now! (Yes, she got to meet Al for the lifestyle photo shoot) (You should sign up for her newsletter)
All photos by Amy Roth! Speaking of public faces, I’ll be interviewing Ken Krimstein at Labyrinth Books in Princeton on Nov. 14 (6:00 pm) for his new book, Einstein in Kafkaland! (Provided I make it back to NJ from a client event that morning in Lexington, KY, where I’ll be speaking on the BIOSECURE Act and US-China biopharma decoupling. The logistics will be a challenge — car from Lexington to Cincinnati, flight to Newark, drive to Princeton — but the last 8 weeks have taught me that IT WILL ALL WORK OUT IF I JUST WORRY ENOUGH)
Robert Pranzatelli wrote a lovely centenary appreciation of Truman Capote.
I’m not getting old, YOU’RE getting old.
Oliver Rothman writes about when/whether it’s okay to Just Give Up.
Speaking of “Never give up, never surrender,” my only Amazon Prime Day purchase was a Blu-Ray of Galaxy Quest, a.k.a. the greatest Star Trek movie.
Kmart didn’t give up so much as get financial-engineered to death, and now the last outpost is gone.
When I was a little kid, I cried in the Kmart in Wayne, NJ because I didn’t have enough money to buy the Micronaut I wanted. I have many childhood memories that are even more embarrassing and fill me with greater shame and I relive them every day.
Good piece by W. David Marx about the challenges of discussing cultural stasis. (+ a teaser about his 2025 book!)
If you’re in the market for hot pink used Ferrari, THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.
Current/Recent Reading
Born With A Tail: The Devilish Life and Wicked Times of Anton Szandor Lavey, Founder of the Church of Satan - Doug Brod
Amalgam: An Immigrant, His Labor Union, and His American Family in Brooklyn - Frances Jetter
Naked City - Eric Drooker
Sound Body, Fractured Mind
ONCOLOGY NURSE PRACTITIONER: Please lie back and pull up your shirt, so I can examine your spleen.
GIL: Sure.
ONP: . . . Do you . . . work out?
GIL: . . . a lot.
That was the 2nd best moment of the check-in, after getting the news about my WBC count. I’m still trying to get back into a workout rhythm, post-travel. Managed weights-yoga-weights Mon-Wed., then yoga on Saturday. Doubt I’ll get to weights today, as I’m heading into NYC for a couple of podcasts and maybe dropping in on some past guests for Instax pix. Here’s a yoga-moment from Tuesday, when I still had that beard.
Until Next Time
Thanks for reading this far! I’ll be back on Wednesday with a new episode, maybe some art, and some Instax pix, and on Sunday with links, books, & workout craziness, & maybe a little profundity or something.
The open palm of desire / Wants everything / Wants everything / Wants everything,