The State of Despair
I am sorry, I am so so sorry....
"And out of this worldwide festival of death, this ugly rutting fever that inflames the rainy evening sky all around—will love someday rise up out of this, too?" Thomas Mann
I am a bit shell-shocked. Okay, that’s a lie. I am completely shell-shocked. In many ways it feels like it’s only a bad dream, it simply cannot be true and happening. Not in the 21st century. Not in 2024. Yet, here we are…
A few years ago I stayed up until about 2am while on vacation as I kept checking results of the vote on Brexit. A decision impacting a foreign country half way across the world. Last night I thought I’d be up until 4am or something like this, waiting for just one more update, one more drop of votes in some unknown to me county that could change the outcome of the entire election. Instead, I went to bed around 10pm, deflated, depleted, depressed, despairing, debilitated, devitalized, disheartened, dismayed, demoralized, daunted…
Yesterday’s Election Day was Judgement Day for America. A majority embraced a racist and misogynistic criminal who tried to overthrow American democracy and who objectively is a "fascist" with openly Nazi rhetoric.
It can happen here.
It actually has.
I cannot process the multi-faceted reality of what Trump’s victory means for America, the world and most importantly, for my family just yet. It is hard to even fathom right now what any of these means. It is hard to even think or find a way to distract myself and I have been trying to do just that all morning.
What makes it so much worse is that at some point yesterday the hope and joy seemingly were on the path to victory. The reported record-voting in Philadelphia which would lead to largest margins since LBJ; Pelosi’s assurances that Dems have the votes to flip the House; the seemingly unbelievable leads in suburban Indiana; Donald Trump and Stephen Miller publically panicking… somehow in a matter of just a couple of hours it all changed, the pendulum swung hard toward the complete darkness. I mean the rapid swing was akin to the 5th inning of the World Series clinching game when the Bronx Bombers entered the inning up 5-0 with a no-hitter intact and were rudely brought back to reality by a slew of unforced errors which led to 5 unearned runs and a tied game, leading to the Dodgers sipping the bubbly by the end of the night.
The infamous Blue Wall that was the key last night, crumbled faster than a New England Patriots’ offensive line. At first glance, it defies understanding. North Carolina went blue across the board except for President: Governor, Lt. Governor, School Superintendent, AG, etc.
And Trump.
What the actual fuck?
I keep scrolling through Twitter, Insta, Bluesky in some vague hopes that I may have missed something, that there might be a silver lining somewhere. I know I should log off and stop doom scrolling but I literally can’t do that.
I literally cannot stop from reading and consuming more information that does nothing but rub salt into the fresh wounds. I have to be honest I feel utterly dead inside.
Christ Almighty! I can’t even find a distraction right now.
Writing this essay is my distraction.
In the end, I really hope that our country, our entire world comes out of this era in one piece and we learn from and study how this all happened and next time really make sure that it NEVER AGAIN happens to our children and descendants. I am nowhere near as tough of a person as many of you are, this is hitting all of us hard, very hard and I admire so many of you who have given it your all to stand up for what you believe and know is right, against so much hate and so many lies and still can hold your head high today and at least try to be functional adults.
It is very telling that in my entire neighborhood every single Harris and/or Dem lawn sign has been taken off. Every. Single. One. Overnight, it’s like the entire town is a hotbed of MAGA with only Trump/Vance signs and flags.
We removed ours around 8pm last night, primarily in fear of a backlash from Trumpers when Kamala wins.
So much for that plan!
It is prudent to note how ridiculously grotesque is the fact that opposition supporters are removing their lawn sign in fear of retribution from the winners of the election, while the winning candidate gets to go scott free from two federal criminal cases!! The man who attempted a violent coup against the United States will never be held accountable; the person who stole boxloads of top-level secret documents and likely shared it for profit will not stand on trial for the crimes committed. Jack Smith is already working on plans to stop both cases. It’s devastating. It’s dispiriting. It’s disheartening. It’s completely and utterly fucked up.
Yes, it only adds to what’s already been accumulated. It has been incredibly draining ever since Trump came down the golden escalator in 2015, almost a decade (!!!) ago. To have this happen last night, it’s just…. still impossible to believe, much less process. Like how on earth my own generation, the cynical and pragmatic Gen Xers voted for fascism:
The only age group to do so!!!
I am so sorry. I am so deeply fucking sorry.
I thought better of us. Us as a generation. Us as a nation healing and standing up against fascism.
That’s another lie. I didn’t, really think better of us. People are cruel, racist, hateful, callous, bigoted, sexist, and mean. The fact that America voted for an adjudicated rapist and convicted felon who explicitly says he wants to be a dictator confirms this.
Make no mistake.
Last night the HATRED WON.
It's not just that Trump won. It's that Joe Rogan, Dana White and Brett Favre won. It’s that January 6th insurrectionists won. Stephen Miller and Steve Bannon won. Elon Musk and Peter Thiel won. Racism won. Misogyny won. Sexism won. Global warming won. Xenophobia won.
Most of all: Fear and hate won.
That's what really hurts.
This is worse than 2016. This time we, Americans, knew exactly what we were voting for, or what we couldn’t be bothered to stand against.
I think this bothers me most. No one can say they don’t know who he is, how he works, or what he’s capable of. Last time he was elected, I consoled myself with the idea that people did not know better, that we need to educate and inform them. Almost a decade later, not only have we not learned, we seemingly doubled-down on truth no longer being truth, alternative facts being the new norm.
This time, with Trump winning more votes than 2016 in nearly every conceivable way, it’s nothing more than a failure to educate people while preventing propaganda spread.
We know beyond a reasonable doubt that Trump is a rapist, that he is a convicted criminal, that he is openly racist and fascist, that he mocks the disabled and dehumanizes everyone he does not like from women to people of color to the LGBTQ+ community.
With all of his crimes well documented in the public eye for all to see, with all of his vile and horrific rhetoric of retribution, violence and hate, he is now the President of America for the second time. I wonder how many people looked at him and thought: yes, this is what I want and how many people said “I can overlook everything, because of a scary woke black lady on the other side.”
Trump is who we’ve chosen to represent us, maybe that’s just it, maybe this really is just who America is and who America has always been: a country of white supremacy and deeply rooted patriarchy.
Maybe that’s the reality. I am sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
In the coming days there's gonna be a lot of finger pointing and blaming about what the Harris campaign did wrong. This election was not an indictment of Kamala Harris. It was an indictment of America. We were all warned:
Historians: He’s a fascist.
Political scientists: He’s a fascist.
His own aides: He’s a fascist.
Yet, here were are.
It looks like not only will Trump be President again, but that GOP will keep control of the House and likely take 53-47 control of the Senate.
Yes, a lot of this is pure racism and misogyny. I have been saying this and will continue to say that, but that’s not the only reason, it’s not the most critical failure.
I’ll say this again, the media and the comfortable center are at fault for the swing toward fascism. They’ve normalized it and spread propaganda, misinformation, hatred, bigotry, etc.
There’s an ocean of ink already spilled on how every possible indicator should have favored Kamala Harris - from blossoming economy to most pro-labor administration since FDR to you name it. Yet, the so called vibes, in other words perception and perspective of the people rather than the actual reality drowned in the tsunami of mis- and dis- information propaganda and that what I believe turned the proverbial tides.
It is important to remember that atrocities do not require support of the majority, simply a committed minority with a passive or intimidated majority can accomplish quite a lot, there are multiple historical precedents which resulted in considerable harm: from Russia’s war in Ukraine, to the genocide in Rwanda, to the ISIS atrocities, to the Holocaust.
There will be a time to do a deep retrospection and introspection to understand where and how we went wrong. I’ve written a lot about the global rise of fascism. Perhaps Sarah Kendzior is right and there is a transnational crime syndicate masquerading as a government; for make no mistake it was not just Trump and GOP who won last night, it was, in no particular order:
Putin and Russian ethnofascism
MBS and Saudi’s 2030 vision
Bibi and Kahaistic fascist zionism
Ayatollahs and the sharia fascism
Che Ahn and New Apostolic Reformation
Musk, Bezos, Thiel and every oligarch around the world
Hate, dishonesty, lies, xenophobia, greed, anti-science
What happens next?
I’ve attempted to write about the horrors of Trump’s second term a few times and never got to finish it due to how depressed I would get at the time of every attempt.
There are already a few good articles about what to expect from Trump’s next presidency.
Perhaps I’ll find the courage and finish a comprehensive essay on what I expect to happen in the near future but here are a few highlights along with my take on the odds of each happening.
Trump will replace at least two Supreme Court Justices, likely nominating Aileen Cannon and Matthew Kacsmaryk.
This is pretty much a certainty. This will cement far-far right majority on SCOTUS for at least 30 years. There is a non-zero chance that Trump may end up replacing up to 4 Justices and resulting in a 8-1 conservative majority where Chief Justice Roberts is the second most liberal person on the court.
Trump will stop any and all support of Ukraine.
This is as certain as certain gets. Within 6 to 9 months Russia will achieve significant victories leading to Ukrainian surrender. There is a non-zero chance that we’ll see Russia escalate against Latvia, Estonia, Finland, Poland within the next 3-5 years.
Trump will enable RFK Jr to have complete control over the CDC, NIH, FDA…
Basically everything everyone puts in their bodies. This is not certain but very likely. The impact will be severe and immediate.
Within 3 years there will be a national abortion ban, a menstrual cycle registry and open debates regarding repealing the 19th Amendment.
Gender-affirming care will be illegal.
In less than 18 months NATO will be dissolved.
Starting on January 21st, 2025 Trump will unleash ICE, red states National Guard, deputized Proud Boys and Boogaloo bois, etc. on the nation in order to identify, arrest and deport 30,000,000 people (yes, that’s thirty million).
This is almost a certainty. There will be camps, they may call them something neutral or even patriotic, but these will be concentration camps. Thousands will die. Hundreds of thousands will be physically hurt. Millions will be emotionally destroyed.
There will be a new Muslim ban.
Trump will facilitate Bibi turning Israel into a religious ethnostate followed by an alliance with Saudis and war against Iran.
DEI will be made illegal.
Project 2025 will be fully implemented.
Trump will put in place 10-25% tariffs on essentially everything. Global economy will crash.
There is a non-zero chance that supported by the techno oligarchs JD Vance will pull 25th Amendment and replace Trump bringing Musk, Thiel, etc. directly into power.
There will be repressions - first investigations into top opposition like Cheney, Kamala, etc. but quickly there will be legal procedures against media and journalist and higher education institutions and eventually, anyone and everyone who is considered to be “disloyal.” It will start with 1930s GULAGs and end in 1940s Auschwitz-Birkenau.
One of the first things Trump will do is a pardon-palooza - from all of Trump’s allies and cronies, to Jan6 insurrectionists.
There will be protests and book burnings. There will be strife and fear. There will be chaos.
Many of you will choose to continue to fight the fight in big or small ways. For everyone who has it in them to continue the fight, I tip my hat. I wish that I had that strength but I don’t. Not anymore. It is all going to be way, way too toxic to keep devoting time and energy to try to keep up with every insane thing going on like we have done for the past 9 bloody years.
My mental health comes first.
I am not giving up but I am looking toward sadly having to go through immigration for the 2nd time in my life.
Most definitely I will feel the desire, the need to educate people on the news that matter most, because it is going to get worse and it will be very dark at times for many, many years ahead. I will try my best to not write or post on politics after this week. Instead, I will focus on improving my newsletter, writing about things that directly impact me, my life, my mind, my family - most of it will be for my book, but whenever possible and appropriate I’ll post excerpts as standalone essays.
PTSD is horrific and last night brought back a lot of toxic and stressful memories and thoughts. I am sure that it is likely true for many, perhaps millions who have experienced it all before.
The country the entire world, is torn apart and it will only get much worse before someday it hopefully gets better again. Love and support those around you and who matter you the most. Be the best human you can be.
Right now I feel shame and embarrassment and pain and fear.
I am lost and looking at long-term visas or residency across the globe.
It is one of the stages of grief.
There will be others.
Until we have fully accepted that our country is just overwhelmed with millions upon millions of people who are so angry and wrapped up in their hatreds that it blinds them to everything else.
I want to try to find some peace and joy in anything I can.
Please do the same.
“It's always darkest before the dawn.”
Thomas Fuller