“He who jumps into the void owes no explanation to those who stand and watch.” Jean-Luc Goddard
I got my first tattoo almost 30 years ago. As many tattoos that we get during our teens and twenties, this was a youthful mistake. That first tattoo was a simplistic sophomoric cliche - number 13 entwined with a four-leaf clover. While I still want to get my number, 13, to be inked on me, I don’t know when, how, and most importantly where I would do that, etc. Since that time I’ve covered up that youthful mistake with something that was much more authentic and meaningful - my son’s name and date of birth across a dead Yggdrasil with the following quote encompassing the truth: “Nothing ends. Nothing ever ends.”
The yggdrasil tattoo was my first tattoo with an image since my very first one 30 years ago. Very quickly after that first one, I realized that the particular itch you feel getting inked is neverending, it’s a thirst as strong as the need for air and water. Okay, perhaps I am exaggerating, but if you have a tattoo, you know what I mean and if you don’t, I can’t explain until you do. It’s an addiction stronger than any mind-altering substance. Over the years I’ve diligently saved up for my next one with the idea that over time I will ink most of quotes that are most important to me, to understanding myself. One after another I’ve gotten words by William Blake and William Faulkner and GK Chesterton, among others, on my skin now. However, until the yggdrasil it was just that - words. That particular tattoo changed my approach where instead of strictly text I now have an image that combined with the text brings the fullness together. Grok?
Why am I writing about tattoos?
Yes, I always have the itch for more ink. However, over the past year, as I’ve struggled and suffered through a serious mental health crisis the want of, nay, the need to get new ink has quickly grown to the point where at least twice a week I wake up with the desire to get into my car and go see my tattoo artist to discuss my next one. There are a few quotes that I know I want and need to get done, but as I’ve worked on the introspection, on better understanding of myself and my demons, the more I knew that regardless of my previous plans, the next one absolutely must be The Litany Against Fear from Frank Herbert’s Dune:
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
The thought of being able to glance at my wrist (or my forearm or whatever) and be reminded that fear is in fact a mind killer and I must let it pass through and remain myself created a sense of comfort, a way to quiet the mind and just face whatever it is head on. Although, it is of course an addiction, I think that the need to continuously add more quotes across my skin is also a defense mechanism, a way to create mental and emotional safety in response to all of the long gone but not forgotten traumas.
This week’s events though made me think of the quote and the tattoo again. Now, it’s not just the fear of my inner demons and traumas, no, now it is the fear of what will happen… what will happen to millions of people across this country… what would happen to friends and neighbors.. what would happen to my own family??
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Earlier I wrote that I am completely shell-shocked and while I fully expect that “there will be protests and book burnings. There will be strife and fear. There will be chaos.
Many of you will choose to continue to fight the fight in big or small ways. For everyone who has it in them to continue the fight, I tip my hat. I wish that I had that strength but I don’t. Not anymore. It is all going to be way, way too toxic to keep devoting time and energy to try to keep up with every insane thing going on like we have done for the past 9 bloody years.
My mental health comes first.“
Perhaps this is the next stage of the grief: anger.
Last night while still doom-scrolling I saw a post by Miranda Yaver: “This is the only movie that makes sense to me right now. And yes, I’m going to lose it in the Marseillaise scene.”
I wrote recently that I cry every time when the scene comes on the screen. That particular introspection let me realize that unlike the two- and sometimes one-dimensional characters, real people, including myself are complex and in my case I have been able to perfectly blend in the characteristic of both Rick and Viktor.
Here’s the thing though, in the black and white reality of the movie, Viktor was an uncompromising fighter for the best of the world; whereas Rick was a dedicated romantic who in the end chose the happiness of the woman he loves above everything else. I am not sure that Viktor would ever have been able to make that choice. This rings too close to the current reality…
The deep long-standing desire to move to Europe and escape the oncoming Nehemiah Scudder Gilead is akin to Rick’s decision, deeply rooted in the happiness and safety of others, in my case, my family. Yet, it is also fear. Fear of what will happen if we stay here, what will this do to my teenage son who would have to go through the most critical years of his development in the midst of the new american carnage??
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
It is probably not an exaggeration to say that I am fairly familiar with all different types of long-term visas or schemes needed to permanently move to Europe. It is a fact that earlier this year I’ve reached out and learned the specifics and details of potentially retaining Adrian Leeds services to help with migration… Yet I understand that short of moving to Mars or Venus there is no way to escape the impact of what just happened this week. Yes, Europe is a sweet sounding refuge, yet it is not all that far behind the United States in terms of onslaught of ethnofascism.
Moreover, if I don’t do what I can to help in this existential struggle, what would that make me? How would I look at my son or his children years down the line when they ask what I did when it mattered most? How would I look into the mirror at my own reflection.
The only way is to be sure that “Only I will remain” and that all of the fear is gone.
Jared Yates Sexton wrote earlier today: “Just a reminder, as the country is forced to the Right, that you’re going to see a lot of media and political figures aggressively normalize Trump and authoritarianism. This isn’t going to operate the way you expect it will.
People are about to get a crash-course in what class-solidarity looks like and that traditional political paradigms and two-party systems camouflage actual ideology and motivations until they don’t. Our parties, our media, our culture are all about to feel very, very different.”
Voters without a college degree of all races:
2008: Obama +7
2012: Obama +4
2016: Trump +7
2020: Trump +2
2024: Trump +14
Non-college graduates make up 60% of all voters.
I may not be able to do much, but I can help with the information and propaganda warfare, I can run for an office. I can be a voice of reason or a sanctuary for those in need.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
The very first among many bullshit propaganda stories is that it was Latinos, specifically Latino men, who turned the tide so to speak. Yes, essentially the entire country shifted to the Right since 2020 but the only culprits of this week’s election are the white people:
Trump insults his constituents all the time—he insults women, Black people, children of immigrants, people of color, Mexicans, Haitians, Puerto Ricans... but not white people and never white men.
It’s not just MAGA and the people wearing red hats.
The Right and our political environment successfully pushed our culture and politics to the Right. A lot of Never Trumpers and liberals went along for the ride.
What we’re facing is a class war. First step is realizing that.
People have been living in a pseudo-reality that hid what was happening and progressively creating a delusional fantasy.
The question now is whether we can put together a movement that seeks to wrestle power away from the wealth class and operates in actual reality.
It was comforting to believe there were easy and traditional routes to defeating authoritarianism, which is a vehicle for the wealth class to accumulate more power. Voting and retweeting felt like enough to many.
But this is a fight that requires much, much more from us.
He is right.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
In Casablanca, the one person who was never really asked for their opinion was Ilsa. The 1940s pure patriarchy is firmly depicted across the entire movie and the fact that Rick and Viktor both make decisions for Ilsa is the prime example.
I mean, Nick Fuentes’ despicable tweet received 65,000,000 views - almost more than people who voted to prevent fascism from winning.
Perhaps, in the end, I am really neither of them as I do care for what my spouse thinks and wants, I do care for what my son thinks and wants. This must be a true family decision with unanimous consent.
All of that though will wait till next week.
Right now we must give ourselves time to heal, we must give each other and ourselves grace and not be telling people that they are weak or deluded or privileged if they are still grieving and stunned.
We are in this together.
We must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
“Civilized life, you know, is based on a huge number of illusions in which we all collaborate willingly. The trouble is we forget after a while that they are illusions and we are deeply shocked when reality is torn down around us.”
J. G. Ballard
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