79 - Manners Maketh Man ♂️
Hey there, !
A more serious post that has been on my mind for a while - what does it mean to be a man? It's quite long, so if the topic doesn't sound like something that's up your alley, feel free to skip this one - a few nice articles in the links below :)
What does it mean to be a man?
1.
This question is one that I've grappled with for a lot of my life. I'm not a traditionally "masculine" man in that I'm not very physically strong, hair never grows on my chest, and I still can't skull a beer.
When I was younger, this was something confronting to work through. I went to a private school with a number of quite...er...different people to me, in that they had much different upbringings and values - I didn't really fit in with what I liked, where I lived, or what I enjoyed doing after school.
Okay, fine - let's be honest. I was an Asian kid in a school filled with white kids - and a typically nerdy kid in a place where it wasn't particularly valued (at least, at that age). I would be small and scrawny for most of my education, while the others around me were growing quickly and adopting more attitudes and behaviours that were stereotypically male. It's cliche, but it was often about sports, or girls, or being disgustingly rich (most of them were sons of wealthy business owners and high powered executives).
I didn't know how to fit in as a man. The energy I've grown up with is much more sensitive, risk-averse and full of careful assessment and planning before taking action. What that meant was, well, bullying, and that often came from guys from my year level. I hated it, and I hated that that was the model of masculinity I saw from the people around me. So I grew distant from it, and tried to find my own way.
2.
Gender roles have changed significantly. The feminist movements have redefined a lot of what girls used to be expected to do, and I wholeheartedly support equality of roles across life and work.
A difficulty has arisen from the reluctance (at least, when I was younger) of men to adopt these same attitudes regarding their role in society. From my experience growing up in Australia, the slow change towards understanding how to adopt new ways by their role models meant there was a generation of children who rarely saw positive male role models in their life. In some cases, this still hasn't been rectified - the replacement of what it means to be a man.
When we think about those kinds of male role models in popular culture, they are few and far between. The Internet often touts people like Bob Ross, Mr Rogers, or maybe even Keanu Reeves (!) as being great models- but these weren't really part of an Australian upbringing. (We did have Steve Irwin! Though the danger and larrikinism is another discussion altogether).
As a kid, it was a crapshoot to find people that were like me, someone I could relate to and strive to be.
It's even harder when you're Asian.
3.
What do you do when you don't know something? Well, for me, you read about it.
I stumbled upon this article when I first started uni, trying to find my way in the world. It's a long-form breakdown of a book called King, Warrior Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine which sounds like a mouthful but was a fantastic framework to think about what it means to be a man.
(Note: though the concepts below are written with men in mind, I don't see why they couldn't also be read as an explanation of different energies that anyone could access)
The authors Moore (a Jungian psychologist) and Gillette (a mythologist) break down historical archetypes of what it means to be a man, and explain how 'shadow' archetypes make it seem like masculinity is being demonized, when in actual fact, the archetypes in their fullness are things that can exist for both men and women. The diagram below is a summary of their framework, but follow the link above if you want to learn more - we're only going to be detailing the mature masculine archetypes here.
Below, I've tried to summarise the archetypes in their fullness, as well as the 'Shadow archetypes' - i.e. how they can go wrong. A lot of criticism usually is directed towards men who are displaying these Shadow archetypes, so I think it's important to discuss (because then you know what kind of energy they should be showing).
The posts are much better than I can summarise here, so please go and read them if you're interested!:
The Lover: experiencing the world in its fullness, feeling connected with those around him
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Love is not just about romance and sex - it's also about how you feel love for the world, and for those around you. Understanding that there is pleasure to be enjoyed in life, there is an intensity and passion that powers the energy behind trying new things, experiencing the world, and feeling as fully as you can. In many cases, this boundless optimism and vigour for life is redirected by the discipline that comes from the King/Warrior/Magician towards healthy, and worthy goals.
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The Addicted Lover is the shadow that allows the Lover energy to run too rampant, without structure or goals for that energy to be pointed to, to make him feel alive. This makes a man "eternally restless", always seeking the next thing to consume, to enjoy, to find pleasurable. The other side of this is when you get too addicted to a particular pursuit to the exclusion of everything else.
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The Impotent Lover is the shadow who can't find joy or pleasure in anything they do, because of the walls they've thrown up around themselves. The discipline and control of themselves has gone too far, and so they find everything boring, or flat, or gray.
The Warrior: doing things that are required, with purpose and discipline
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In the past, wars were part of the normal course of the world - the warriors we revere like samurai, or soldiers, or Spartans, were those who showed courage and skill in destroying their opposition and conquering the enemy. In modern times, the same skills of confrontation and aggression are not as welcome; in many cases, avoiding conflict altogether is considered the ideal way.
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But Warrior energy is not just about aggression; it is the strength and courage to do the thing that must be done, with purpose and discipline. It's standing up for what you believe in, and fighting the good fight when necessary. It is the mindful use of force, efficiently and intelligently, that reflects true Warrior energy
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The Sadist is the shadow that uses the single-minded focus of the Warrior too much, and forgets that the emotional detachment that may help them attain their goals in the field of "battle" does not carry over to a world of relationships and family. The cruelty of the sadist is related more to indifference - in pursuing their goals, they shun anything that prevents them from attaining it. This also means they hate any display of weakness (as their insecurity of trying to attain their own goal is projected on to others), and can become destructive to those around them
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The Masochist is the shadow that does not know how to tap into their Warrior energy, and feels powerless to achieve the things they want. This make them a doormat, accepting of all transgressions and abuse so that he can fit in with others think he should be. To retain control, they'll tell themselves the story of suffering as a martyr, with the ultimate problem of lashing out at a time when they feel underappreciated regarding their martyrdom (which no-one asked for).
The Magician: curiosity about the world, attaining secret knowledge and passing it on
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The phrase 'secret knowledge' sounds esoteric, but is essentially any type of knowledge that you expend effort, time and energy to attaining, which others might not know about. This usually comes in things like uni degrees, but can even be learning about plant care, or how to play chess, or what the name of the birds are outside your window.
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The key is the curiosity to learn, and to attain knowledge that others don't have. In it's fullness, this also extends to sharing this knowledge, being the mentor for new initiates, and helping others achieve the attainment of this knowledge as well. The introspection and wisdom that comes from this supports the Warrior in channelling their energy into the right areas, or helps the Lover have a better understanding of what is pleasurable in life.
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The Detached Manipulator is the shadow that seems to want to share their knowledge, but revels instead in the power of having more knowledge than others. He uses that leverage to extort money or create a following, rather than helping others learn. Often, this culminates in a detachment from what the norm is, making it seem like they know it all, stopping them from experiencing life.
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The Innocent One is the shadow that wants to be the Magician, without the effort or hard work required to attain it. These are people who will want to achieve greatness, but once the easy part is over, give up. As that type of attitude progresses, though, they'll also start becoming cynical and begrudging of others who are attempting the same feat. They'll try to pull others down and diminish their achievements - how many times have you heard the phrase, 'oh, I could have done that if I wanted to'.
The King: wholeness concerning his actions, making wise and principled decisions about his life
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The King archetype brings all the other archetypes together. The curiosity to enjoy all the pleasures that life has to offer. The discipline to inspire others to achieve greatness. The wisdom to use force when necessary. The integrity to be fair and centred in their decisions. He is balanced and completely present in his life, knowing that his choices are based on values and purpose that have been cultivated and developed over time.
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Another aspect of King energy is to be able to 'bless' others - the power you have to shape lives, and provide the encouragement and positive reinforcement required. It's the inspiration, the 'being seen', that others are looking for in their lives. I'm sure there's someone like that in your life - we all want to gain validation in some little way.
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The Tyrant believes that the power from King energy is scarce, and can only be wielded by a select few. This means he does not want to share - any opposition to him is perceived as an attack, and he will lash out. To further solidify his domination of others and achieve his ultimate goal of power, he will sacrifice those below him to achieve his goals - thus, the Tyrant.
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The Weakling is the shadow that abdicates responsibility and control of their life to others. This is often the person who has not inspected what they want from life, and instead bends to the wills and whims of other people. Often, when they do get thrust into a position of power, they don't have the confidence and security in themselves to believe they should be there, causing paranoia and again, lashing out against other people.
4.
I don't believe the archetypes are wholly accurate. They're derived from analyses of the past and what was considered 'manly', viewed through a more modern day lens. Each description of energy is susceptible to the Barnum effect, and are general enough to apply to many different situations.
However, just like the MBTI (which also has a basis in Jungian psychology), though it's not a full, accurate representation of who you are as a person, it gives you an interesting way to view the world through a different framework. It unlocks a vocabulary that you can use to clarify who you are and what you want to work on. It provides a foundation for your future growth.
There's also a lot about 'Boyhood archetypes', which cover the type of things that may happen at a younger age. From my reading, they're very similar to the archetypes above, and that's why I've omitted them. If you're keen, feel free to dive deeper in to the posts I've linked above :)
5.
I've heard feedback before that though I explain things, I don't bring them back to how it's relevant to me. So here goes:
Describing my life in the above archetypes, I'm heavily overindexed in being a Magician - I love learning, I love reading, and I love sharing that knowledge (if you've got to here, you've read nearly 2500 words on masculinity for god's sake!). I've tried to cultivate King energy in terms of being inspiring, decisive, and centred, but without strong Lover or Warrior energy it's difficult to achieve.
To that end, I'm working on how to appreciate life and take pleasure in the things around me, and to make decisions that are principled and thought through. I want to learn how to use confrontation in a constructive way, rather than avoid it through clever retorts and negotiation (which I'm much better at!). I want to lean into the 'pain' of learning, and appreciate that it's a necessary ingredient for learning, rather than wallow in comfort and shun it when I can.
Lofty goals, but life, uh...finds a way.
Chat soon :)
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✔️ Real Life Recommendations
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Darkest Hour - a biopic of Winston Churchill during the early days of World War 2. One thing that is recommended by the authors of KWML is to analyse the lives of great men, to glean insights based on the decisions they've made, the courage they have shown, and try to understand what it means to be a man. This film helped show me how difficult it was for Churchill to sit in a position of power as Prime Minister and resist calls by his own officials for appeasement of German aggression - and Gary Oldman plays him so wonderfully. Highly recommended character study type film if that is something that interests you!
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Up In the Air - a bit left field; it's a film starring George Clooney who's job it is to fire people all across America. He gets hired by companies to fire their employees, and with this film released in 2009, the year after the GFC, it was an intensely charged release. There's a lot of interesting insight in this film (e.g. about the struggle of real people dealing with a recession, the obsession with frequent flyer points), but for me, it was most interesting to watch George Clooney's character, who lives his life between cities (mostly on planes and in hotels) struggle with his own loneliness, and connections with other people. A surprisingly good watch (mainly because I expected it to be a bit depressing)!
🚌 Adventures on the Information Super-Highway
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The incredible boxes of Hock Wah Yeo - my favourite article from the last few weeks; it's a breakdown of the history of a game packaging designer from the 90s, who made some insanely creative boxes. Even if you just skim through the article, it's fascinating to see these crazy looking boxes (some that look like fighter planes, or a robot, or an egg carton - man there was a crapton of experimentation!)
Yeo is a graphic designer based in the San Francisco Bay Area, and through the 80s and 90s, he created the boldest, most unusual packaging in the game industry. While other game publishers were trying to get attention with flashy, colorful, in-your-face aesthetics, Yeo was deconstructing the idea of what a game box could be altogether. He made boxes shaped like pyramids and trapezoids, boxes that conveyed emotions and movement with their physical shape, designed to stop people in their tracks and get them to pick it up. And whether he intended it or not, his work landed him right in the middle of a battle for the future of retail space.
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Beyond Meat signs global supply deal with McDonald's, KFC & Pizza Hut - anyone who's read this newsletter for a while knows that I love meat - fried chicken, burgers, pork chops - you name it, I love it! But I am also incredibly excited by this news. I've been waiting for lab-grown meat for a long time, as the only real excuse I had for not being a vegetarian was 'I really like the taste of meat'.
And now there's an ethical alternative that tastes like meat, and more places are offering it on their menus, I choose it over beef burgers any time I can. It doesn't mean I'll stop eating meat altogether, but when they start making more alternatives to other meats, I'll try those too!
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How to survive falling 35,000 feet in the air - a practical guide to surviving a very long fall from an aeroplane to the ground. You'll likely never use this knowledge, but on the off chance you're in this situation, wouldn't you have loved to have read it?
You're six miles up, alone and falling without a parachute. Though the odds are long, a small number of people have found themselves in similar situations - and lived to tell the tale.