40 - Adulting and Exile
The next part in our series on Adulthood - the role of rituals and 'coming of age'. A long one, but please bear with me!
In Before-Rona (BR) times, I flicked through a book at Dymocks called "For Small Creatures Such As We", written by Carl Sagan's daughter, Sasha. It's a book about the different life stage rituals that religions and cultures have developed over years, and how Sasha has brought some of those into a more secular upbringing. I didn't pick it up at the time, but I might soon, because I happened upon a fascinating chapter about coming of age rituals.
I'm not going to try and recount it, but it stayed hooked into my mind about adulthood, and I wanted to share my thoughts here. Let me know what you think!
Trials and Exile
In more ancient times, tribes would send their boys out to go on hunting trips, have them hold vigils, or have them experience pain in a ritualistic way to prove they were now a man. Essentially, a trial to become a ManTM. A lot of these required the boy to go out and perform some action (defeat a lion. skin a moose. survive for 30 days. I don't know, I wasn't there!) before coming back, and that time of 'exile' would be their chance to 'transform' into the next stage.
When they returned from this trial, it would be accepted that this person was now a man, an adult, and fit to join the ranks of the Real MenTM (though there would then often be a new hierarchy to deal with - the literal patriarchy).
If we chart a course through history, we can see these kind of coming of age rituals still continuing on. In the late 19th to early 20th century, as people entered a trade, they would have to move around as travelling craftsmen to hone and learn their craft, or move to another town to hawk their wares. Even in the movies, spaghetti westerns portray the lone rangers and frontiersmen who had struck out on their own against the world, romanticising the solitary role of cowboys, and what it was like to be a ManTM.
Later on, as urban centres were developed and more people moved from small towns to big cities, more and more young people would set out to go seek their fortunes (Live the American Dream!). Leaving home was a necessity, and continued the separation from the family home to dependence on yourself. Another example from the movies (which I think are illustrative, if somewhat exaggerated, reflections of reality), a lot of good gangster flicks are about that forging of a new identity, choosing your family and making your way as a man in the world.
Each of these have parallels to trials, to independence, to striking out on your own and depending upon yourself. Your family isn't there to help you. Your networks are all new. You have to work it out on your own.
A key area where this still exists is in religion and religious rituals. Religion plays a big role, and enforce these milestones as 'proof of adulthood' - confirmations for the Catholics and bar/batmitzvah's for the Jewish. These kinds of rituals persist even to this day, and are quite big events in a young person's life.
It's telling the rest of the community 'This person is ready to be an adult. Treat them as such.'
Even up to the late 80's and 90's, the general understanding was that you would move out at 18, or 21, and then push forward into your own life. Rent a place, (try to) survive, fail, go home and get your laundry done by your parents, survive better the next time, meet a significant other, get married, buy a house, have a family, etc. etc. - that's the path to becoming an adult.
Milestones and Independence
Like we've discussed though, these markers aren't useful measures of adulthood.
If you think about us these days, people are moving out later and later from their family home. See here - the proportion of 18-29 year olds who are still at home is up to 60%, from around 37% (female) and 47% (male). These kinds of markers are not as useful to working out if someone is an adult or not.
There are lots of factors to why this is the case for the millennial generation - high house prices relative to wages, less permanent roles available, the perfection of the unequal capitalist system, a coronavirus epidemic and the GFC; these all drag on what young adults can do to do their own thing.
However, what I really want to stress is that there's no specific marker or milestone that now points to 'hey, this person is an adult now'. Sure, we have things like gap years, exchange programs, uni life...we still have moving out and people buying houses. I kind of think house buying is still quite a good marker, or maybe marriage, but like we've said, milestones do not maketh the adult.
That period of exile thrusts responsibility on to you, as an individual, and you learn that 'hey, I have to be able to rely on myself'. There's no safety net, there's no blaming anyone else for your failures. It's all on you.
Nothing can really prepare you for the reality of it other than the real thing. You can try and get as close to that experience as much as possible (and that's what your parents should be teaching) - chores, cooking, cleaning, a job, how to treat people, morals etc.
But nothing can stack up to the first time you're by yourself, and shit goes wrong. It's all on you, and people grow from that kind of adversity.
I mean, I remember all the time I spent learning how to drive with my parents...I feel like what happened was I was taught by my parents and the driving teachers we had, passed a test...
...and then I learnt driving by driving solo. Near misses, or speeding fines...it's all on me. I remember a time driving to Monash where I forgot to check a blind spot and nearly smashed into a car behind me. WHAT ADRENALINE. That learning experience was SEARED into the brain. Steph did NOT like that at all hahaha...but then again - I never miss my blindspot any more. I'm a great driver guys don't worry.
So What?
Well I mean, as always, we're thinking about what this means, right? For me it comes to even more questions:
- Would it be wise to re-create these sorts of coming of age rituals? (probably)
- Should one go into a period of exile to feel that independence and adversity? (maybe)
- Does it help a community or society to know that someone has become an adult? (unsure)
- What would it even look like? (insufficient data available)
The expectations placed on someone who is an 'adult' are different to those of a 'child', and maybe that could actually bring a better set of adults into the world...
...or maybe this all doesn't really matter? Maybe you can stay as an adult child for your life and pay for those responsibilities to be taken away from you if you have the means (food delivery services, laundry services, a cleaner...) and still be happy. Achieve what you want to achieve, and gain meaning from individual freedom and expression. I mean...
What does it even mean to be an adult?
Feels like I've ended with more questions than the start, but these are exploratory posts and public learning/thinking. It's important to think about, but I think it's good to think through here.
Keen to hear what you all think!
Chat soon :)
✔️ Real Life Recommendations
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For Small Creatures Such As We by Sasha Sagan - okay okay, I haven't actually read it. But I think it'll be a good book :) Especially if you're interested in this stuff!
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The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - Clint Eastwood is a damned handsome man. I always thought he was just the gruff mean old guy in movies but maaaan he's great in this one. I especially love immersing myself in the world of these guys who can't rely on anyone else but themselves, and have to be wily and cunning in their own way for their own survival. I'm watching through some classics so give me some more suggestions - otherwise the imdb Top 100 is my guide for now :D
🚌 Adventures on the Information Super-Highway
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COVID-19 Property Dashboard - hello what? Didn't you just say that "milestones do not maketh the adult" in that wanky way? I mean, yes, but also I still want to get a house and something like this helps me make decisions :D
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68 bits of unsolicited advice - an interesting post by Kevin Kelly, a co-founder of Wired. My favourites: "Being enthusiastic is worth 25 IQ points" because I feel like that's all I have for my IQ...and "The universe is conspiring behind your back to make you a success. This will be much easier to do if you embrace this pronoia" because it introduced me to a new word.
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When monks went undercover to steal relics - a rocker of an article that doesn't really speak to the theme of this piece but who cares; it's short, and it's hilarious. Undercover Priests - I want to see that movie :D
🌱 The Calathea Corner
Let's try to make this more aesthetic shall we? I don't have a DSLR so I just have to work on making a great composition LOL
Fig 1. Feleafcia the model
