262 - we just out here realising things
Hey there, !
You wouldn't be able to tell from this handsome face surrounded by sakura, but I'm single, and it's been a while since I've been in a relationship. The general advice is usually to go and date yourself - try things by yourself that you enjoy, and make it so that you feel okay in your own presence. You gain a lot by being able to take yourself out to your own new experiences, see the world, get things done.
So when I had my last serious relationship break-up, yup great, I did that.
and...
...well...
...then what?
I did all the 'dating myself' stuff.
So am I just getting really good at being alone?
...
See, generally, I think that advice is good, but specifically, I think it's dogshit.
For one, there are so many experiences that are so much better when they're shared. Yes, you can go and enjoy your own company, and yes, you need to know how to be happy on your own, but once you've got that, then what?
I can go watch a movie by myself, and I can go have dinner with myself, but to what end? What am I sharing with others?
What's the point in experiencing this all by myself?
I stopped doing a lot of these things, for a while, unless I was with other people, because though I could do it, I didn't really want to. I wanted to go and share the world with others - which I will say is hard not only because COVID hit when I was testing this realisation, but also because, well - gestures vaguely - life happens. People move on, people have their own shit going on - it's not easy to keep things going when life stages aren't aligned. It all requires effort, from both sides.
And though on the outside I felt like I was still going about my normal activities, hanging out with people, going to work...there was always something missing.
I felt trapped.
Sure, a trap of my own creation, but I felt like there were certain activities that you could only do when you had a partner...like brunch. or travel. or going on daytrips. or even having a kid lol.
I felt like I was just...
...
...waiting around.
I was, for some reason, waiting for my life to begin when I could get back on to the Path and get a girlfriend and get married and get a house and have kids. As much as I abhor going mindlessly on the Path, it felt difficult to feel like I was on the sidelines of my own life, seeing everyone around me just have it - plop - fall into place, and I was just...here. Existing.
After a long enough time, and a whole lot of classic overthinky introspection, I realised that I had to really confront myself on harsh truths if I wanted anything to change.
So...was my belief actually true? Did I actually have to wait for someone before I could go do things? Was I actually trapped or was I just using this as an excuse, unwilling to see what else I could be doing?
We all build the story of our lives over the course of living them, and they give us both strength, and weakness. There's a lot to be gained from being able to articulate that story to yourself, and to be able to live consistently with the beliefs you form based on those stories, but there are also delusions and implications that are built into those as well.
I realised that I could do these things, but that I was unwilling to do them because it was easier to think I was trapped by external circumstances - in actual fact, it was more useful to face into the fear, see what the actual consequences would be, and see if I would be willing to suffer that future.
For example, waiting around was a way to procrastinate taking agency over my own life and making choices that would make me happy. It was way easier to say there was a rule somewhere that I had to have a partner before going to do the things I wanted to. But look at all the things I'm able to do without a partner! Control over my own schedule, ample time to enjoy and pursue my hobbies, more time to see friends and family - it's great!
The consequence is that I might not have someone to share it with, right now, but just like a kettle that's watched, I'm not gonna boil by waiting around for it.
It's a slightly lonelier life, sure, and it doesn't really answer the question of 'What's the point in experiencing this by myself?', but it's also useful to feel like I chose this life, so I become okay with the consequences of the choice. I'm not blaming anyone else on this - this is what I want, right now, and can make me happy.
Though the mindshift isn't that different, I think the reframe from focusing on this barrier (needing to wait to have a partner) to something I'm choosing as a consequence (all the great things I can do in return) was helpful to me. It was essentially saying that hey, you're not as trapped as you think you are - you just have to come to accept that the future isn't going to be the one where you have a partner, for now.
The toss-up was choosing a future with agency (I make my own choices) to one where I am buffeted by chance (I am trapped by forces outside of my control), and we know I'm choosing to be agentic in my life, rather than an NPC.
Much easier decision ^^
Don't get me wrong - I'm very happy with where I'm at with my life; I get to spend so much time doing what I want to do, with people I love, and can share experiences with.
Perhaps this whole piece was just a long-winded way of saying 'I'm taking control of what makes me happy', which is probably what the initial advice of 'go and date yourself' was actually about.
So...I guess I ended up agreeing with it. Damn.
Ah well, noodling on these sorts of things is what makes this newsletter Potentially Interesting rather than Definitely Interesting
Chat soon :)
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✔️Real Life Recommendations
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The Wailing - 3.5 stars - still a recommend as a creepy Korean horror film, but it's quite a long one. It's like a DM decided to introduce all these really interesting plot hooks of things happening around this village...and then had to rush to an ending that was like 'it doesn't seem to make sense BUT IT DOES'. Have fun seeing the creepiest representation of a demon in cinema, an incredible child actor performance, as well as a beautifully shot dueling shamans scene. It sounds weird, but you'll know it when you see it.
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Welcome to...Collector's Edition - yes, it's a board game, but I genuinely think it's one that will appeal to MANY people. You're tasked with doing some town planning of houses and estates over 3 streets, and you try to get the most points possible by planning it perfectly. The Collector's Edition changes the paper boards to dry-erase, and there are like 9 expansions included in the box (including a mini-expansion based on Daniel Radcliffe!)). Super fun
🚌 Adventures on the Information Super-Highway
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The Tube Computer - people do the darndest things. And they're really freakin' cool.
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The End of Shame - a great explainer on some of the thoughts from above - especially about redefining yourself, and who you are, and where you're going. Really liked this one - he's a good writer.
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The Art and Mathematics of Genji-Kō - rabbit holes on rabbit holes going down these cute little decorations that represent incense in old Japanese paintings.