189 - Happy Birthday...to me! 🎂
Dear you,
Why should I be unhappy? Every parcel of my being is in bloom. - Rumi
I'm 30 today.
It's been an incredible 30 years of life, and for many people around the world and through history, 30 years is pretty goddamn long. Just to be here, writing a silly little newsletter every week is something that's an incredible privilege, and I'm grateful for this opportunity every time I get to write to you. It implies so many things about my life - most importantly, that I have the security to be doing things that I'm passionate about, and that (some) people care about that. Many have a lot less.
To be honest, I'm not where I thought I would be by this time in my life. I'm 30 now, and in a similar way that people who take leaps of faith into new adventures find out more about themselves than they thought - whether that be starting businesses, travelling to new countries or starting families - I feel like my life's journey into a quieter life has taught me the same, including (but not limited to):
- I have learnt that being authentic is more difficult than I imagined when I was 18.
- I have learnt that being alone does not mean being lonely, and that good friends are worth their weight in bitcoins.
- I have learnt that cutting fruit for yourself is an incredibly high discipline habit that needs to be cultivated over time, and it is not happening for me.
There are so many more lessons to share, but not enough time - let's move on.
Know thyself - Socrates
It's been 30 years, and I still constantly ask whether I truly do know myself. I know that I love to tell stories, I love to entertain others, I love my friends, I like it when I can make others feel good about themselves, I hate risks, I'm stubborn to change, I like fried chicken, I need to exercise wayy more, I constantly suffer impostor syndrome, I say that I want to do things and then take years to actually do them, I have a shit love life, I'm a big nerd, I get distracted easily, I'm far too slow to change, I suck at anything design-related, I spend too much time thinking about things rather than doing them, I don't take enough leave, I work too much, I think too much, I want too much.
Still, I think I'm content. I don't regret any decisions I've made, because they have taken me to where I am today, and I actually do really like where I'm at. There are infinitely many multiverses where I am better than I am now, and infinitely many multiverses where I am much worse.
I have a great set of friends, I have a loving family, I have enjoyable hobbies, I can explore life, and I can do it with a relatively healthy disposition.
What more could I ask for?
Copper does not know it's copper, until it is changing into gold - Rumi
Many times, I have tried to write a manifesto, or a declaration of change for myself. I have tried to tell myself that 'this is it, this time the change is going to stick, and this time I'm going to become someone who is better than me now, and my life will change radically for the better'.
And I found, every time, that it was like pushing against a tectonic plate - hopeless to see any progress on a day to day basis, but slowly and surely shifting my thoughts towards a better way.
There have been earthquakes, of course, that have jolted me to action, and there is a vague notion of a future me that I would love to become. I often wish that those thoughts would translate into action more easily, so that I could live the life I think I want - but there always seems to be something in the way, whether it's time, or effort, or both, and y'know...if I really wanted it to happen, it would, right?
A long time ago, a coach of mine recommended me the book 'The Top Five 5 Regrets of the Dying' written by Bronnie Ware, a nurse who had gathered stories from people nearing the end of their lives. Looking at these, even at a young age, I knew that I was traipsing blindly down these roads, and felt like I couldn't change my path...
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“I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” - see: any post I've ever written about The Path - but this one is being worked on all the time.
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“I wish I hadn't worked so hard.” - one of those that you don't understand until you burn out.
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“I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.” - one I have worked on, but still find difficult.
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“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” - one I am actively working on.
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“I wish I had let myself be happier” - one that I am happy to have improved more recently.
They aren't goals to achieve, but I resonate with them (as I'm sure you might as well). I remember recently understanding the shame that I used to have about having incredibly nerdy interests, and how that made me shun or be wary of things that would label me as such - and the incredible freedom and joy of jumping back into those hobbies as I grow older. A period of burnout helped me reflect on the energy I was putting to work, and to play. My friendships are always incredibly important to me, and in listening to what I needed, I understood that I could be happier by making more authentic choices.
Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken? - Terry Pratchett
All I have for the years ahead is the hope that I will continue to grow, and learn, and enjoy life as it comes.
In this short, brief, candle-flame instant of a life, I am content to just be.
I hope you are too, .
Love,
Vince
No recommendations this week, because it's cheesy central already. See y'all next week <3