Hello - let's cut to the chase, what's happened since I last wrote? I had my birthday, watched outdoor queer cabaret, I cut and dyed my hair. I got Covid again (it was worse this time, what's up with that?), I did a lot of jigsaw puzzles. I've needed to have 12-hour nights of sleep several times a week since being ill, which frankly sucks. I ran my first workshop in over 2 years, I've tabled 3 local markets. Do you know the joy of watching a small child explain the difference between the progress flag and the original LGBT rainbow flag to their parent? I've sat in the sun when it's appeared, when I could. I've basked in the fleeting cherry blossom, and taken endless photos of our blooming spring turning colourful and green.

Joy & Connection
Making good use of my higher-immunity window, I went to Bollox, an actual big queer night out for the first time since everything. In the past I've been accidentally on the fringe of subcultures that declare the radical possibilities of the dance floor - something I think, at the very least, is an overblown sentiment. But - I can understand how someone might get to that thought even if I don't agree with it really.

Maybe radical is just the wrong word. For a start, they're not for everyone. Not everyone even enjoys them. Not everyone can access them - rarely wheelchair accessible, expensive, crowded, loud, overstimulating, late night, usually centred around booze and drugs. Are they even a good idea for anyone right now? Yeah, maybe, probably not. 

Again, but - maybe they're just an example, a slice of what humans need, something that's been hard to grab hold onto for the past 2 years (or longer, for some of us). Joy? A fleeting feeling of belonging? Celebration? Letting go? Feeling momentarily unbridled? A space to express your queerness fully? Clubs and dancefloors aren't the only place to find any of that (and oh god - often they just provoke the opposite), they're just one that is socially established and easy to tap into.

There's surely more places for it - exhilaration beyond simple pleasures? I've been trying to convince myself that it's a desire worth giving weight to. That there's more to life than having to take part in grinding capitalism - and the necessary counter fight against it. That actually not everything has to be radical to be worth doing. Sometimes it's just living a life worth living and having to compromise to get there. Does that take off it's shine? (yeah, for me, sometimes, but)

So - where else do we get it? Running into a field and screaming at the top of our lungs? Or maybe wild swimming, live music, standing on top of a massive hill, celebrating our friend's birthdays, celebrating other life milestones, getting praise and affirmation, singing, good dates, cuddling a companion animal, dressing up, sex, parties, sex parties, properly emotionally moving art, rollercoasters, performing or being performed to, sports (apparently??), reuniting, moving bodies enthusiastically, having a big win, holding eachother, lying on the floor and staring at the sky.

All I can say is anxiously-inclined people can struggle to access the high-highs of jubilation anyway, and the pandemic has... well it's gone and fucked it a bit hasn't it. Idk, maybe this was a rambling way to say I had a very nice time dancing with queers and I'd like to do it again, along with some of the above (if being around people doesn't freak me out too much). What would do it for you?

Sky Report 🐕
She kept me company (and got very comfy) while I was laid up in bed.
We've started taking her down to the allotment now: with the days getting longer and nicer, I didn't want her missing out while we started spending more time there. She's always gone bananas on short visits before (strong prey drive + many cats around), but the resident cats quickly learnt to stay away while she's around and she chilled out. I think she realised it's our space. I love getting to see previews of what she's like in summer mode and spending more time outside.



Little things I've enjoyed
- M&S vegan "fish"cakes
- The aquarium at the World Museum in Liverpool
- making wild garlic pesto (thanks Ingrid for the wg), from this recipe - I double the cashews & nutritional yeast, and added a bit of lemon juice.
- Books: The Truth About Animals by Lucy Cooke, Like A Charm by Elle McNicoll (neurodivergent witches in Edinburgh!), The Book of Non-Binary Joy Ben Pechey (out in May), Make Your Art No Matter What by Beth Pickens, If You Still Recognise Me by Cynthia So (out in June), Gay Bar: Why We Went Out by Jeremy Atherton Lin.

- On another reading-note: I've read 32 books so far this year! My ambitious goal for 2022 was 24, but something just clicked for me lately. For most of the last decade (at least) I'd finish a book every few months, so this is huge for me. Welcome back, my attention span.

-Film: Breaking News in Yuba County, Where’d You Go Bernadette, Spinster, Won't You Be My Neighbour? Shiva Baby, I've Heard the Mermaid Singing, Shortbus, Limbo, Black Bear, and Born in Flames. 

- other people's front gardens

take care,
Vicky xx

ps. always feel free to reply to these emails for a lil chat 💌
pps. sorry this was a bit of a long one, I cut things out I swear 😖