I Watched “I Saw The TV Glow” And Suffered A Category 5 Mental Breakdown, (And It Was Great): My Thoughts on Race and Gender
I know I’m late to the party on this. I am chronically late to many trends, social phenomena and hype relating to all things pop culture. But this time, it’s not my fault, I swear!
For anyone who knows me, I’m an all-around horror fan. That means I listen to horror podcasts, play horror games, read horror novels, and yes, even watch as many horror movies as I can. I watch the trailers, note the day it hits theaters then plan the exact day and time to go watch it. (Usually on a weekday, in the middle of the day–I’m one of those people who like going when no one else will be there.) I’ll message other friends who are also horror fans to get their thoughts on the movie if they managed to see it before me, and try to gauge what I’ll be feeling in the moment when it’s my turn.
I could not do that for “I Saw The TV Glow”, but not for lack of trying. Not a single theater within a 20 mile radius was showing it. I checked damn near religiously because my TikTok FYP was full of people talking about it, documenting their “before” and “after” in a succinct reaction video. The “before” was always bubbly, curious, and excited. The “after” was absolutely demolished.
I could not understand this but I needed to be part of it.
So I waited for it to drop on demand, shelled out 25 bucks on Youtube to “own” it digitally, and sat back for some odd two hours–and came away absolutely devastated. I genuinely sobbed for 20-30 minutes, feeling the need to open up my skin at the back of my neck and pull myself out of my body as if I was encased in some sort of fleshy cocoon. Owen’s screams were so visceral, it bounced around in my head the entire time but nothing was as soul crushing as hearing him apologize over and over again to apathetic strangers.
I don’t think I need to rehash what a tremendous trans allegory the film was. Watching Owen live out his life, repressing himself for some odd 30 plus years was heart wrenching, especially when you realize what he could be–what he really was.
And then I talked about it with some friends–they all happen to be white and trans with various interesting reactions to the film. We all agreed it had evoked strong emotions in us and forced us to take extra time to recover from it (I needed to rewatch a couple of episodes of Rick and Morty to dull the sting).
However, there was one conversation I had that still sticks out to me. It was with my friend, Dana who is a white trans woman. When Dana watched the movie, she saw herself in Maddy, who had “gotten out” (AKA transitioned) before it was too late. And while she did feel how emotionally evocative the movie was, she ultimately viewed it as a cautionary tale of what lifelong repression does to a person. She asked me why I felt so attached to Owen and I admitted that I saw so much of myself in him partially because “he’s Black.”
Here’s the thing: I don’t think Jane Schoenbrun was intentionally trying to add underlying racial commentary to the film. I don’t think I Saw the TV Glow was about race as much as it was about gender. It’s possible casting was done colorblind, or maybe Schoenbrun liked Justice Smith enough to cast him as Owen, and then casted the parents accordingly. I don’t know!
But I do know that the movie would have been different had Owen’s father been Black instead of his mother. I explained to Dana that toxic masculinity tends to compound worse in Black men. It starts young within families that affectionately call young boys “little men”. If they come from religious households, they’re told that they need to be the “man of the house” and the “leader of the family”, granting them more illusion of responsibility than they are ready for (I say illusion because it’s not like they are taught to do the dishes or clean the bathroom).
A huge part of why this is the case can be attributed to white supremacy, in how Black men were called “boys” all through the Civil Rights Era. Regardless, had Owen’s father been Black, I think the generational trauma of racism would have made him double down on raising Owen to be a “man” and in turn, the role of Owen’s father would be played differently.
Now, I am not biracial. I don’t know what it’s like having a white dad. But I do know what it’s like having an overbearing Black mother, who clearly just wants the best for you. In one scene, Owen’s mom says “I just want to make sure you’re on the right path,” a line that struck a chord with me because that is something that my mom would say (and has said on numerous occasions). It’s a line that makes one feel guilty, because it clearly comes from a place of good intentions and from a person who has always been soft and kind to you.
My mother says it within a religious context–she wants to make sure I go to heaven. Isn’t that sweet? But if my admission to heaven is only guaranteed by lifelong repression of who I truly am, then I have to wonder if I’m already in hell. Still, it comes from someone who I know and who believes she truly knows what’s best for me so the guilt is another spadeful of dirt being thrown onto me while I suffocate.
I recognize that it is not a uniquely Black experience to have an overbearing mother. However, like how Black men are bridled with an extra serving of toxic masculinity by way of white supremacy, Black women have their own unique handle on transmisogyny for the same reason. Because often, Black women are not thought of as women.
To elaborate on this point, let me paraphrase an old Black Twitter joke: Yoko Ono once said that “Women are the niggers of the world.” What does that make Black women? Nigger squared?
In order for a Black woman to be seen as a woman, she has an untold number of hurdles to jump over. She must perform femininity proportional to how dark skinned she is, be thin, agreeable, and above all, cis. Black trans women have to do all this and more, threatening what it means to be a woman because they are not born cis. Their existence alienates the cis Black woman, and tells her “you are never inherently a woman”, which is something that has always been denied her by society at large. And feeling this extra denial, the cis Black woman lashes out.
I’m not saying Black people should get a pass to be homophobic and transphobic because “after all, it’s white supremacy’s fault”--I just wonder if Owen’s repression was more due to his desire not to alienate/disappoint his very sweet mother than it was fear of his father.
Generally speaking, I believe it’s much harder to transition from male to female than it is female to male. Again, if we look at how we deal with young children, it is cute when girls are “tomboys” but boys cannot be “sissies.” Girls have a limited access to play with masculinity at a young age while boys are never allowed access to femininity.
Watching the movie, Owen is not a particularly bad kid. He doesn’t party, doesn’t drink or smoke. All he wants is to access his femininity via a TV show that comes on after his strictly enforced bedtime.
Later on, Owen goes, “I know there’s something wrong with me. My parents know it too, even if they don’t say anything.” It’s obvious to him and his loved ones that something is not quite right. And yet, if they don’t talk about it, then it doesn’t exist. It is just another Drain Lord, and they can’t hurt you if you don’t think about it.
I think about Owen’s race a lot while watching I Saw the TV Glow. I think about how if it’s incredibly difficult to be a trans woman, it must be that much harder to be a Black trans woman. And maybe Schoenbrun did not intend this at all, but it’s what hit me the hardest–to be a Black person in a white suburban town is already suffocating. If I think too hard about what it must be like as a trans Black woman in a white suburban town, I will break down sobbing again.
Here’s an added take-away: After I watched it a second time, I did the math. By the end of the film, Owen is about 42 years old and it’s the year 2030. If in 6 years, it’s STILL that difficult to transition at a later age due to social barriers, then I’m sorry but we gotta start rioting.