Of fragile mind
and ear, apparently
Summer is out and my ADHD brain is struggling to make sense of the shift in schedule. More kids are home and are coming into my office and sitting in my reading chair. They sit there quietly and, well, read, but for whatever reason, it puts me on high-alert. I don't work as well when there is an offspring reading behind me. I don't know why.
I don't want to close the door and hang a 'do not disturb, fragile neurodivergent brain at work' because I like that I am accessible and available and in theory, like that they can come in and keep me company. I do not want to be (more of) a hermited weirdo they must tiptoe around and feel frightened of.
And yet!
I put my noise cancelling earbuds in OR put my noise cancelling headphones on (neither of which I am happy with, I will pontificate on this below) and that seems to help, but then I am constantly saying, "What? I can't hear you" over my shoulder when all they are doing is laughing at a funny passage. The noise-cancellation does not seem to completely assuage the feeling that I am being both watched and intruded upon.
It feels a little like that transformation that happens (as it did with me anyway) after you have birthed your very own loin fruit. I went from being the most solid of sleepers to someone who woke up if a child sighed in their sleep. And let's not forget the utter horror story effect of a toddler creeping in to stand beside your bed and merely watch you. I would jolt awake without a single sound, just their eyes glowing in the blue glare of the digital clock.
Something happens, I think, when we grow an entire human being in our bodies. I mean, duh, lots of things happen when this occurs. See also: why I can no longer jump on a trampoline without an adult diaper on. But this is different than a compromised pelvic floor constitution, this is clearly some kind of primal survival-of-the-species situation. When the spawn of my loins are near, my body immediately diverts significant resources to whether or not they might need me and then remains on high alert until they are out of sight again.
This is ridiculous as they are all adult sized human beings who can wipe their own bottoms. And yet, here we are. A giant, man-sized child causally flipping through Tolstoy's War & Peace behind me and my monkey brain is like, "Attention! Attention! Small person near! They might run into traffic or ride in a car without being properly secured into their rear-facing Britax car seat! ATTENTION!"
I don't ever want to say this out loud, though, because I do genuinely like it when they're around. They're very cool, much cooler than I ever was or ever hope to be, and are very supportive of whatever I'm working on and eager to help me concentrate. It would be a travesty if they all started treating my office like a cordoned-off crime scene. So I will just have to figure it out, is what I'm saying.
Now, onto noise-cancelling accoutrements for one's head.
You can barely see them because I am badly in need of a haircut, but I am wearing ear-pinching monstrosities built for someone with Barbie-sized ears.
I own this pair of noise cancelling (Aff link) over-the-ear headphones. A no-name brand from Amazon. I have used them for four years now and they are misery. I have big ears and after a few hours, can no longer handle the way they force my ears to fold into the too-small ear-hole space.
Someone said I should try professional studio headphones as they have much wider circle-spaces for one's ears, so I ordered these (Aff link, they're called "AKG Pro Audio K702 Over-Ear, Open-Back, Flat-Wire, Reference Studio Headphones, Black" if you would like to google instead of click, you stingy little monster. Just kidding, I get it. Sometimes I too am annoyed by affiliate links and stubbornly find ways to get around them.
The studio headphones felt dreamy on. My Dumbo ears had so much room to flap around without getting pinched, however, they were not plug and play. I had to order a variety of terrifying coaxial amp thingies (Aff link) to get them to work with my iMac and I was wildly unsuccessful. Everything had to be returned.
My children suggested I try on their gaming headsets (Aff link) and to my delight, they were much more comfortable. But alas, I again struggled to get them to play nice with my snobby Apple set-up. Because I use two monitors, and because of how everything is situated, a wired solution just won't work. The gaming headsets had wires that criss-crossed my keyboard and got in the way, and even then, didn't like connecting to my computer.
I decided to try Amazon's Echo Buds the last time they went on sale (I think Black Friday or something?). And while they solved the ear pain problem and do a decent job at noise cancellation, they will not stay in my ears. I am constantly reaching up to adjust them (and yes, I have tried every assortment of the included ear snug things). Adjusting them often accidentally turns them off or activates the 'pass-through' feature which allows the highly distracting noise of the gentle page turning behind me to reach my ear drums.
I have tried a few other non-noteworthy wireless earbuds, some with the wire that goes around your neck, some with the over the ear holder-oner thing, and all have managed to disappoint in one way or another.
As a person who has been endowed with extra-large ear cups, I am highly annoyed that NO headphone listing (not even the fancy, expensive Bose brands) give the measurement of the ear hole. Googling "best noise canceling headphones" is an endless swim through a mire of affiliate sites (haha, yes, I see the irony) that only exist to make a buck rather than to actually help the obvious minority stuck at their desks massaging sore cartilage.
This problem was endlessly amusing for Eric as he had the cutest little potato-chip ears you ever did see. I don't know why they reminded me of potato chips. They way they curled ever so slightly against his head? The way they were stiff and couldn't fold in half? The way his earlobe connected directly to his head rather than forming the large flap thing I have? That man could buy off the shelf anything: headphones, earmuffs, hats and never once did his ears complain or get in the way.
For now, I switch between the Amazon Echo Buds and the painful over-the-ear too-small headphones. If you have any suggestions for me (short of having an earlobe-ectomy, which I have considered, actually), do hit reply and let me know.