Bipolar Disorder and Identity
From 2021
With bipolar disorder, it can be very hard not to constantly question your identity, to question everything you know about yourself.
For me, it’s not the depressive episodes so much as the mania that is the problem.
When I’m depressed, I just want to sleep and cry a lot and I think everyone hates me and a part of me wishes I didn’t exist. But I know none of that really says anything about my identity. I know when the depression is gone I won’t be like this.
When I’m manic, I often become more productive. I become more driven to plan my life out, even if that means planning events years into the future that I have little control over at this point in time. I come up with more jokes and wonder if this means mania makes me funnier. I’m more talkative, more outgoing. I feel more creative and start a million new projects, like trying to write a bunch of books or songs.
And this leads me to wonder: can I claim any of the good in me during manic episodes as my own? Or are these parts of me artificial, simply a product of my altered state of mind?
I take Tegretol now. It keeps away the depression and manic episodes far better than any other medication I’ve been on. But I am constantly on edge waiting for them to return. I am always questioning myself.
Am I more driven because I’m manic? Am I cracking jokes more because I’m manic? Am I feeling more outgoing and confident because I’m manic? Am I writing more because I’m manic?
If I’m not manic yet, does this mean I will be soon?
It’s exhausting.
Other than these examples, most of my issues with bipolar disorder and my identity are internal. I stay the same person to everyone else in my life.
One thing that never changes is my values. I always value social justice. I value learning and creative expression. I value the people close to me, I value friendship and family. The fact that whether I’m stable, manic, or depressed, my values remain consistent is something I hold onto, something that gives me hope when this rollercoaster of emotional states I’ve been on makes me feel hopeless.
You might be wondering: is there ever a way to tell if you’re manic? Here are some signs I look out for, personally:
I start sleeping much less. As in, I have been up until 5am when manic. Some nights I do not get any sleep when manic.
My mind is racing very very fast, my perception of time is off.
I am more restless. I have an impulse to do things. To create, to talk, to run around, to...clean?
I become more impulsive, but never by much. My anxiety has always made me more on the cautious side, with the exception of more "rebellious" and "adventurous" phases in my teens and early 20’s.
If these symptoms are severe, excessive, last more than a few days, and are negatively impacting me, then I will contact my psychiatrist and we will decide if I need a medication adjustment. Otherwise, I consider it some mild mania that slipped through the cracks.
I no longer stress myself out trying to separate the positive things about myself from my mental illness. Whether I’m manic, depressed, or stable, all of my experiences, traits, behaviors, and thoughts are still mine. There isn’t any point in separating me from my mental illness when we share the same brain. I have to make peace with that.