4/20/20 - Sheltering from the Pandemic
I have been “sheltering” from the pandemic for one month and one week today.
And last night I realized that my 2020 feels as if it was only about a month long, even though we’re halfway through April.
In January, I came down with some sort of virus that lasted about three weeks. I had a very bad cough, fever, aches, sore throat. All things that if I told them to people now, they would tell me it sounds like COVID-19. But this was in January, when China was the only place the virus was known to be at the time. There was not a known case in the US until the very end of that month, around the time my symptoms disappeared.
I actually did almost go see a doctor about these symptoms. I remember calling the nurse when I started having trouble breathing. This was around the time I found out about COVID-19. I had heard a little about it on the news, before it was one of the only things reported on, but I didn’t really know what the symptoms were. When I saw that I had pretty much every symptom, including breathing difficulties, I called the nurse. When I told her that I had recently come in contact with someone who had been traveling, she said my concerns were justified and that I should be seen. I actually felt better the next day, or better enough that I thought I didn’t need to go, so I cancelled the appointment. Because covid-19 testing was hardly a thing back then, and still isn’t great now, it’s unlikely that I would have found out definitively whether I had it or not.
But here is what I do know, regardless of what I had: I had never felt so sick in my life.
And I have been sick a lot. So it was really, really bad.
I started to feel depressed. I often felt like I was dying even though it felt somewhat illogical to feel that way. I felt so helpless, being reminded of how vulnerable and weak the human body really is. I slept as much as I could because being awake felt unbearable. I missed my friends, I missed leaving the house.
Miraculously, I felt better in February. I did all of the things I missed. I went to karaoke nights with friends, to concerts, took trips to other towns. I celebrated my birthday for the first time in years. I went on walks whenever I got the chance. I went to physical therapy again, something I need for my knees.
And then?
The pandemic got worse. This did not surprise me. It surprised me more that people didn’t think it would. I rolled my eyes when people said it was just the flu and that we shouldn’t worry. I never believed that. I don’t really blame people if they believed it for the first few weeks. I blame them if they still believe it now.
But even though I knew it would get worse, I didn’t really anticipate that I’d spend most of the first quarter of this year either sick or inside my house to avoid getting coronavirus. And nobody can say how much longer this will last. I miss the things I was enjoying in February. But there are things much more important than concerts or karaoke nights or being able to go on walks whenever you want without wearing masks. I miss not worrying every night that someone I care about could end up getting this virus. I miss my relationship with my body before getting so sick in January made it feel even more vulnerable than it ever did, and I say this as someone who was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at age 11, someone who is used to feeling like my body is vulnerable. I miss not feeling like my OCD and health anxiety are being tested 24/7 as my brain figures out how to navigate living through a pandemic with hangups and chemical imbalances. I miss not hearing about it on the news 24/7, I miss not memorizing the number of cases in my town or state or country, I miss not watching the death toll rise. I miss being able to go to my local hospital to get the care I need: physical therapy, routine tests — all things I need to manage the chronic health conditions I live with. I miss the days before all of the days felt like they were blurring into one.
I miss my friends.
I worry about everyone I know.
To anyone reading this: I hope you’re okay.
We will get through this but please, please stay inside unless you absolutely need to leave your house.
We owe it to everyone, but especially to any healthcare workers and essential workers we come in contact with to not get them sick.
Take care of yourselves.