Sleep Here Good, Thankszzzzzz
pass the pillow & blankie
Dear Dames Nation,
It’s Friday! We did it again! WHEW.
A little nap right exactly here would be so refreshing
Your Dames are tapped out, and that’s the long & short of it. So we’re re-running a classic from the archives of Ask Two Bossy Dames that feels particularly apt to share on the date that Fiona THEE Apple has bestowed upon the land her latest opus, Fetch The Bolt Cutters.
Fiona has always been exactly who she is, and it’s such a giddy pleasure to hear her make music that excavates and grapples with so much feminine baggage. Furiously, noisily, joyously, complexly. Just look at her go! This is the album for our times. (Vulture has some great coverage, including a glowing review, the artist’s reflections on the stories behind the songs, and a long, wide-ranging conversation about all the stuff that matters to her right now.)
We wish you restful, fun weekends. We’re waving to you from our respective socially distanced homes; hope you can feel the friendliness & care across the miles.
Dear Dames,
You two seem like effortlessly effervescent fonts of authenticity. But I bet you too have good days and bad.
Something I am currently struggling with is finding a balance between being authentic (without being rude and selfish) and meeting expectations (without being a drama queen martyr). I feel like I ping pong between these extremes, which leaves myself and others feeling dissatisfied. Any advice on how to balance things out at bit? Thanks.
Oh boy, honey. Do your Dames ever get where you’re coming from on this problem. As much as we would like to pretend, a la Beyoncé, that we woke up like this, our flawlessly authentic effervescence is definitely a constructed reality, one that we work hard to maintain every day. But, also a la Beyoncé, the mere fact that our identity is consciously constructed does not mean that it’s false-- just like models know the angles from which their faces photograph best, your Dames know how to set our best qualities off to great effect, angling ourselves out to the world so that they shine clear, bright, and true. Crucially, though, accomplishing the magic trick of accentuating the positive does not mean eliminating the negative. It means making peace with the negative, accepting it, loving it as part of your whole self. You can’t know your good angles without accepting your bad.
It seems, right now, that you’re caught in the dilemma of MODERN WOMANHOOD: You can meet others’ expectations (periodically collapsing into resentment, because others’ expectations for women aren’t always realistic) or you can be your authentic self, and risk being labelled “rude or selfish”-- because a “real” woman would just be effortlessly perfect, so how dare you say no. The secret to escaping this dilemma is to accept that saying “no,” in and of itself, is never rude. As much as the world has taught women our natural job is to be the universal helpmeet, we are, in fact, sovereign beings, with our own distinct wants and needs. “No” is a complete sentence, and it’s always an acceptable one to say.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but knowing you always have the right to say no makes it easier to say yes, and really mean it. People’s needs aren’t usually calculated according to your resources. Someone needs a ride when they need a ride! They can’t know that your car is in the shop when they ask. So their half of the bargain of asking is that they have to know it’s a real question, they have to be able to accept your no graciously, if it’s what comes. But your half of the bargain, just as important but much less understood, is to make sure your yes is honest. Come to know your emotional machinery as well as you know that of your car’s and come to accept its limitations as just as concrete. You wouldn’t try to drive someone home when your car’s out of gas, and you can’t shore up someone else’s well-being when you’re drowning.
Women aren’t encouraged to think of themselves this way -- concretely limited, yet still deserving. We aren’t allowed to just feel good or worthy on our own -- we’re only supposed to see our goodness and worth reflected back to us in the eyes of those we help. So when someone comes to you with a need, it’s so hard to admit you can’t meet it, and so scary. If you don’t get their gratitude, how do you get that minute of feeling good? If they fail on their half of the bargain, and can’t meet your “no” with good grace, how do you reject their label of “selfish” or “rude”? How do you let yourself off the hook when someone says your authentic self isn’t enough?
This is how: by reminding yourself that your good will is not an infinitely renewable resource. That you’re the only one who knows how much you have at a given moment, and how much a given task will cost you. And that anyone who’s worthy of receiving kindness from you would only ever want kindness that’s sustainable. They don’t want you to grind up bits of yourself, they don’t want you to use yourself up til there’s nothing left. So, they’re trusting you to be generous the best way you can, and they’re trusting you to know your limits.
Know them, respect them, own them. Usually a limit in one place corresponds to a surfeit in another; Dame M. is a monster who’s incapable of arriving anywhere on time, for example. But it also means that she’s really effortlessly generous about other people’s lateness and any other kind of Social Clerical Error. You will never cancel a plan with someone more painlessly than the plan you cancel with her. Odds are, you’re built the same way, too. You have a valley of shame here, but a mountain of strength next door, one that you’ve developed to help shelter the people who count on you from the ways you’re not perfect. Accept the whole landscape, not one part of it needs to be excised. But if you’re honest about it, you can help guide the people who matter through the best path. That’s what being a good adult means: forget perfect. We’re all swamps here. Just remember the path around the sinkholes, put up proper signage, and you’re in the clear. Anyone who says otherwise can go hang.
With time & practice, you’ll be this effortless & unapologetic.
Two Bossy Dames is brought to you by:
Dame Sophie’s mood-enhancer of the moment, kindly furnished by the Pointer Sisters!
The underappreciated photography genre depicting pets working very hard on their assignments!
The Earth healing in a distinctly 80s aesthetic!
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