Last week I had the most absurd, terrifying thought: what if I simply… stopped writing.

I don’t think I’ve ever thought about quitting before. I’ve taken breaks—I’ve taken plenty of breaks, particularly right after leaving school, and when I had small children. But this was the first time when my brain used the word “stop” instead of “pause” and it… gave me something to think about.

I spent some time talking it over with writing friends, and it did get reframed into a break. But we also pointed out that if I’m thinking like that, I probably really need a true break.

Hitting my head against a brick wall hasn’t been working. I’ve been resisting every single step forward for new words, either because I don’t like how they feel/taste or because I don’t feel like those are the words I should be writing.

So what I need to do is let go of all the responsibilities. Finish what’s due right now (that would be getting ITS into print), then pretend it doesn’t matter that the next PHU and 7Lakes books are both overdue.

Just. Let them go. They’ll be there when my cup is full and I am ready to return to them.

When I believe in myself again, and have found the joy in writing that I know still exists.

The question is, what will I do while on this break? Knit, of course. Taekwondo, obviously. Write? Uhhhhh… probably?

Last year’s break for May Trope Mayhem was very rejuvenating. I had a blast. I wrote words I enjoyed. It felt good. I could happily do that again.

Maybe I’ll pick some topics to roll around in and play with that have nothing to do with publication, even if they are original. Just things I can toy with, for fun.

Write for myself, instead of for consumption. Yes, I will inevitably share it; I fail at keeping things to myself. But if I’m not thinking about how it looks to others, I can enjoy the writing of it.

I want to play with words, not angst over them. I was never that kind of writer, and lately my brain keeps trying to turn me into it, and… I think that’s where I’m failing. I worry too much about what I’m doing, and don’t actually do it.

Kind of a problem, huh?

Anyway, maybe this’ll be the time to get a few new fics out—I’d love to discover a new fandom, but as much as there are things I’ve adored in books and TV/movies, nothing’s made me want to write for them recently.

It should definitely be a good time to finish the tank top I’m knitting, and socks, and get another cardigan going for the fall. I like doing things with my hands!

I could even try playing with photography and art again, for something completely different. As long as I remember it’s okay to suck. I always forget that when I’m drawing—all I see is the “ugh this is awful” and not what I’m learning by making mistakes.

Oh, and one thing I do plan on doing this summer—getting out more with my husband. I got an electric trike (so excited to have a bike that doesn’t involve me needing to balance) and I can’t wait to get out and ride with him. I can now keep up and go up hills with pedal assist, woohoo!

I want to relax, and enjoy life. Breathe. And as mentioned above, refill my cup. I have been so, so out of energy; I need it back.

Things I’ve been working on…

Thank you to everyone who supported the Kickstarter for Into the Split! The book is almost ready to go to print, and I’m working on the stretch goal sticker sheet. I can’t wait to be able to do fulfillment for this. I really hope everyone enjoys reading (or rereading if you read the serial!) the trilogy.

At the risk of sounding like old-school fic writers—if you enjoy it, like and review! Word of mouth is the way other readers will find my work.

Where I’ll be…

I’ve half submitted my panel selections for Balticon (as in, I prioritized them, but need to go through the list one more time, then add in some explanations of why I love specific panels). I can’t wait to see folks down in Baltimore on Memorial Day Weekend!

I’m still undecided on Readercon, since I am attending that one as a reader/fan, not as a professional on panels. I need to make that decision soon.

Kevin and I will be returning to Philcon this year! We are going as fans, of course, and excited to be going back to an old favorite convention. I’ve also applied to be on programming and am hopeful for that. So fingers crossed, I can see folks in Philly in November.

We are also buying our memberships to go to the Montreal worldcon next summer, which is exciting. I don’t know if I’ll be on programming, but I love Montreal, and I love worldcon, so that makes a great mix. :D

In conclusion…

As the fulfillment process for ITS wraps up, my brain should slowly return to me. Of course, it’s spring, and getting into house fixing and camp season, and there are a thousand (okay, maybe only a hundred) things going on, but still… I am hoping to be alive on social media, and writing blogs, and talking about anime and knitting and books I’m reading and generally being… human again.

What a concept, huh?

Find me on social media if you want to chit-chat or just hear me natter on about life, writing, and fandom. I’m tryslora everywhere!