I remembered again today about how I have free will so I’m putting together a team… wait scratch that that makes it sound like I’m doing an Oceans 11 thing I’m not doing that. I’m doing a Halloween Horror Nights Miss Congeniality thing, by which I mean I’m ranking the creepies and crawlies I read about this year but in a way that makes you imagine them all on a stage wearing a sash.

I hope that’s clear now.

Wife Ghost Chorus from Sour Cherry

These guys are getting a low placement in this year’s pageant because, even though I get these empty-eyed echoes of ruined women drifting around behind the narrator are mostly metaphorical, they still came off a bit waifish for my tastes. Would it kill them to show some initiative? I mean, have some backbone, cautionary waif ghosts!

Carmilla from Hungerstone

At the end of the day, she is changing women’s lives. And yeah, she’s doing that by making them worse. So???????

Girlboss Parasite from Blood On Her Tongue

Look, at the end of the day, this beautiful queen is going to do what it takes to survive. And sure, maybe this “queen” is more of a “bug” and what it takes to survive includes illegally squatting in a bog body for a few centuries and then trying to eat someone’s sister. She’s still walking away (using the legs of her host body, obviously) with bronze this year!

The Self-Esteem Ghost from Haunt Sweet Home

Haunt Sweet Home was a cute little book about a directionless twenty-something working as a production assistant on an HGTV-style show centered around haunted houses. The show’s a phony (her job is mostly hiding in corners and making scary noises off-camera) but the ghost they churn up is very real, and primarily concerned with making sure the protagonist lives her life to the fullest! Self-Esteem Ghost has placed second in this year’s pageant.

Bob, the Blob from Blob: A Love Story

Bob the Blob from Blob: A Love Story is a precious angel who overcomes so much adversity for someone who doesn’t seem to possess a central nervous system, from being stored in a bucket and taken care of by someone you wouldn’t trust with a goldfish to slowly morphing into a full human man. For his contributions he has been crowned this year’s Miss Congeniality. Congrats Bob!