story, edits, how am i, what helps
Hello friends.
It’s currently near-whiteout snowing outside. I remember winters like these; I loved them as a child. They are more complicated as an adult (what isn’t) but I am trying to savor a real proper winter while we have it. I’m also glad that my native seeds have a chance to properly stratify outside, and maybe the prolonged cold will help reduce some of the invasive invertebrate species (and tick population).
Here’s a winter song: “Snow Song”
In this email:
- new story release
- editing updates
- how are you doing, toby
- what helps?
Publications
“The Tailor and the Boatman” is out in The Orange & Bee. It’s a sweet very short gay folktale with mending in it. And people are leaving nice comments??
ICYMI last month, “Set Alight” came out, weird little sci-fi story with a bone clay spaceship and strange bodies, in Kaleidotrope.
Queer crip round robin Infinite Branches is slowly ramping up to start, hopefully we’ll have our list of poets public soon!
Editing Updates
Deep into the editing process for A Singular They and making pretty good headway, in between bouts of “oh no why would anyone watch me for an hour”. All the rough cuts and clip sorting is done; I’m on a refinement & audio pass. So many lovely shots. Nothing to show you yet but hang in there.
Also I’m amused to find that my editing strategies - and foibles - are the same in video and writing. I don’t think I’ve ever done the two concurrently before, but I’ve been writing more again and also thinking harder about process with the help of my online writing group. And, ha, I have the same problems in both, particularly a tendency to get fixated on shot-to-shot flow (or paragraph-to-paragraph in text) even though I know I’ve seen/read plenty of works with jumpier cuts I have enjoyed. In this editing pass as I do audio/video sync and make more artistic choices I’m trying to be smoother or choppier on purpose for the mood, instead of obsessively chasing frame-perfect flow every time. My brain gets pretty melty after a few hours.
How Are You Doing, Toby
What with, you know, the fascism.
I'm... not as much of a disaster as I might have expected. This feels strange.
Am I good? Are things peachy? Ahahahah no. Absolutely not.
Am I spiralling into fatalism? Am I shocked? Am I dissociating fully away from engagement? Also no.
My therapist tells me this is a combination of lived experience, practice, and intentional choices about how I engage, with what, and why; and I know that it’s in part things are going about how I expected, so I am upset but not particularly confused or surprised. But it still kinda feels like I'm doing something wrong. Like somehow being clearheaded means I'm not taking things seriously, which is not even logical, c'mon, brain.
Sometimes I get bursts of big feelings at seemingly random times; little things set off anger, grief, overwhelmedness, disproportionate to the source. I had a big cry this morning for no particular reason; a song was good. I'm also still busy being mad and sad about how messed up things already were; I have been trying to find a new dentist for years, the pandemic is ongoing, cost of living is absurd, Meta have been evil for years even if they've just started making it de jure policy instead of de facto. I'm still lonely. Sometimes I wake up an hour early and get up raring to go, lock into hyperfocus, work all day. Other times I am depressed enough that it takes hours to achieve escape velocity from my bed. I want to make art more than ever. I'm being deliberate in what I make. I am making mostly careful, reasonable contingency plans, not the go-bag variety at this time, but I do also have an urgent-feeling desire to finish old projects. Just in case.
That's where I'm at.
What Helps?
So, if I'm not a completely dysfunctional mess at the moment, maybe there's something of my experience I can share to help. I don't know if it's what you need. There are folks who get this newsletter who are far more experienced activists than me, complete with their own robust coping and organizing skills; others for whom this administration is their first or second real wakeup call ever who I know are floundering; plenty in between, and others I don't know at all. I've gone back and forth writing this section from thinking it's important, or woefully inadequate, or presumptive. For now it is what it is. Maybe too simple, maybe too much, maybe just right. Take what you need. Leave the rest.
(Bolded some bits as touchstones! Read just those, if you want.)
You do not need to do everything. Not everyone can or should do every part of resistance at all times. Resistance is an ecosystem. Where is your niche? For some people it's yelling, and some it's information-sharing, and some it's being a body in the way, but there's also culture and healing and feeding and morale-supporting and logistics and so many other things. You have something you can bring to the table already.
Part of why I'm not (constantly) spiralling right now is that I took stock after the election of what I could do, what I'm good at, what's meaningful to me and useful to others, and realized... it's pretty much what I already do, and skills I’ve been working to grow already. At the heart of it is paying attention, to see people, and let them know that they are seen; they are part of what it is to be a person, together. (It is harder to be horrible to someone if you see them as a real person, like you; it is easier to keep going if you know someone sees you.) That also means being seen and making ways for people to see me (and others) as real and here.
Sometimes that's art/writing/performing/teaching and sometimes it's just talking to people. I am not the person to tell you "it's all going to be fine," because I won't lie to you and I do not think things will be fine anytime soon, but I will tell you that what you're experiencing is real and valid and you're still here. I will teach about consent and respect for each others' bodies and the people that live in them. I will do my best to make art that shows what it is to be me, or to be seen, or to care. I will ask my friends how they are doing and mean it. I am trying to make this a guiding principle of how I orient myself to society and resistance. I don't get it right all the time, but that's why it's called practice.
(This doesn't mean I'm not going to also engage in other more conventionally-visible forms of resistance! I will and I am, but it has to make sense for my abilities, capacity, boundaries, values.)
Speaking of strategy, be strategic: yes be informed, but for goodness' sake don't put your face in the information firehose and consider that the best or only way to meet that obligation.
The mainstream media mostly operates on a "what will keep your eyes on this as long as possible" model, and social media algorithms feed on shock, scandal, outrage, and argument. Neither of these approaches are good for your actual, functional informed-ness, or your mental health and continued ability to engage meaningfully. Be active in finding information and deliberate in your choice of sources, and set healthy boundaries around them.
Find sources relevant to your niche in the resistance, your identities/personally important issues, and issues that are life-or-death for others. There are people whose whole job it is to sift through the information deluge and do something with it - sometimes they're even journalists, but oftentimes they're scientists (epidemiologists! ecologists!), legal advocates, mutual aid organizers, and other related professionals. Let them. Let them do their job, both in handling the information flood, and, when appropriate, organizing a response. There are, for example, legal advocacy organizations whose whole job it is to fight the federal government when they do illegal bigotry. Let them do their job right now. Let other people who have been preparing for this do their jobs, and show up to support them in the ways they need and ask for. This does not mean abdicate your involvement; rather, find your trustworthy leaders, and follow them.
This is also a great learning-and-helping avenue for anxious younger kids (and maybe older ones or adults for that matter). What are you/they scared about? Find someone who is already doing something about it. There is definitely someone, even multiple someones, locally and farther afield, because this is not a fully new situation we're in. Learn about how that person does the work they do, big or small. Then send them a card or note or video recording or whatever is appropriate, sending your encouragement and thanks for taking leadership. Kiddo will learn that there are experienced people in this already, which is reassuring; they'll learn how that person's kind of resistance works (lawyer? baker? artist? action organizer?), which offers up more models for them to consider for involvement as they age; and they will have done something concrete to help - because morale boosting matters a lot! And I don't think there's an organizer out there who wouldn't be heartened by a message from a kid saying "thank you for helping, it matters to me." (Taking a concrete action, and writing down a positive feeling about it, are also just good ways in general to combat anxiety spirals.)
And, something that helps me stay steady, at least after a fashion: none of this is new.
On the surface this is not entirely comforting: things have been bad a long time??? the bad is even bigger, surely that is worse????
But: we've been here before and strategies exist to continue. Everything that is happening now builds on what has come before; so does resisting it. The executive order banning gender-affirming care for trans kids (lifesaving! medicine!) builds on Biden's previous NDAA approval banning it for military families builds on state laws doing the same. ICE raids continue what Biden continued of Trump 1.0's immigration and border cruelty but ICE itself dates back to GW Bush; before it came INS, who interned Japanese Americans and others during WW2; borders themselves gained racialized immigration enforcement in this country in the 1880s. The ultra-rich have bought, seized, and/or corrupted power for millennia. Every issue now escalating can be traced. There's deep roots in all of this.
That means we're in familiar territory; even if you haven’t personally set foot in it before, there’s maps. We don't have to fully reinvent the wheel. The future is uncertain but the situation is known. Doesn’t mean it feels great to be here. That’s fine. It’s ok to feel terrible, or numb, or unsettlingly ordinary. Do what you can, when you can, while having the feelings you have.
If this angle is overwhelming, rather than grounding, start small. Look local, look to your town or beloveds.
Ecosystems are networks. So is resistance. One of the most helpful things to do, I think, is to connect with each other on purpose. Instead of letting socialization happen to you only passively, algorithmically, find your people, and reach out directly.
Especially if you are not (yet) being directly personally impacted by the federal shenanigans going on, reach out to people directly.
Consider what care you can offer to your close people and your wider community. Can you send a family with trans kids their favorite takeout so they have a tasty, easy dinner? Can you help someone pick up an extra fill of meds? Can you send bespoke memes to someone who needs a laugh? Can you listen without trying to make the feelings go away? Can you fact-check and consider your context before sharing scary news? Can you bring covid precautions back into your organizing conversations? These are all kinds of care, and care is how we stay human together.
I love you. Take care.
Toby