I have a window above the sink in my kitchen. And every morning while I'm making coffee, I catch myself staring out of it. I'm not looking at anything in particular; it's usually still too dark to see much. But I get consumed by the stillness of it all. On the colder days, I like watching the smoke from the chimneys of the neighboring houses. It's my proverbial moment of zen if you will.

I have a morning routine that I won't bore you with the details of. But I give myself a good 25 minutes or so checking in on news from overnight and playing a silly iPad game before I clock in to work. It's my favorite time of day; where I'm at my most peaceful and content.

But the first two weeks of 2024 have been pretty stressful, so I've been leaning on those early morning moments quite a bit more. There's still a bit of a hangover from all of the holiday moving and shaking. I'm still trying to get a handle on some financial things. I've been eating mostly garbage and not exercising as much as I'd like, which has brought back some body image issues and general discomfort. And my daughter is having some problems with school, which has taken a considerable amount of time and energy.

I'm also still trying to answer a lot of questions that came from my Autism diagnosis last year. Then there's that What truly makes me happy? or Who makes me happy? philosophical stuff that we all tend to grapple with. I ask a lot of myself. Giving myself grace has been a perpetual work in progress for as long as I can remember.

But there's good news to be taken from all of this it's that I don't feel depressed or nihilistic. I don't think anything I'm doing is futile or useless - I think I just have a better understanding of the process. And I've been quite grateful for that understanding.

Which leads me to this newsletter. I've been trying to figure out better ways to use this platform less as a sounding board for every thought, feeling, or confession I might have; and more as something cohesive or a bit more thematic. That's difficult when your thoughts are rapidly changing or you're constantly forgetting things. But it's not impossible.

I plan to publish every Sunday. It will probably be less of a round-up of what's happened over the past week and more of an update of where I am in the proverbial process. Perhaps where a predominant thought or feeling fits into all of it. I believe I can strike a balance between the contentment or catharsis I get from writing while keeping it accessible - and maybe not as confessional.

It's all subject to change, of course. We're all subject to change. But I'm hopeful that you will stick around and maybe glean something from it. I'll be at the window if you need anything.

m u s i c b r e a k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCP8OIQhwLE

Honestly, I don't know much about Cass McCombs. But this song is really nourishing and comforting. And its got a bit of an Impossible Germany vibe to it.

I stopped in for a little while

And warmed up to the thought

I wandered off a little while

Expecting to be caught

-AG