I've always been the "weird one". I tried fitting in, but I was too weird for both the in-crowd and the out-crowd. And while the world tells you to "embrace your weird", they'd really rather you keep it to yourself.

I was thinking about weirdness the other day and managed to have a full-on conversation in my head about it. I never self-identified as a weirdo. It was conferred on me at some point so I went with the flow. There was never one thing or identity that made me stand out, rather an amalgam of stuff. I had the social awkwardness of a stereotypical nerd, but I didn't have the smarts of one. My knowledge of music is a mile wide and an inch deep.

So checking out and becoming a punk/goth/alterna-kid was more my way of giving up on society rather than finding a (counter)culture that got me. And it worked for a bit. But at some point in my 20s, I kind of gave up.

When I quit drinking in my 30s, I immersed myself in recovery culture because that's what I thought I had to do to stay sober. But the more meetings I went to, the more I wanted to get out of there before they even started.

Subconsciously, I just think that I didn't want my recovery to become my personality. And that's what has prevented me from affiliating with any subculture of society. I really like Star Wars, for example. But god help me if you call me a Star Wars fan.

I'm a Dad. Is that a personality or a vocation? I don't partake in the stereotypical ethos of being a father, other than loving and taking care of my daughter.

Maybe some would say I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. Half of what I read is over my head, but I'll read it nonetheless. I don't necessarily have a photographic memory, but I can scan the New York Times website and recall most of the headlines and subject matter a week later.

Is it stuff like this that makes me weird? Am I even weird? Probably not. I'm more like a combination of self-deprecation, Autism, social anxiety, too much talking, not enough eye contact, and pop culture references that seem to only amuse myself, all stacked on top of each other and wearing a trench coat.

Related: I came across this article in Aeon yesterday titled 'The Magic In the Mundane', which profiles sociologist Erving Goffman's work regarding societal norms. This part felt particularly resonant:

A stigmatised person, Goffman argued, will forever remain a 'resident alien'. Her ostensible inclusion in any community will always be provisional and precarious, and she will live in fear of discomfiting those who deign to include her. Such a person will be expected to extend to her new community an acceptance that they will never quite extend to her in return. She can hope for, at best, a 'phantom acceptance', which in turn allows for a sense of 'phantom normalcy'.

I have my kid with me every-other weekend. And on those weekends, I try and find something to do with her that doesn't involve her phone. But she was sick last weekend, so our options were a bit more limited.

I thought we might try and watch Girls5eva on Netflix. I don't know much about late 90s/early 2000s pop music, so some of the references are lost on me. But the stuff I do get is quite funny. Check it out if you get bored. I just really wish I had the attention span to watch more than one episode a month.

Once upon a time there was a corner store in Kingfield called Marty's Kwik Shop. When I was a kid and had a spare dollar or so, I'd walk there and buy a pop and a candy bar. (the trek was not uphill, both ways) Marty was a jerk and threw rocks at my cousin once. A new owner came in and used to call me "guy". I ended up getting my very first job there: stocking coolers, breaking stuff with a sledgehammer, and going to other convenient stores to see how much they charged for stuff he sold as well.

That's just a long way to say that I passed this alley each time I went to Marty's. I passed it again in 2019 and took this picture.

m u s i c b r e a k

Flamin' Groovies - Don't Put Me On (1978)

I'm only 40-some years late to the Flamin' Groovies bandwagon, but I'm definitely a fan. Just good, solid, not-quite-dirtbag rock or power pop who had their heyday in the 70s. Absolutely under-appreciated and overlooked. And certainly better than Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods.

Take care,

-AG