I have less patience with someone who doesn't wear a watch than with anyone else, for this type is not time-conscious.

-Malcolm X

I am a creature of habit. An organism of routine. A beast of pattern. An entity of custom. I thrive on my schedule and don't adjust to things well when it’s usurped.

But the rest of the world doesn't operate on my schedule. It moves on whether or not I like it. So I'm left bending to the will of my surroundings, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. Of course, that's everyone else, too. But many people tend to be more flexible. (or at least that's how they present)

I think I mentioned in an earlier dispatch about how I don't enjoy the holidays because of this. I'm on everybody else's time and not my own. Well, we're almost into February and it still feels like this. Whatever the disruption is to my routine these days, it feels catastrophic and takes me hours to recover from.

braces self

I buy my coffee at Aldi because it tastes good and it's cheap. And because it's cheap, I'll buy four or five bags at a time. And because I buy so much, I might go there every 4-6 weeks.

Today was going to be one of those trips, so I set out early to get it out of the way. I took a paper grocery bag from home because I'm not fancy enough for tote bags. I pull into the parking lot and am already uncomfortable with the number of cars there. Why aren't these people at church? Nevertheless, it was going to be quick, so I forged on.

I make a beeline to the coffee display and start putting them in my grocery bag, only to have the bag tear at the handle and then rip off the corner. All the while, some coffee packages start falling off the display.

I picked them up and put them back on the shelf. I went to the self-checkout kiosk (I know) to pay. My bag rips again and I scurry out of there - thoroughly defeated.

The entire situation probably lasted five minutes, but it managed to derail the rest of my morning and push my heart rate up quite a bit. I wasn't late for anything or had anywhere to be. I had no plans. But it made me feel that I was working from behind for the day.

I'm pretty fortunate to have a lot of free time outside of work. But I don't do much with that time which, before my Autism diagnosis, would've bothered me. I'm much more okay with doing the bare minimum - or even - nothing at all these days. I don't know if it's because the stakes are much lower for me - a person of privilege. Or if I'm simply lazy. More than likely a combination of both. (note to self: read 'The Right to Be Lazy' again)

But that free time is always disrupted by something like the holidays, where everyone's playing Scheduling Jenga. I don't have much of a schedule to disrupt, so it takes away some of the agency I have when it comes to my daily routine(s).

All of that usually dissipates right after Christmas. But, for some reason, it lingered this year. There were a lot of rides to school for my kid. Doctors appointments. Other tasks at the office on top of my usual workload. It seems extra disrupt-y this year for some reason.

But here we are, already at the end of January. It didn't become the end of January any faster than any other January, but that's how it always feels. I haven't done much at all, and I have even less on my docket. Yet I feel like every errand I've run - anything I've done outside of my apartment - has cumulatively taken up 87% of my time.

And what that does to someone like me is make me want to spend even less time with company because I don't feel sufficiently charged for it.

So I'm trying to strike a balance somewhere. Feel free to reach out with any suggestions.

m u s i c b r e a k

https://youtu.be/UARjviT6UKw?si=0CvTpl9Qg_nX2lpe

The Pozo-Seco Singers - Time (1966)

Besides country musician Don Williams being a member of this group, I don't know much about it. I probably first heard this when Spotify's algorithm first discovered that my musical tastes most align with those of an 83 year old man and shoved it on my "recommended" playlist or something. Anyways, this song reached Number 3 on Billboard's Easy Listening chart in 1966, per Wiki. I've always thought it was a sweet song.

Take Care,

-AG