I was all set to write about this revelation I had the other day regarding love and my pursuit of it. But then I realized that honestly: it's not something that's built to be broadcast to lots of people. It's really something that's communicated better on a personal level.

But I've been thinking a lot about this realization, and it was liberating. It's probably something most people don't even bat an eye about or dwell on. But when you're neurodivergent, you tend to have fixations; or what most people would refer to as "special interests".

For almost all my life, I've been mildly obsessed about what others thought of me - good or bad. I thought what other's felt could be some kind of social performance review. My theory was that I'd take this feedback and make myself more palatable to people. (lol)

But the thing is I never got this feedback. Nor did I solicit it. I genuinely thought that people would offer it up out of goodwill. I begged my parents for positive attention - and sometimes I got it. But most of the feedback I got from them was when I did something wrong. So I looked to others to fill the void, regardless of whether or not they were a willing partner.

But it took a long time for me to realize that most people aren't thinking about you in that sort of detail. And it's kind of a shitty thing to assume that they are, or ask that they suddenly do so. I shouldn't expect that my inadequacies live rent-free in someone else's head...rejection sensitive dysphoria be damned.

The other big part of the revelation was this: I'm not built for everyone. I mean, I already knew that. I feel it each time I deal with the public, or a work colleague. I would just call myself weird and leave it at that. Obviously, it's more nuanced than that. But not everyone has the right to know my nuances.

But as I thought about it, I seem to have a better grasp of the concept. I was able to look at past and present relationships in a different shade. A shade that prioritized my well-being - through my own eyes - and not what others thought was best for me.

Clearly, there's something you like about me if you're reading this. Unless you're one my haters or attempting to blackmail me. (jk) I'm glad you're here. And if you want to tell me why you're here, then great! If not, then great! There's no price for admission.

Shit. I kind of wrote about what I wasn't going to write about.

m u s i c t i m e

The Millennium were considered part of the Sunshine Pop movement of the 1960s, characterized by cheery, inoffensive lyrics and sweet multi-part harmonies.

But The Millennium had a bit of an edge to their saccharine songs. According to Wikipedia, 'It's You' "features lyrics inspired by government censorship and contemporary conspiracy theories." The band itself was only around for a year or two, but their output is quite memorable.

Be good.

-AG