Naming the Worm in My Brain šŖ±š§
My ability to function is largely determined by my mental health, which isnāt at its best.
Content Note: Mental illness
The last four months have not been quiet, though they may seem that way from my online presence. Much like everyone, there are days when the despair is overwhelming enough that getting out of bed is a task. My oxygen compressor churns, my cat settles in for a long nap, and I put aside responsibilities until they feel less daunting. Despite efforts to engage with the news in a healthy way by limiting my intake to certain amounts of time at certain times of the day, itās difficult not to fall down rabbit holes when I scroll. I try to pivot toward books, video games, quality time, anythingāsuccess varies depending on the day.
Unfortunately, my ability to function is largely determined by my mental health, which isnāt at its best.
In a previous missive, I talked about finding a new therapist and seeking treatment for a nebulous Something Wrong in My Brain. Since January, Iāve visited their office once a week for an hour at a time, dividing each session as needed into talk therapy and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). My inclination was correctāit wasnāt just depression, anxiety, and CPTSD ruling my thoughts, impacting my relationships, and making it almost impossible to function. To be clear, I still struggle with those things and I likely always will to some degree.
Iāve also been diagnosed with Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD), something I first encountered in a HuffPost essay penned by Samantha Colicchio in 2023. When my partners and I read that piece two years ago, we all wondered: āDo I [Samantha] have this?ā
The International OCD Foundation defines ROCD as āobsessive-compulsive symptoms that focus on intimate relationships. ā¦ [T]his form of OCD often leads to severe personal and relationship distress, and often impairs functioning in other areas of life, such as work, study, or family functioning.ā Although symptoms most frequently present in and about romantic relationships, ROCD can manifest in all relationships, be they intimate, platonic, or familial.
Thereās relief in knowing that thereās a name for the worm in my brain that repeatedly tries to convince me everyone I love hates me and actively wants to get away from me as quickly as possible, but thereās also an immense amount of pain. Iām more aware than ever of my thoughts, my response to them, and my compulsions, many of which are mental. As my therapist and I work through early treatment and begin to sort out what comes from trauma and what comes from ROCD, I find myself ruminating on things I long thought Iād released, seeking reassurance at an increased frequency, journaling almost constantly.
I bought a small, red, Moleskine notebook specifically for OCD and therapy journaling both as a little treat and as a means of tracing this journey separately from the more mundane daily journaling that ends up in the notes app on my phone or in my planner. Sometimes, my thoughts are very scary. Oftentimes, I cannot stop them even through formerly reliable compulsions. It feels as if my brain has been tipped over and poured out, and Iām both trying to separate the good from the bad while trying to contain the overall spill. Itās a messy process and one that Iām not necessarily enjoyingābut Iām deeply, deeply grateful to have found a therapist I click with whose understanding of my mental illnesses and their various triggers and components is so nuanced.
Despite the mess, I feel safe. Given everythingā¦ Iāll take it.
My contract at The Mary Sue ended in March and Iām sad to say goodbye to a site Iāve loved for over a decade, but grateful I got to contribute so many pieces during my tenure. Here are some final highlights:
āAssassinās Creed Shadowsā showcases the best & worst of Ubisoftās flagship series
āWanderstopā raises the bar for storytelling in cozy games
Kat Dunnās āHungerstoneā is one of the best āCarmillaā adaptations of all time
āThe Gorgeā suffers because itās afraid to embrace its true genre: weird romance
āSpirit Swap: Lofi Beats To Match-3 Toā Has So Many Hot Characters, Help
In February, I joined The Escapist to talk about video games! Here are some highlights:
Why Devcats Games Uses Cat-Themed Game Proceeds for IRL Rescue
How āWanderstopā Devs Ivy Road Create Friction in āa Mundanity Simulatorā
Finally, if you missed my Nonbinarian Tandem Talk with Our Wives Under the Sea and Private Rites author Julia Armfield, you can watch it here.
Quickfire recs, alphabetical by title:
Nice Girls Donāt Win: How I Burned It All Down to Claim My Power by Parvati Shallow (The Dial Press, 7/8/25)
Of Monsters and Mainframes by Barbara Truelove (Bindery Books, 6/3/25)
Polyamorous Advice You Wonāt Get from Your Monogamous Friends by Sam Cat (Page Street Publishing, 4/29/25)
Saving Five by Amanda Nguyen (AUWA, available now)
Sucker Punch by Scaachi Koul (St. Martinās Press, available now)
Witchcraft for Wayward Girls by Grady Hendrix (Berkley, available now)
My dear friend Karina is crowdfunding The Survivor Affirmation Deck, created by a survivor for survivors, and if you have the ability to pledge, you have just two weeks to claim your copy of the deck!
Culture writer and author Clarkisha Kent is suing her negligent landlord after years of housing insecurity. Donate here.
Sara Century has a new zine, My Wild Heart Bleeds With Yours: Writings on Lesbian Vampires, and if you havenāt pre-ordered your copy yet, you absolutely should.
Raquel Willis has joined Yes! Magazine as a columnist and her first piece is, as expected, incredible.
Aftermathās Luke Plunkett explains why the Ghibli AI generator is a particularly nasty brand of garbage.
Alliance Entertainment bought Diamond Comic Distributors at auction. The Beatās Heidi MacDonald breaks down the acquisition and its implications.
Sarah Snook is a phenom and I loved this interview with her by Helen Shaw for The New Yorker.
Libraries are political and librarians are taking things into their own hands by running for office. This excellent piece by Emily Drabinski for Truthout explores why.
For Slate, Chason Gordon reported on the history of one of my all-time fantasies: the book ladder.
Fresh off her Grammy win for Best New Artist, James Factora of them. interviewed Chappell Roan about her Sephora documentary, her love of makeup, and queer community.
EVERGREEN
2025 is a great time to start masking again if youāve stopped, even if you cannot do it everywhere due to restrictions. This guide to COVID mitigation written by a UK-based sex worker for those who cannot mask at work lays out the real risks of infection and how layered mitigation efforts make the biggest difference for you and those around you. Remember: No one is immune from disability!
If you have the means to donate e-SIMs to Gazans and want art from the Cartoonist Cooperative for your support, click here.
Disabled activist and writer Tinu Abayomi-Paul passed away in September and the campaign to support her family in the wake of her passing is sitting at approximately 88% completion. If you have the means, please consider donating.
Jezebelās Susan Rinkunas published a comprehensive guide for where to donate to support abortion access, which includes helping people pay for healthcare and not get arrested for seeking it.
If you want to make zines and donāt know where or how to start, I highly recommend checking out Rosalarianās āHow to Make a Zine, AKA My Zine Manifestoā.
Same, Shrimp.
Publish Her Anthology: Dear Body
My essay āFat Is a Descriptive Wordā is published in Publish Her Anthology: Dear Body! š
Dear Body features work from 30 authors exploring what it means to them to live in their bodies. Publish Her Press is putting 100 percent of the proceeds from anthology sales toward program grants and publishing services for underrepresented women authors.
The Cyclista Zine Collection
My 2019 essay āBecoming a Cyclist As a Fat, Queer Woman Radicalized Meā from Cyclista Zine #1: Our Bikes, Our Spaces is included in The Cyclista Zine Collection! š
The Cyclista Zine Collection anthologizes the first 10 issues of zinester Christina Torresās collaborative zine project, with each issue comprising one chapter of the book.
Thank you for visiting The Verbal Thing Comes and Goes! If you like what you read, please consider sharing and/or leaving a tip! āØ
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