BioWare Got Me Again ⚔️
The original subject line for this newsletter was “Revenge of the Sixth 🌌,” which is what my partner’s father calls their birthday since it’s two days after May the 4th Be With You. Instead of producing a newsletter, I took some time off for their birthday and mine. The following week, I went to the ER with what I thought was a UTI and ended up having emergency spine surgery, which you can read about below. I spent four days at the hospital and 10 days at an inpatient rehabilitation facility, then took some time to readjust to life at home and returned to work on June 3.
Consequently, this newsletter might look a little different from previous installments. There’s just one blog piece and a ton of links, for starters. Three of those links are about Dragon Age, which may or may not be my entire personality until I’ve played through The Veilguard at least thrice. Since the game doesn’t come out until the fall… well, buckle up! I’m on the ride with you and I apologize in advance for being annoying… but also, I finally get to romance Scout Lace Harding after years of wishing I could, and I also get to deal with Solas for his bullshit, and, and, and, and…
Ahem. BioWare gets me every damn time. In preparation for the new game, we’re playing through the first three, which is a replay experience for myself and one of my partners (except for Dragon Age 2, which I haven’t finished on my own) and a brand new play experience for our other partner. She’s in her first run of Origins right now and wants to be queen, so she’s romancing Alistair… who’s also my choice romance from the game. I realized while watching one of their dialogue scenes that he’s incredibly Jamie Fraser (Outlander) coded, and the three of us concluded that every time I’m attracted to a (fictional) man, he’s a version of the same archetype, which is both hilarious and very telling. For now, I can keep my lesbian card. Whew.
Outside of Dragon Age (which has truly reoccupied so much of my brain, it’s a little ridiculous), I’ve been working with my partner’s mom on her small art business, boosting Operation Olive Branch, working my butt off in outpatient PT, writing, reading, spending time with loved ones, and doing my best to do my best.
Turns out that having emergency surgery and dealing with the aftermath (emotional, mental, spiritual, physical) takes a lot out of me. I don’t have much insight to offer today, but there’s a lot on my mind that will likely be released in various forms throughout the summer.
I hope you stick around for the ride.
So, I Had Emergency Spine Surgery
The first time I injured my back, it was my first day back at work after a camping trip with my ex. The urgent care doctor said I’d likely pinched a nerve, prescribed me ibuprofen and rest, and sent me home with a note. The pain came and went for a couple weeks before disappearing and I eventually stopped thinking about it, especially after an MRI ordered by my primary care physician didn’t show anything abnormal.
It didn’t occur to me when I suddenly developed chronic hip pain during a cross-country move a few years later—or when I began using mobility aids in late 2021 due to chronic sciatica—that all of these instances were likely related. And after an epidural in April 2023 gave me my first painless days in years, I thought perhaps it was behind me.
I thought wrong. As my spine doctor warned me last year, the effects of the epidural eventually wore off, though it took longer than they predicted. In late February, the chronic lower back pain and severe hip and leg pain returned, my nerves like the brittle end of a candlewick after the flame was quenched. I called my doctor, asked for another epidural, and set up a physical therapy schedule. This epidural didn’t take, so we set up another.
But a week before the appointment, things took an unexpected turn. I woke into an incontinence episode that felt different from previous ones for three reasons: the strength and speed of the stream made it impossible to stop; my legs felt too weak to kick off my lightweight covers, let alone carry me to the bathroom without having to lean significantly on my cane; and I had a 100.2° fever. Combined, my partners and I chalked these symptoms up to a potential UTI, which I haven’t had since my hysterectomy last year. Rather than hear why I wanted to try to break my fever before hitting the ER, they insisted I go as soon as possible. I didn’t argue, and for that, I’m incredibly grateful.
I’m also incredibly grateful to the ER physician who, in addition to running a litany of tests for potential viruses and bacterial infections in my bladder and blood, also ordered an emergency MRI with contrast based on the then-current treatment plan for my back. He said he wanted to rule out a spinal infection and we thanked him for his due diligence. Too often, I’ve been ushered out the door at other hospitals for not presenting enough symptoms to “truly have something treatable.” Since my fever broke before I was triaged, I feared a similar thing happening this time. Luckily, it didn’t.
As he laid out his plan for my ER visit, the doctor suggested keeping me overnight for pain management and observation, which we agreed to out of an abundance of caution. He told me I’d hear from my spine doctor the next day about my MRI results, which also made sense. But the next morning when I woke to see my spine doctor and her assistant standing at the end of my bed at 7 a.m., I knew things had changed. An early visit from the surgical team never bodes well.
Rather than give me the name of my diagnosis, which I’ll get to in a moment, my surgeon said, “If we don’t operate today, you’ll have permanent damage.” Until this point, she had been determined to keep me out of the OR since I’m so young and back surgeries can sometimes be like opening Pandora’s Box. When you have family members with a history of back problems, which I do, that’s even truer.
With “permanent damage” ringing in my ears, I called my partners and relayed the information, then had my surgeon talk to all three of us with them on speakerphone. They arrived at the hospital a short time later and I went into surgery for a microdiscectomy later that afternoon.
What’s a microdiscectomy?
During a microdiscectomy, the surgeon makes a small incision in the patient’s skin over the spine, then removes part or all of a bulging or herniated disc to relieve pressure on the nerves.
I knew going into surgery that I had a herniated disc and that my latest MRI showed it had gotten significantly larger from an MRI taken in March. My surgeon said this was the only way to correct the problem before my incontinence and/or lower extremity weakness became permanent. She assured me most patients go home the same day and that I likely wouldn’t even need PT to recover. Because I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome and one of my major triggers is pain, we requested that I stay overnight for observation and pain management, but my partners and I expected I’d be discharged the next day.
I was, but my return home was short-lived.
Here’s what you may have missed:
Books I Read (and Loved) in Spring 2024: Seven books I enjoyed in April and May 2024.
NAAFA Social Media Director Tamra Dozier-Garland interviewed me about the Community Voices Blog relaunch and my history with fat liberation!
I interviewed Housemates author Emma Copley Eisenberg for The Nonbinarian Book Bike about themes in the book, whether art can truly save us, and the pervasive anti-fatness in fiction! (Grab your copy of the book for 15% off with code PRIDE24 throughout June at Bookshop.org.)
For the NAAFA Community Voices Blog, I introduced myself and some of the changes readers can expect from our relaunch in July! (If you’re interested in contributing, pitch me via this form.)
For The Mary Sue, I wrote about former lead Dragon Age writer David Gaider’s X thread about pansexual and romanceable companions in The Veilguard and its flaws: Former ‘Dragon Age’ Writer Likens Bi/Pan NPCs to ‘Sex Dolls’ in Wildly Misguided X Thread
Also for The Mary Sue, I wrote about some of the Dragon Age: The Veilguard reveals and did a deep dive into the Dragon Age series with a guide to playing the games in story order
For my debut at Popverse, I wrote about one of my favorite lesbians and cartoonists: Alison Bechdel's influence on comics & pop culture, explained
On audiobook, I’m about halfway through The Stardust Grail by Yumei Kitasei, which is incredible—Kitasei has quickly become one of my favorite sci-fi writers—and then I’m diving into Exhibit by R. O. Kwon.
In physical form, I’m finally reading Ordinary Monsters by J. M. Miro ahead of the September release of its sequel, Bringer of Dust. These books are thick and the writing is great. Creepy, atmospheric, magical, mysterious. I’m excited to read more.
As for ebooks (don't look at me), I just read Pillow Talk by Stephanie Cooke, Mel Valentine Vargas, and Sam Pointon, which was delightful. The focus on queer platonic friendship and confidence-building against the backdrop of a femme-forward, non-sexualized physical competition sport is really well executed!
Emma Copley Eisenberg wrote about anti-fatness in fiction for The New Republic and I think it should be required reading: “The American Novel Has a Major Problem With Fat People”
Rascal News is a bastion in a sea of disappearing tabletop industry news, and Chase Carter’s explanation of how we got here is smart as hell: “Tabletop Journalism Deserves Better Than This, and So Do You”
I love how The Acolyte paints a more complicated portrait of the Jedi, and this piece by Austen Goslin for Polygon does a great job of explaining the increasingly blurry line between good and evil in Star Wars: “The Acolyte gives Jedi a blurry line between Star Wars’ Light and Dark sides”
Butch lesbian and advocate Shaley Howard wrote about developing a mentorlike relationship with a young butch lesbian in a moving essay for Huffpost: “An 8-Year-Old Girl Asked To Meet Me. When We Came Face-To-Face, I Had To Hold Back Tears.”
For Rolling Stone, Andy Greene interviewed two of my all-time favorite contestants from MTV’s The Challenge: ”How Leroy Garrett and ‘Killer’ Kam Williams Became the Ultimate MTV ‘Challenge’ Power Couple”
Exhibit author R. O. Kwon examined her complex relationship with kink for Time in a truly stunning essay: “Why I Kept My Kinks a Secret”
Over at Rascal News, Lin Codega wrote a beautiful essay about the power of collective imagining through games and how we support each other through a revolution: “Playing Games Amidst the Revolution”
I wrote about Sophia Bush coming out as queer for The Mary Sue, and I think you should read her full essay for Glamour Magazine: “I Finally Feel Like I Can Breathe”
What happens to the parents who love their children but regret having them? Author R.O. Kwon dives into the complex topic of parental regret for Time: “The Parents Who Regret Having Children”
Queen of All Queens Jinkx Monsoon has been cast as Audrey in an off-Broadway production of Little Shop of Horrors, continuing her iconic reign as she smashes expectations left and right. This interview with Autostraddle’s Drew Burnett Gregory is a delight: “Jinkx Monsoon Is Filled with Rage — and a Lot of Hope”
FaceTiming with my partners and our cats during my extended hospital stay helped me feel a little less homesick… This screenshot of Jojen (and the top of my partner’s head) still makes me laugh. 💖
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