Hello and welcome to my web log. Today I watched Inconceivable (2017). 

SELECTED TEXT MESSAGES I SENT MY BROTHER TODAY PRESENTED OUT OF ORDER AND WITHOUT CONTEXT: “you making a rabbit look like a pretty pretty lady with a shotgun full of makeup?” “we are all compelled to do terrible things in order to survive lol” “TELL ME ABOUT YOUR YOSEMITE SAM-LIKE ANTICS” “aww hell brother man, thank you, I love you too” “y’all are going to hell”

As you may have noticed, I fell out of the habit of sending these newsletters and I kinda forgot that when it comes to documenting my attempts at watching total schlock, I only know how to write something totally unrelated or become a hater. And while the project of my life has been to strip away from my heart all the signifiers of the hater, I must sometimes begrudgingly rise to the occasion. Especially when I haven't written anything else instead.

Nic Cage is an Ohio wine dad archetype hiding in the background of the film with his mother, Faye Dunaway. This movie is primarily concerned with motherhood but also presupposes that children are a form of property and that a slow-enough kidnapping, stretched out over months or years, could basically constitute adverse possession. The foley work led me to assume that there had been an IATSE strike in 2016 that I had forgotten about. A few years ago I would have worried about what watching this movie would have done to my recommendation algorithms but these days it feels like there’s nothing good left for them to recommend and any aberration that might make me slightly less easy to tailor marketing towards is actually a minor blessing.

Halfway through the movie, I wondered if any of you would ever know or care if I didn’t finish it.

You get the sense that the filmmakers thought that they were being very clever with the title and that there were two meanings they were playing with - being unimaginable and being unable to bear children - but unfortunately for the filmmakers, that’s not what that word means. 

This film, when first announced, was set to star and be produced by Lindsay Lohan who does not appear to have been involved in the final film. Of all the things that were wrongly taken away from Lindsay Lohan, maybe just this one was actually a kindness.