CHECKING IN WITH MYSELF

Things I didn't love five years ago:

• Bruce Willis movies
• Working out
• Coffee
• This year's Woody Allen movie
• The Talking Heads
• Breakfast tacos

Things I loved ten years ago that I now prefer to skip:

• Aerosmith
• Tuning guitars
• Shopping at Target
• The Skulls
• A chimichanga and a chicken-fried steak every week

It's fun to see how we change every decade or so. It's even more fun to write it up in the style of McSweeney's.

THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT SAN FRANCISCO

Everything I should have known before I first visited the city by the bay.

In particular, I wish I'd known to steer clear of the Tenderloin district. The first time I visited the city, I stayed in a hotel on the southern edge of the Tenderloin. Very bad decision. On the first Muni ride, I witnessed either: a potential fisticuffs, an elaborate instance of bus theatre, or two gentlemen loudly and obliquely arranging a sexual encounter for later. I later learned for myself that Google is always wrong about transit times, hobos will yell at you for whatever, and yes those gentlemen are smoking crack. Interesting first visit to San Francisco; some time I'll visit the parts of the city people rave about!

P.S. I want one of these for every city

HOW A FOOTBALL GAME IS TALKED

I'd love to get a few of my friends together, prop up a microphone, put a Cowboys game on, and let everyone in the world listen to the ensuing verbal hijinks. I'd put a small amount of money on the notion that we'd beat a lot of the Fox, CBS, and NFL network broadcast teams in terms of variety and lack of filler content.

That said, there are three broadcast teams I would not put myself up against. Michaels and Colinsworth have become a pretty good team. Colinsworth in particular is way better than when he started on NFL Network. Brooks and Johnston are, in my opinion, the best broadcasting team out there. All insight, no filler. Perfect.

The other team I wouldn't go up against is Buck and Aikman. Reading a behind the scenes of how their broadcasts are put together cleared any doubt in my mind that I could actually pull off an NFL broadcast. These guys study the game, know their stuff, and multitask multiple cues while speaking on national television. In Aikman's case, it sounds like he studies game film just like he did in his playing days.

Broadcasters have a lot of air to fill and don't always say the most amazing things. After reading this, I have a little more sympathy for all the factors that make them sometimes blurt out stupid things. That said, I still have no tolerance for commentators not understanding the actual rules of NFL football.

EPIC PETE TOWNSHEND BURN

"The Who were OK but without me they would have all ended up working in the flower market, or worse - in Led Zeppelin."

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I can't top that. See ya next week!

~akk