Gentle air
The seasonal temperature, humidity and light in Seattle pair perfectly with its shades of greens, blues and whites. After a week in the heat and humidity of the northeast, full of all the summer energy of long island culture with long sandy beaches, plentiful food and talented musicians, it's a cool, refreshing northwestern homecoming. I've taken immediately to the streets on my bicycle, winding through this odd and beautiful place watching drunk on love or good weather, observing the world in a way that feels both incredibly close and far away (there times that riding a bike feels like watching the world from a train window). This bike is brand new - the Surly Disc Trucker - a model I've craved for more than a decade. Jet black, built like a tank, it's made to ride hundreds of miles or to potentially live on as it can traverse continent(s). I've nicknamed him "Sherman" or "Sherm" for short. It's a gift that many of you gave me last year for father's day. I love it.
Miles have added up, and my thoughts with them. I've been quiet the last few months and to a degree I've been drawing inward. So many changes that I'm still trying to get settled with, what they are, where I am, who I am. A second child, this job that feels like a stopgap and necessary, all these things lending to a stress about the future which feels uncertain in different degrees.
I get lost trying to figure it all out at once, racing down different rabbit holes, playing out scenarios and situations in my head. Battling "what if this"s or "what if that"s, trying to plot the perfect number of steps that lead me to the place I want to be. Struggle, more than success, often feels like a natural home for me.
But please do not read this as someone pining for sympathy or mourning my situation. I'm overjoyed with the arrival of my son, I have a beautiful, kind and patient wife, and second son who I adore (and at times also adores me). I just struggle with the responsibility of it all. I think finding a good stable job will go a long way to feeling a bit of relief here.
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Some updates:
It was fun to watch Shelby in her natural element in New York. Simultaneously taking care of a baby, juggling introducing him to her entire hometown, going to weddings and birthday parties, surprising me and Gaël with surf lessons and saying "Yes" to pretty much everything. She painted the schedule for the week with explosives and still created a masterpiece.
Gaël spent most of the long island week trying to sneak off to play video games, but when thwarted spent hours jumping into the pool or trying to dodge waves on the beach. I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride watching him gleefully getting beaten up by wave after wave and popping up so happily. His inner voice continues to grow with him. Feels like the apple fell very close to the tree (see: struggle).
I don't want to jinx this, so let's just acknowledge it gently and from a distance: Tommy has been an easy baby so far. Happy for the most part he just does baby stuff. Goes along with his parents' plan to have a fun outdoor summer as much as possible. He's our plus 1/8th. He's a cuddler, like his mother and I think might be a big part of it.
That's the news, wherever you are I hope you get a chance to be in the mountains, swim in the ocean/rivers/lakes or just walk with nothing demanding your attention but the world around you,
Cowabunga dude,
DJ